WANT TO COAST ON FLAT LAND

[Ambivalent]

Portia,

No need to worry about the AD. I've been on Zoloft for over nineteen years. I have been adjusting my dosage for years. I never had to go to 200mgs, during this wonderful time in my life.

I'm also looking forward to getting back to normal. Yes the board, or group therapy has been more than I could have imagined. I still feel some sadness, just not soul crushing pain. It is interesting, my youngest has gone through a change from all of this as well.

Her innocence and respect for her father has dissipated. She has been terribly hurt by his distancing, and erratic behavior. I can see a distant look in her eyes when she discusses him. I no longer see the mourning for what once was, but an acceptance of his imperfection and an unbelievable sadness for what he has caused.

He has no clue as to the damage he has caused, nor the continuation of pain and distance of where he has positioned himself with his daughter.

My oldest looks to him as a bail-out and a continuous source of revenue. She will not rock the boat nor bite his hand. Yes too many trite expressions... HA!

Anyhoo, yes I'm in a much better place. I think the holidays, in-laws behavior, H's behavior, the support of my estranged family and mostly the unconditional love of my youngest has shown me quite a bit.

I don't think I want to let him back in. Why? Well he and I have been together for over thirty years. There were times he wanted me to read a book or two on something he wanted to see changed. I did. When I purchased books or workbooks thinking we could try something or work on something, he would have NO use for them. Whether it was on romance, marriage, or the needs of our two beautiful daughters.

That shows me it was always about him. I don't want that EVER again. I may have blissfully gone on without coming to that if he hadn't run away from home.

Well the "gift" of time, and the introspection has made me assess something I may not have. I'm I happier that this happened? Gosh no! I now worry if my daughter will ever trust a man . Will she ever trust her father? Will either of my daughters stay in a marriage, or even allow themselves to get married?

Will they be irreparably damaged from his behavior?

With this I have some resentment. Why? Because I chose someone who was so damaged and selfish I contributed to their pain. To their possible future pain. THIS is something for which I will work on ,forgiving myself.

As I write this I'm feeling an ache in the pit of my stomach . Not as strong as previously, but it's still there. Oh well back to painting...

Thanks Portia. Thank you for stopping in. I still need a hug now and then.