One year in but a newbie

[Lifes Twists]

Little bit of an update. My kids needed fuel in the jeep which I allow them to drive to school in on Wednesday. While I was there my W was hovering and downloading to me. I got the impression she is feeling very sorry for herself. I believe her vision of how things would work out are not happening. I think she had envisioned that the girls would go to school at the university where she works. They would stay at home and have one nice happy family unit without me in the picture. My oldest instead chose a school about 2 hours away and now wants to transfer to a school in NC. My middle daughter refused to apply to the local university and has applied to and been accepted to schools in SC. Both girls will be 12 to 15 hours drive away from home. My wife said to me that the girls no longer need her. Then she moaned about how she would be alone with just the puppy they got over the summer.She followed up with another moan about how she was stuck working till she is seventy to help the girls pay off their college. She even let on that she was thinking about cashing in her retirements and 401ks to help pay of the kids college debt. I treated her like she was a neighbor, told her that things would work out, that she should cash in her retirements as the penalties would be high. I told her she should be happy that the kids were having the opportunity to go to the college of their choice. I kept a positive vibe going the whole conversation and never let her drag me down.

Is it normal for the WAS to feel so sorry for themselves when things don't match their fairy tale vision about how their lives will be better after they leave?

[labug]

What is your goal? Do you love your W? I ask because you have nothing good to say about her?

[Lifes Twists]

That is what I am struggling with right now. I am not sure about the love anymore. The more I ave been able to detach and get some distance, the more I question myself.Having spent so many years with a severely depressed person who always seems to look for the negative in everything I am starting to question whether I can stand it for the next period of my life. yesterday email from W she complained how the 2 older girls had not gotten along with each other throughout the entire time that my oldest has been home from college on winter break. I had just gotten a text from my middle daughter that she and her older sister were on their way to have lunch together. My perspective is the kids are just being kids and having the usual power struggle that siblings have growing up. My Ws is that they have been fighting the entire time. She always blows everything up into a huge negative. How does one respond and live with this?

[labug]

Depression is a very difficult thing for everyone to deal with and it hits the partner very hard. What kind of support have you found for yourself? Have you educated yourself about D? Have you in the past (before BD) had conversations with your W about her illness? Not blaming, complaining conversations but open conversations about dealing with it. As background, I've dealt with depression in myself and my son. I know how tough it is.

You can't fix her depression but you can be supportive and empathetic. If you can't be that, then you probably can't live with it. Leaving a marriage you can't be happy in is a viable choice.

About your wife "whining" all the time. Is that what she's doing or is she sharing her experience with the kids with you. In the story above, unless you were with them the whole time it's hard for you to know that she's blowing things out of proportion. Do you and your W or did you in the past have conversations in which you actually listen respectfully to each other?

Your posts have several references to her whining, moaning, complaining. I ask again, what is your goal? Why do you want to save this marriage. It's a question we should all ask ourselves. I was challenged when I first came here to answer that question.

The tools in the DB books are about one partner changing and those changes, like ripples in a pond, change the dynamic of the R. What are your goals? What are you going to change?

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Labug,

I am in IC for myself. I have done a lot of searching, reading and educating myself about depression over the years. I have also educated myself on the long term affects of ADs. I have tried to have conversations with my wife and tried to share with her what I have learned. Her response is to not want to discuss it and to tell me that I have a hang up over her depression and being on ADs. When I sit there and watch her consuming larger and and larger amount of alcohol, involuntary shakes and twitching I get scared and concerned and try again to talk to her. Again I am rebuffed. When I approached her family about it I am again rebuffed. I have tried to get her to see the issues with her illness and try and get the help she needs and I am rebuffed.

I am not trying to fix her depression. What I want for her is to get her into the type of counseling where she will learn skills to deal with her depression. Unfortunately she refuses that type of counseling and rather wants to find the type of counselor who supports her beliefs and does not help her to find solutions.

My immediate goal is to get our mutual responsibilities cleaned up and get my personal life less cluttered. We have a house that is under construction and cannot be sold till it has a certificate of occupancy for the un finished portions.I am also trying to work on the relationship with my daughters.I always thought we had respectful conversations where we listened to each other. The problem I found out is that I listened and then offered solutions or tried to fix the issues myself. I did not realize that at times she only wanted to be listened to. I think a lot of men have this issue. One of my 180s is to listen to her and not offer a solution unless she asks for it.

I am reading the books, working on myself and doing 180s. I am in IC and one the the things I am working on is why do I want to save this marriage. I continue to DB while I try and answer this question for myself.

[labug]

You've done some work, and I like and understand your last sentence above.

Your current R with your W isn't such that you'll be able to talk to her about her illness. This is her path to walk. You've said your piece, now leave it.

I must have missed in your earlier posts the issues with alcohol. That's a real game changer and adds yet another layer of complexity.

These ^^^ are all her issues. You have to focus on you. Google Depression Fallout, it might be of some help.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Labug,

Thanks for your comments and pushing me to look at things. Presently I am not discussing her illness with her. That was reserved for when we were together. I believe one of the final discussions with her that pushed her in the direction she has chosen is when I confronted her on the fact she was consuming up to 30 ounces of wine every evening. She responding that she did not even feel it and that I was a light weight. I tried to explain to her the interaction of ADs with the liver and why she won't feel the effects of the alcohol and she did not want to hear it. Unfortunately their are many layers of complexity to my situation and I have to decide if I want to work at pealing off each layer. I have decided that I would have to see some movement on her part to get the help she needs to working on her issues before I would return to a full married relationship with her. Until then I will continue to work on myself and my relationship with my daughters.

[Lifes Twists]

I had signed up for match.com a few months after this all started. At the time I was so angry with the situation that I wanted to see the types of women available. Since then I get 16 matches via email even though I did not put much of a profile. Tonight I was going through my emails and my W has signed up for match.com and came as a potential match for me. I am not sure how this make me feel, but I guess if I did it so can she. I won't let her know that she showed up and that I know she is out there looking. Has anyone else had this happen and how did they handle it?

[Lifes Twists]

I meant to ask if I should let her know that she came across as a potential match? Would she consider this stalking?

[Lifes Twists]

Well I have slept on it and decided to do nothing. If I make a comment to her about it then I am not detaching. I can see now that this is a reaction of hers to my second daughter getting accepted to college and my Ws comment that the girls don't need her anymore. She has defined herself first and foremost as a mother and is now feeling that slipping away with the kids moving on with their lives. Since her post on the dating site is half hearted at best with no real content I hope she will slow down and take the time to find herself first before she rushes off into some R.

For me, I will continue to detach, GAL, practice my 180s, work on myslef and my relationship with my daughters.