The guy who has been helping me around the house with firewood and so forth asked if he could come at nine to put the tarp on the roof. I don't want to have to leave the bedroom while H is here. I would prefer to go this Saturday without seeing him so I told the really nice guy I'd have to pick another time. I hate that because I really need the tarp on the roof. I'm not sure about him working on the roof while Smokey is here though.
I have the big writing project I have to work on, so my time will be well spent in the bedroom.
D19 is going back to school tomorrow so we have packing and organizing to do.
I got up early to pick up the house.
Asked two clients for money yesterday. One said she might pull her daughter out if she needs to pay.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I wouldn't worry too much about the parent who stated that she may have to pull her child if she needs to pay. Your services are not free...call her bluff. You've been selling yourself too short for far too long.
Work on your project.
As for the guy working on the shed roof, I would have let him come on over and do the tarp. It needs to be done and this would show your h that you are moving forward and taking care of things around your home. There's no need to lock yourself away while your h is there. Your h would be visiting w/your daughters and you would be outside or upstairs working on your project.
It's time to live your life and do what needs to be done when the opportunities arise. I'm sorry you feel like you have to be in a room away from everything while he's there. You have to learn to seize the rings when they are presented to you since you are still riding the merry-go-round.
Good luck today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm sending you my support today heather. I completely agree with job about living your life- working on your projects- even with H there.
And definitely call bluff on that parent... Why would they expect NOT to pay..
Xxx
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thank you Busting and Job. Lots of love sent your way!!!
So, maybe the strangest visit thus far.
Yesterday, I had told him that I would be working and, if he needed to talk to me, he could text or email me. He said, "OK."
Well, he walked right in the door and knocked after he had opened the door. I was caught a bit unawares and said a tense "Hi" and shut my door.
Minutes later, Smokey knocks on the door to ask me about some prescription reimbursement stuff that was nothing close to an emergency or something he needed to ask me about in person. His demeanor was all happy, "Hey there!"--glad to see me crappola.
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I've never done this before with the script reimbursement and I was just curious."
So, I shrugged my shoulders and said I couldn't get through to the people, etc... I didn't like how angry I was. He tried to joke with the cat and I didn't react or laugh along. He seemed angry with me and closed the door.
He left to go see the girls.
Then, I read Job's text.
I already was dressed and looked pretty. Had on earrings and so forth.
I didn't like being holed up either. The point was that I didn't want to be ruffled by Smokey. I've made an enormous amount of progress in the last week or so and I didn't want to push myself to hard and fall back into the lump of anxiety.
So. I decided to pick myself up and walk outta the bedroom. I said, "I'm going to the store. I will be back."
I used the time to find my center and adjust my attitude.
I purchased a good tarp (durable and able to handle a temporary roof repair). I picked up some oil for the Jeep and a pair of mud boots because they were on sale for $24. I really needed a pair.
I texted the cute, younger, forester guy and asked if he could come around noon. He said, "Yes."
I came home. Attitude adjusted and walked through the living room (full of silence with Smokey sitting uncomfortable in a chair while the girls played a video game). Got some coffee.
I had noticed that Smokey had filled a wheelbarrow by the door with wood and brought back the garbage can from the end of the drive. I joked how their dad had done two of their chores for the girls. He laughed and said he noticed their chore list and crossed off the two items he had done. I told him that was nice.
I put on my gear for outdoors--put on the mud boots, got rid of the earrings, looked my glam self for feeding chickens-- and said I was heading out to take care of the chickens. I noticed the dog wasn't coming when Smokey called. She is now past being excited like she was when he used to visit. Her focus is now on me. She whined at the door when I left.
I had to walk through the "happy" group two more times to get water for the chickens--the outside spouts are frozen. I was pleasant but made it clear I didn't want to engage with Smokey in any conversation. I joked with the girls.
On the second trip, I noticed he was packing up to go already. It was only 1 hour and 20 minutes since he came. Later, the girls told me that they had decided to see if they could force him out the door by not engaging in conversation. D19 said, "Mom, at first, it was really uncomfortable and he didn't really say anything. I was tempted to make things easier for him and address the elephant in the room. Then, when he went to talk to you, I asked D11 and we decided we didn't want to make it comfortable for him. We were sorta happy he was uncomfortable."
