I want him to be happy

[stilllookingup]

I can't believe it was an year ago when I started this thread. The first thing that comes to my mind is how I've changed. I did my best to detach myself from my H and having no kids really helped. I only saw him few times last year after he left and few texts exchanged also. Some people know we are still married, some people assume we have already been divorced. His mom didn't even know until few months ago if either one of us filed or not. She probably thought we did because at some point I removed my wedding ring. The truth is - as of today nothing has been filed.

He completely distanced himself from his family who has obviously been against what he's doing. This breaks my heart. His grandpa passed away last Feb and no one in the family hadn't been able to tell the grandma what was going on with us or his dad and his wife. Who could have? How heart-breaking would it be for a 80 something old lady who just lost her husband of 60 years to know her son and her grandson have just left their wives around the same time to be with somebody else.

However, as holidays approached somebody had to tell her something because her son or grandson (my H) hadn't called her even ONCE since grandpa passed away. I called her few times and every time she asked for my H, I lied. "Sorry grandma, he's really busy with work" Well lies were all over. We had to tell her. She cried. A 80 something years old lady cried like a little girl - she couldn't believe her son had just divorced his 4th wife. She couldn't believe her sweet grandson who she believed would never do something like this left his wife, me.

At this point I don't care what he and his gf do. Just like the title of my thread, I still wish from the bottom of my heart him to be happy. If his gf can make him happy like I couldn't the past years, then that's what I want. But what I care more about now is his family. They have shown me so much love and support since this all started. You'd think they would side with my H. They love him regardless but they also love me so much it touches and breaks my heart at the same time.

Another biggest change in the past year is that somebody came into my life. Somebody who really cares about me and loves me. I had my guard so high up I didn't let any guy enter into my life but I somehow chose to let him enter and I now believe I did that because I wanted to. I too care for this person so very much. Our situations are so complicated I honestly think we might not be able to be together ever, even if my H and I end up divorcing. Do I regret letting him enter my life? No. He has shown and taught me different warmth and love I'd never known.

However..being a LBS, I know better. I don't simply think "now this guy IS the love of my life! Forget my husband!" like most of WAS would feel? I really don't. I really love this guy and he does too but I still do love my H. Even though I've known this guy for as long as I've known my H, we were never this close. That means he never really knew me before DB. I said in the beginning how much I've changed. This guy entered my life when I was changing. Then it wouldn't be fair for me to say this guy loves me more than my H did because I was definitely NOT the same person for the most part in our marriage.

.........

My life was so much simpler few years ago. I always told my friends I would never get a divorce because I wouldn't like the complicated lives a divorce brings. Well, look at me now. I'm separated but still married. I love my H but I also love this another guy. I want a family. I want my H to be happy. I want to be happy.

A year later, I'm still very much confused and I'm not even a WAS. No wonder it takes so long time for WAS to figure out what they want.