Mount Everest. STILL Forbidding. Aloof...

[LoisB]

Thank you Busting and Job. Lots of love sent your way!!!

So, maybe the strangest visit thus far.

Yesterday, I had told him that I would be working and, if he needed to talk to me, he could text or email me. He said, "OK."

Well, he walked right in the door and knocked after he had opened the door. I was caught a bit unawares and said a tense "Hi" and shut my door.

Minutes later, Smokey knocks on the door to ask me about some prescription reimbursement stuff that was nothing close to an emergency or something he needed to ask me about in person. His demeanor was all happy, "Hey there!"--glad to see me crappola.

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "I've never done this before with the script reimbursement and I was just curious."

So, I shrugged my shoulders and said I couldn't get through to the people, etc... I didn't like how angry I was. He tried to joke with the cat and I didn't react or laugh along. He seemed angry with me and closed the door.

He left to go see the girls.

Then, I read Job's text.

I already was dressed and looked pretty. Had on earrings and so forth.

I didn't like being holed up either. The point was that I didn't want to be ruffled by Smokey. I've made an enormous amount of progress in the last week or so and I didn't want to push myself to hard and fall back into the lump of anxiety.

So. I decided to pick myself up and walk outta the bedroom. I said, "I'm going to the store. I will be back."

I used the time to find my center and adjust my attitude.

I purchased a good tarp (durable and able to handle a temporary roof repair). I picked up some oil for the Jeep and a pair of mud boots because they were on sale for $24. I really needed a pair.

I texted the cute, younger, forester guy and asked if he could come around noon. He said, "Yes."

I came home. Attitude adjusted and walked through the living room (full of silence with Smokey sitting uncomfortable in a chair while the girls played a video game). Got some coffee.

I had noticed that Smokey had filled a wheelbarrow by the door with wood and brought back the garbage can from the end of the drive. I joked how their dad had done two of their chores for the girls. He laughed and said he noticed their chore list and crossed off the two items he had done. I told him that was nice.

I put on my gear for outdoors--put on the mud boots, got rid of the earrings, looked my glam self for feeding chickens-- and said I was heading out to take care of the chickens. I noticed the dog wasn't coming when Smokey called. She is now past being excited like she was when he used to visit. Her focus is now on me. She whined at the door when I left.

I had to walk through the "happy" group two more times to get water for the chickens--the outside spouts are frozen. I was pleasant but made it clear I didn't want to engage with Smokey in any conversation. I joked with the girls.

On the second trip, I noticed he was packing up to go already. It was only 1 hour and 20 minutes since he came. Later, the girls told me that they had decided to see if they could force him out the door by not engaging in conversation. D19 said, "Mom, at first, it was really uncomfortable and he didn't really say anything. I was tempted to make things easier for him and address the elephant in the room. Then, when he went to talk to you, I asked D11 and we decided we didn't want to make it comfortable for him. We were sorta happy he was uncomfortable."

Well, I'm sure I will get blamed for this lack of conversation somehow...but, it's not my fault and I can't control what he thinks or feels. The bottom line is that he has now lost just about any connection he had with his children and that's on him--no matter how he views it. The truth is the truth. He makes not effort to text or call them in between visits.

As I walked through a few times, I did tell D19 she needed to switch loads of laundry because of going back to school tomorrow. Told D11 that she needed to vacuum the hallway. Life as usual.

When I walked back out to finish the chickens, the tarp was right there in the hallway and I'm sure he saw it. He has to know what it's for. He didn't mention it.

He followed me out. I didn't say a word. Went to fill the chickens' water and walked back. He got into his truck. As I walked past, I waved goodbye. He opened his window to tell me how he had taken some wood from the other side of the house and brought it to the front door with the other wood. I said Thanks. Told him to drive safely. He said, "You too." Huh?? I was walking, but said, "Thanks. Take care." And, I walked away. I was firm and dignified.

One really sad note--he didn't notice D11's freshly pierced ears.

He didn't leave any money.

The forester friend came over and is picking up some supplies to fix the roof with the tarp.

I'm spending the rest of the day working on my project.

I feel good. I'm ok. I'm proud of how I handled the visit. I was veering off into Bitterville and I pulled myself back and refocused my energy on things needing done.

Not sure what he was expecting, how he felt or why he left so early. Not sure I really care. I handled myself like a woman who has been treated very badly by someone and needed to keep her guard up.