I have always said that it was important for both of you to be on steady ground and to be coming from a place of strength before getting to the meat of the matter. For a few reasons. The things you thought you needed or wanted, would change over time. So, you needed to get your footing and then you would know what you needed and wanted at that time.
It is important for both of you to be there. He has to feel safe to be able to tell you what you need to hear, you have to be strong enough to be able to hear it. Your relationship has to be solid in order to withstand it.
Originally Posted By: Raine
I do see it as a crisis. All the pieces fit. Who he was before, what happened during, who he is right now. Seeing him at peace. Seeing him happy. Seeing him working so hard for me, for us. Yes, textbook.
So here's the part that is difficult and causes me to cycle on it. There is a common thread of opinion here on the forum that yes it is a crisis, but that is not an excuse. They're not psychotic. MLC does not work as an insanity plea. Another common thread is that there is things wrong in the marriage and with the LBS. No one is perfect, right. But the opinions and the blame are there. The opinions are there that in a round about way, I'm a better person now, therefore worthy of this relationship. And I have to resist any of that, because I know my much more imperfect self was worthy of this relationship then.
I cannot speak for anyone else, but these are my feelings. Having a MLC does not give them a free pass on their actions. They cannot take responsibility for the illness as they had no choice in it, they can and should take responsibility for their actions. How they do that or need to do that is up to the two people involved.
Again, I can only speak for myself regarding the LBS. I think every marriage, no matter how good it is, has things that needed looking at. Yours included. Did whatever I did or didnt do in my marriage mean that my xh had to do what he did? No. My actions or inactions did not cause his crisis, not did they warrant his actions. But as a result of it all, I had the opportunity to look closely at our relationship, in a way I know I would not have if this didnt happen. And I thought, shame on me if I didnt. I think for most of us, we did find that there were things we could have done differently. I wanted that information. It was important to me. Maybe you looked back and saw nothing in your relationship that you needed to change. That's great if you feel that way.
Was I a pretty rockin person before all this? I think so. Did I have things I needed to change? Absolutely, I did. If you didnt, more power to you, my friend. I am sorry if you were given that impression, that we were less than before because in my eyes, that aint true.
Was I worthy of a great relationship than? Ayep, I sure was. I was a good person, with a lot of great qualities. And I worthy now, without a single doubt. Would I trade who I am now for who I was then? Not in a million years.
This journey for me had to happen. I was not who I knew I could be. I wanted to be my very best me and I wasnt.
But I do not in anyway think I was undeserving of a good relationship then, nor do I think that now. We are all worthy and we should all be accepting of who we are. But we should also appreciate and understand those of us who want to do better, be better.
Originally Posted By: Raine
For sure there is a lot of what if's. To the point of what if I hadn't DB and just filed and he came running back a few weeks after S? What then? Where would be then? I mean it's not something to dwell on and quite meaningless, but I am a questing, inquisitive gal.
But, I do think that way. I think, hmm...he did want to come back a month into it. What if I had pursued him then? What if I wasn't drinking the DB koolaid and doing my "keep him at arms length work on me" plan? And I think, I may have got him back without him doing as much damage, without #3, #4, #5 on the books...but what then? Would I be who I am today? No, I wouldn't. No way. Could he and I be good? Yeah. I think so. I think it's possible. I think that could have been enough of a wakeup call for him and for me. So I think, is him doing that much more damage worth the time I had to work on myself and really like myself? And that's kind of scary to think, yeah, it is. That's not scary. That's down right f-ing nuts in someone else's book.
I am a questing, inquisitive girl, too. I think that's one of the reasons why we clicked. But I am also someone who believes that things happen as they should. And sometimes we just have to accept that and let it unfold. But f-ing nuts all that ^^^ - ayep.
