Looking back at my thread and filling in missing pieces:
His two main complaints: I am not the same fun, fiery person I was when we met and I don't show him enough affection ( he's correct on both)
My 180s include showing everyone more affection, especially him. And, along with my GAL, getting out of the house as much as possible. I fell into a rut of being a home body. This will help me get back to "me", which needs to happen whether he's still in my life, or not.
I think that answers everything!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
My coach also said to disregard trying to diagnose the problem- it doesn't matter.
That's absolutely correct, the only reason we sometimes explore that is because MLC can take much longer to resolve than WAS. But yes, the DB'ing approach is the same. And it is very hard to diagnose anyway, because all WAS's have shades of MLC and vice versa.
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DB coach agreed my 180's have to include affection- it is his LL. Period.
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I have decided I am not initiating contact any more, even though he said he wants to. Too bad, buster!
The above two comments seem to be at odds. Showing affection is a form of pursuit, which normally isn't advised but may be appropriate in your case given your coach's comments. But can you explain how you're showing affection while also not initiating any contact?
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I cycle through emotions rapidly right now, I am extremely angry tonight.
Totally normal part of the process. You're grieving the loss of your M and the H you knew. You'll cycle through all kinds of emotions. Don't try to fight them or push them away because they just come back double or triple later. Just process them, let them roll through. If you like to read then I suggest The Happiness Trap, it really helped me understand and process my emotions.
His two main complaints: I am not the same fun, fiery person I was when we met and I don't show him enough affection ( he's correct on both)
Part of DB'ing is getting back in touch with that person you once were. Think about what made you "fun" and "fiery" and try to put that back in your life. Try to become the person your H was originally attracted to, that may very well attract him back again.
As before, thank you AS! I appreciate te response!
When I say I am not going to be the pursuer, I mean I'm not going to send him emails and texts, etc for no reason. I will keep up the affection until I get negative reactions- IC and DB coach said to keep it up. It was his main complaint about me. Just for the record: he actually initiates most of it, not me! Although I will throw in a few touches on my own.
I'm not going to ignore him either, but one of my short term goals is for him to initiate contact more, which he did Wednesday evening. So I will continue to sit back until I need to re-assess.
Bowling league starts tonight! Part if my GAL! (We're horrible, but that's what makes it fun!!)
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Had a really good morning at my meetings- I keep asking God to show me signs, and I'm telling you he's answering! I went to 2 meetings today, and both focused on anger, resentment and acceptance. These people were literally describing everything I was thinking. Really good thoughts and advice, just wish I could make myself do it!!!
So I had this amazing morning, and then I came home and cried....when do the emotional swings stop?
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Day 4 of going dim (I'm guessing that's the term- I'm not ignoring him, but I refuse to contact first). He said he would text (I knew not to hold my breath, but did anyway)...he's out of town with some buddies snowmobiling , or should we say AVOIDING!
This is his pattern: work 18 hrs a day for weeks and then go out of town to do an outdoor activity of some sort--- anything to avoid facing your demons!
Mark it down: I'm predicting this will continue until I give up. We take one step forward and then one step back.
Feeling frustrated (but at least it's not angry today!!)
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Just catching up on your post. It is difficult to have no expectations, but I think it depends on the state of your h. (If you saw my h, you would no why having no expectations has been a little easier:)
Funny, I went bowling today. Enjoy your league as that sounds totally fun.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Ok, I need DB advice from vets!!!!!! HHEELLLPPPPP! Lol
Just came back from IC. He gave me an assignment: he said I have to have a convo with H about how his actions make me feel (specifically how his words and actions don't match). This would most definitely be a 180 for me- normally I just shut it down and pretend I'm okay.
This is not to happen until I can detach from whatever his reaction is going to be, so no time soon, because I'm definitely still working on that!
Is this against DB??? Curious as to what some of you have done...
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
It's different for each person. For me, it was probably around 8 months after BD. There were plenty of times before that that I thought I was done with the roller coaster only to find that I was still riding on it.
Originally Posted By: artsy
Mark it down: I'm predicting this will continue until I give up.
Yeah, that's usually the way it works. The WAS keeps distancing until the LBS finally moves on with their own life and quits pursuing the WAS. Sometimes you'll see people around here say the WAS has to "learn to miss" the LBS before the sitch changes.
Originally Posted By: artsy
Is this against DB???
The general rule is the LBS shouldn't share their feelings with the WAS because usually the WAS could care less. Rather, it should be about the WAS and the LBS should seek to listen and validate. I think your IC's comment is more valid if you're working on things rather than when you're dealing with a full-blown WAS, but if you like your IC and you've found their other exercises helpful then do what they're saying. Just be careful not to turn it into a pity party.
