Thanks everyone, I appreciate your support and comments...(((RT)))...even though I haven't been commenting, I kept an eye out.
So MC was very insightful and gave me, and apparently H, a lot to think about.
H spent the entire week spinning, and, as he put it, underwater. As a result, he pretty much ignored me and again I felt undervalued and really not important to this person I want in my life.
As a result of a conversation (face to face) today, I let him go. I said it wasn't fair if he didn't know what he wanted, but kept me here as the soft place to land. By putting me in this position of not really together, but not really in your life either, it was allowing him an easy out if he felt he didn't want to be with me after all.
As H said, he is scared of losing himself and doesn't know what he wants. So, I said for him to go out and find it, but without me.
He asked, "What does that mean?" I said no texts or calls. No staying at the house, we will be co parents and discuss finances.
I said that he was waiting for the therapist to tell him that it was okay to take time apart on his own. He agreed. I suggested he own his feelings next time, because to not tell me how he feels would hurt me worse.
He got scared when I made the "out of each other's lives" comment. He said he didn't know what that looked like. I said that we are so close, that you can't possibly find yourself with me in your life and I would rather it be now, than 5 years down the road with damage to both of us again.
So, there ya go. Or there he goes...
I know this was the absolute right decision. It feels so right that although I am sad about it, I am also calm and strangely peaceful. It has been coming to this and when H said counseling, I thought maybe he was ready....not so much. He said this didn't make him any happier either. That this being separate felt no more right than being together...
All I know is that I can't live my life this way. Or rather, I can, but I won't.
I will probably take a break from the boards for a bit, focus on me and school, see what pans out over the next few months.
I'll check in on you all, lurk a bit. Maybe stalk you all
Hugs,
Ruby
My world just opened up again. A little emptier, for now, but the possibilities are endless.
