Don't Break Character

[Raine]

Ok, my friend, you know I always keep it real with you. It is time to think about when and how you are going to deal with that anger, right?

Yes, and I love you for that The dealing with it is happening. It was fully seeing where the anger is coming from, and it is coming from that place of not being real. Of having that taboo zone. Of having the triggers, but not being able to talk about it, because he isn't always forthcoming, and I can tell. I can tell when he holds things back or isn't honest. So there are open doors and wounds that are just in limbo, waiting for him to feel safe, secure, or rather for him to feel that I'm capable of hearing things without it affecting me, making me upset or hurt.

But, that is starting to change. This is a long update, but it gets there...

He started reading Men in Midlife Crisis. We haven't talked much about it, other than he likes that the guy is a pastor but open about it and admitting of it.

The last few nights he has really been opening up. When we start to talk about things, he always says things that he is here. This is where he wants to be. He is so happy. He feel so much love for me. Constant reassurance. And I know that. It isn't about that. This isn't because I'm worried he is going to leave or he isn't happy. I really feel that he is happy and all he wants is me.

During these talks it because very clear that I was always his first choice, his only choice. He felt he did want to be back home, weeks after separating, but that he felt it wasn't an option, so he wouldn't think about it or talk about it. He felt like he had destroyed it all and any possible chance he had of fixing us. He was doing whatever he could to just cope. He never saw a lawyer. Never looked anything up related to D.

He talked about our Anniversary being a horrible day for him. He couldn't remember if he did anything other than stay in his room. He said he was so down and depressed. He felt like that day was a major catalysis for him spiraling down. He felt he had lost everything that mattered. This was one of the periods when he started becoming really clingy with me, showing up unexpected. This was the period of time when I was worried he was suicidal. This was also when OW1 laid down an ultimatum that he broke up with her over, but she of course came crawling back. This is also the time he "couldn't" find a place to live, and I offered to let him come back home until he could. Less than a month after our Anniversary, he was back home.

He said that me making that gesture, made him so happy. That he didn't have to ask. It's pretty clear he wanted to come home long before and at different point, but that he wasn't going to ask. He wasn't going to make any kind of move until he was beyond sure I wanted it too. He said it made him so happy that I setup a room for him when he moved back in. I think even at that point he was feeling that he was coming back to sleep on the couch for a week and I was likely going to be asking him constantly when he was moving out. I of course never did.

He talked a lot about being so messed up then and just trying to cope. He talked about thinking he was spending a lot of time with the boys, but now he realizes he wasn't. That he could remember every time he did spend with them, and it seemed like a lot, because he could remember all of them. He started to realize how close S9 was getting to me, that S9 was spending way more time with me, way more bonding time with me, that he was missing out. That S9 wasn't looking towards him that way anymore.

I told him that around that time after our Anniversary, when he was looking for his own place, that I knew that was when I needed to file and move on with my life. That I couldn't move on with my life being married. I was married, and in limbo. I said that when he was going to look for a place of his own, that was the moment I knew that I had to let it go. He asked me if I wished that I had. He wondered if I wished if I had D and been able to move on and be with someone else. I told him no. It was always him. That it was really hard, knowing that I needed to give him space.

I told him he is the one I loved and love. I was holding on, because of what I learned and I thought we could get through it. I thought the relationship I could have with him would be better and more amazing than a relationship I could have with anyone else. I loved him without condition. And that period around our anniversary was hard because the boundary had been set and he was talking about stepping over it. I told him I knew that if I was who he wanted, if he wanted me like I did him, he would do anything to stop that from happening.

If you are saying your marriage was very strong and you both did what you needed to in order for it to be, why, then, is it so hard for you to see that it was a crisis?

I do see it as a crisis. All the pieces fit. Who he was before, what happened during, who he is right now. Seeing him at peace. Seeing him happy. Seeing him working so hard for me, for us. Yes, textbook.

So here's the part that is difficult and causes me to cycle on it. There is a common thread of opinion here on the forum that yes it is a crisis, but that is not an excuse. They're not psychotic. MLC does not work as an insanity plea. Another common thread is that there is things wrong in the marriage and with the LBS. No one is perfect, right. But the opinions and the blame are there. The opinions are there that in a round about way, I'm a better person now, therefore worthy of this relationship. And I have to resist any of that, because I know my much more imperfect self was worthy of this relationship then.

For sure there is a lot of what if's. To the point of what if I hadn't DB and just filed and he came running back a few weeks after S? What then? Where would be then? I mean it's not something to dwell on and quite meaningless, but I am a questing, inquisitive gal.

But, I do think that way. I think, hmm...he did want to come back a month into it. What if I had pursued him then? What if I wasn't drinking the DB koolaid and doing my "keep him at arms length work on me" plan? And I think, I may have got him back without him doing as much damage, without #3, #4, #5 on the books...but what then? Would I be who I am today? No, I wouldn't. No way. Could he and I be good? Yeah. I think so. I think it's possible. I think that could have been enough of a wakeup call for him and for me. So I think, is him doing that much more damage worth the time I had to work on myself and really like myself? And that's kind of scary to think, yeah, it is. That's not scary. That's down right f-ing nuts in someone else's book.

I trust that it was crisis and depression. I don't trust what he tells me all the time, because he's not truthful about the past. And because I don't trust what he says, I don't trust that the crisis is just a one and done.

Not exactly sure what you mean by that. ^^^ Care to elaborate?

This. This is the heart of the anger. That I ask him a question or he starts to talk about something, and he leaves things out or he doesn't answer honestly and fully. And I don't ask or call him out on it, because I feel like it's pointless. So that is the heart of me not feeling real. Because before I would ask and have the whole story. So to side step around it makes me feel fake and untrusting. It makes me have doubts about everything.

So....something came up last night. He started talking about how he had road the train. But when I asked where and why, he just said down south and then road it back up again. And I knew. I knew it was to see OW, but he just left all that out. And it made me feel anxious. And he could tell and said so. So I told him it's anxiety. That when I feel like he is holding things back, I get anxious, because I feel like I'm not getting the full story and then that makes it hard for me to trust and makes me question other things.

He then started talking, and told me he took it to see her. He remembers watching a movie but that they also got into an argument because she wanted more from him, a commitment. And then he started opening up about her even more, I asked questions. He even got to the point of asking my opinion on some of her problems. And it was good, and calm, and I felt a lot better. And afterwards he was somewhat emotional, and just thanked me for letting him talk to me, and he just hugged me for a really long time and told me he loved me.

The anger is coming from the secrets. Not from the past actions. And I'm feeling really good about things. I'm feeling less limbo and more resolution. I'm feeling like he is feeling safe that he can open up and be honest about things without hurting me or making me upset.