I just got home from driving D19 back to school. I feel a mixed bag of emotions.
It's always hard to see the intact families driving their kids back. I feel angry and sad and frustrated and tired. Loading and unloading is a major chore and part of me just wants to send a GIANT F.U. to Smokey for leaving this in my lap.
There's always a bit of a pity party..."How many times have I made this damn trip and he hasn't been to visit ONCE. He goes on vacations, he lives without kids, he doesn't have to worry about how much toilet paper or shampoo D19 has..."
Well, we got to the dorm room and I sent D19 and D11 down to the car to pick up a few odds and ends. I closed the door and just sent a plethora of F.U's into the universe for Smokey to hear. My mom was with me and laughed and seconded the emotion. "I was just feeling the same thing!!!"
If felt good to say out loud... "F.U. Smokey. F.U. Smokey's Ho!!"
Anyway. I needed to get some of that outta my system.
Also, on the drive up, D19-who has been obsessed about where Smokey and MJ went on their "honeymoon vacation" this summer--brought up the possibility that they met the inlaws at a favorite vacation spot where we spent a lot of family time. I guess it was the combination of the resentment, possibility of another hurtful blow of truth, exhaustion and missing D19 that sent me into a spiral. I BD-type feelings in my gut.
We were so busy that I didn't have a chance to really let it all digest until we were on the way home and I tried to just face whatever it was. The nice part was that, by the time we were within 45 minutes of home, I felt like I had my center back and I wasn't obsessing.
It was a combo attack of emotions...
I'm sad about break being over. I had so much fun with both girls together. We laughed and spent lots of time playing and joking and eating and shopping, etc... I'm sad it's over. And, I felt sad that D19 looked so sad and little when I left. She always a rough transition.
I'm sad my H wasn't with us. I'm sad for the family we coulda been driving up together.
I'm tired. I have a lot going on right now and this trip--especially the in-between semesters lugging of stuff--takes a lot outta me. Packing, loading, loading into my mom's car, driving, unloading, unpacking, driving home... It's just a lot and I have a full week ahead of me.
That sums it up.
I'm ok. The day turned out OK. She is back and packed into her cute little dorm room. I'm so proud of her.
My mom is a counselor and recovering alcoholic. She loves to analyze Smokey and, sometimes, I have a hard time with it because I don't want D11, if she is nearby, to hear negative stuff about her dad. The ride home turned out ok though because as we neared home I was saying how I think her dad is still the wonderful guy underneath the unusual behavior. I just think he is not sure where he fits in the world and he doesn't mean to hurt anyone. He's trying to figure out where he fits.
My mom and I had been talking about how his parents are so judgmental and never really loved him without conditions. You're either in or you're out. I was talking about how he seems more comfortable with feeling uncomfortable with people because feeling safe and loved unconditionally just isn't what he experienced as a kid.
Anyway, I was a little worried what D11 would take away from the convo. I thought she was asleep. Not. Little ears.
Then, D11 threw in, "I think dad was afraid to be himself when he was little because he thought Grandma and Grandpa would judge him. I don't think he knows what it's like to feel really loved just because he's him."
From the mouths of babes. :-)
My mom gave me a huge compliment on the way home. We were talking about Smokey and how he has let so many people down. My mom was saying how she still has such a hard time wrapping her head around how he let the girls down. Then, she said, "But, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Isn't that nice? You have fulfilled YOUR obligations to your children and then some. I'm proud of you."
That really felt good. :-)
On the ol' addicted to Smokey front--I guess a part of me was longing a bit for him to "come to his senses" after yesterday's visit...I know. Old Heather. I didn't even realize it until...
I had left my phone, accidentally, at home for the day. When I got back I found myself disappointed not to have a text saying..."I'm so sorry. I've been so stupid. I have this beautiful family and I just threw it away and you guys are getting on with your lives and so forth..."
It's just the combo emotions. It will pass. NO text was waiting.
Came home, transferred stuff back from my mom's car to ours. Drove home. Filled the wheelbarrow with wood from the barn. Checked on the chickens, cleaned the litterboxes, built a fire, fed the dog, fed the cats and there you have it.
Life is still good. Just a little sad today. The new normal.
Going to plan my week tonight. Take it easy. Look at my project again. Read some of my organizational book.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