Well, I'm sure I will get blamed for this lack of conversation somehow...but, it's not my fault and I can't control what he thinks or feels. The bottom line is that he has now lost just about any connection he had with his children and that's on him--no matter how he views it. The truth is the truth. He makes not effort to text or call them in between visits.
As I walked through a few times, I did tell D19 she needed to switch loads of laundry because of going back to school tomorrow. Told D11 that she needed to vacuum the hallway. Life as usual.
When I walked back out to finish the chickens, the tarp was right there in the hallway and I'm sure he saw it. He has to know what it's for. He didn't mention it.
He followed me out. I didn't say a word. Went to fill the chickens' water and walked back. He got into his truck. As I walked past, I waved goodbye. He opened his window to tell me how he had taken some wood from the other side of the house and brought it to the front door with the other wood. I said Thanks. Told him to drive safely. He said, "You too." Huh?? I was walking, but said, "Thanks. Take care." And, I walked away. I was firm and dignified.
One really sad note--he didn't notice D11's freshly pierced ears.
He didn't leave any money.
The forester friend came over and is picking up some supplies to fix the roof with the tarp.
I'm spending the rest of the day working on my project.
I feel good. I'm ok. I'm proud of how I handled the visit. I was veering off into Bitterville and I pulled myself back and refocused my energy on things needing done.
Not sure what he was expecting, how he felt or why he left so early. Not sure I really care. I handled myself like a woman who has been treated very badly by someone and needed to keep her guard up.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, I knew that by telling him that you would be working behind closed doors would get to him Notice how the temptation to keep knocking happened? That's why I encouraged you not to hide away, but to continue on w/your tasks and getting your roof covered. Continuing to do the work around you home let's him actually see that life does go on and doesn't stop and stay in one place.
He's got a lot to think about and hopefully realize that he's missing out on a lot of stuff.
I'm glad you opted to come out of your room and do things. There's absolutely no reason to stay behind closed doors in your own home when you know you have a lot to do and can do when he's there. You accomplished more than you realize today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think he didn't fit. He knew it and that's why he left. And, that's all on him. Whether he is able to face this or not, who knows? Who cares, at this point.
He has lost his place here. And, this time, I didn't go outta my way to make room for him. I didn't make jokes or spend time trying to make him find his way into the family again. I let it be what it is.
The girls didn't either. We lived our lives as we do every Saturday, filling time with tasks and errands and so forth.
Obviously, he didn't feel welcome and left after a 1 hour 20 minutes. What really speaks to me is how this is the same person who complained about his relationship with his children a week ago. Only, he didn't make any effort to call or text them in the meantime. I'm sure he was angry about their lack of conversation--but, what does he expect?
Even the dog didn't come when he called. She followed me into the kitchen.
I'm working on my project D19 is packing.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, this is so sad that it came to this kind of relationship between your H and your daughters. They do have a lot of resentment. I’m just afraid that he is going to decide to retreat even further away thinking that his family no longer loves him and needs him. Will your daughters be upset if he would not make any more effort to even see them? I know that he’s been doing it already, but he could just give up completely. It sounded like your daughters were punishing him. Are they prepared for him to completely disappear from their lives? I’m not saying that they should treat him differently, I just don’t want see them hurt more.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, thanks for stopping by. I know, it does sound like they were punishing him. I'm kinda at a loss with this one. I'm the one that suggested the scheduled visitation because he just didn't bother before. He also like to spring visits on me at the last minute.
The reality is that he brings baggage when he visits. A lot of hurt in those bags. And, otherwise, the girls are relatively happy with their lives. So, here comes this guy who hasn't made them a part of his life for nearly two years now and he expects to behave like it's same ol, same ol. It's just not.
He has lost two years of his kids' lives. The kids are mad as hell about his absence and abandonment. I think this was the first visit where I had an absolute HANDS OFF attitude. I let them behave as they chose. And, they did.
I hope, for their sake, that he walked away realizing how much damage has been done. I agree, he may choose to retreat further. Sadly, I can't control this. I've cleaned up so many of his messes. I've tried for months and months to make him understand how he is losing is kids...he has chosen to ignore me and blame me instead of making any real effort.
In other news...
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Yes, I completely understand about the baggage and hurt. I do hope that he realizes how much damage he’s done to the kids and I hope he will try to reconnect with them. I’m glad that they are going about their lives just fine. They are lucky to have you as their Mom.
What are the other news?
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
