Again, I can only speak for myself regarding the LBS. I think every marriage, no matter how good it is, has things that needed looking at. Yours included. Did whatever I did or didnt do in my marriage mean that my xh had to do what he did? No. My actions or inactions did not cause his crisis, not did they warrant his actions. But as a result of it all, I had the opportunity to look closely at our relationship, in a way I know I would not have if this didnt happen. And I thought, shame on me if I didnt. I think for most of us, we did find that there were things we could have done differently. I wanted that information. It was important to me. Maybe you looked back and saw nothing in your relationship that you needed to change. That's great if you feel that way.
I totally agree with that. Those were my thoughts, albeit different words, exactly.
Look, the common thread you pick up on is, well, the thread you pick up on. Many LBS WANT it to be their fault. The point of the rehash of the past is not to figure out what you could have scientifically done differently. i.e. if I did x, he wouldn't have done y. It's to clean house, so to speak. It is also a chance to put to rest the idea that it's your, the LBS, fault that your spouse chose to leave.
It's human to go over the past and do the post-mortem on the relationship. That doesn't mean you didn't have an awesome marriage before. It's not to say you behaved poorly or that you caused grievances that couldn't be repaired. Try not to think otherwise.
But everyone has something they could have done better with something. It's part of learning. Even if it's something about themselves and not the marriage. We learn, we grow. It's human.
The MLCr doesn't get a free pass to treat the LBS poorly. That's the point of that statement. Not anything else. They made choices. They need to atone for those in a way that is acceptable to both in the relationship. MLC is not a free pass to behave poorly any more than low IQ allows you to murder without consequence.
Forgiveness is a bear. But something that comes with that is that the MLCr needs to know that their behavior was not acceptable and need to feel like they addressed it as well. It's not just about the LBS. Forgiveness is what sets you both free from the past. It's what allows you to work through the current. The future. But it does not absolve the MLCr from feeling like they have to deal with the consequences.
It does mean that the LBS doesn't require that atonement. When the MLCr gets to the point of forgiving themselves, it also means they have put it to rest.
I can understand why you're worried about the common threads. Is there something to be gained from that knowledge? Are you missing something in this?
I say no, you are not. It's one more piece of information to see, but it may not relate to your situation in the least.
Make sense? I am very happy you have these doubts Raine. You wouldn't be human if you didn't. And they will help you become even stronger. And let's face it, you're pretty awesome and have been all along. Your H knows that.
Oh, and I doubt your H wants to make out with FY. Just sayin'
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
