Depression is a very difficult thing for everyone to deal with and it hits the partner very hard. What kind of support have you found for yourself? Have you educated yourself about D? Have you in the past (before BD) had conversations with your W about her illness? Not blaming, complaining conversations but open conversations about dealing with it. As background, I've dealt with depression in myself and my son. I know how tough it is.

You can't fix her depression but you can be supportive and empathetic. If you can't be that, then you probably can't live with it. Leaving a marriage you can't be happy in is a viable choice.

About your wife "whining" all the time. Is that what she's doing or is she sharing her experience with the kids with you. In the story above, unless you were with them the whole time it's hard for you to know that she's blowing things out of proportion. Do you and your W or did you in the past have conversations in which you actually listen respectfully to each other?

Your posts have several references to her whining, moaning, complaining. I ask again, what is your goal? Why do you want to save this marriage. It's a question we should all ask ourselves. I was challenged when I first came here to answer that question.

The tools in the DB books are about one partner changing and those changes, like ripples in a pond, change the dynamic of the R. What are your goals? What are you going to change?

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss