Discovering the buck stops here....

[mizjjd]

Job:I'm very sorry to read about S20 and what he is going through. I can imagine that he is extremely scared of what lies ahead and rightly so. I'm keeping him in my prayers.

I apologize for not making it clear that S20 is not actually physically ill. He has anxieties. But he definitely needs some prayers!

I wish your D19 all the best, but I think she needs to step back and wait a bit before even thinking about marrying this guy. I hope she wises up and soon.

I agree. She is wildly impulsive and has made some damaging choices in her 19 years. I recognize that she has to travel her own path, just sorry she has chosen such a dangerous route.

S17 sounds like he's still on an even keel and doing okay.

Ss17 are remarkably well adjusted young men. They are the flip side of their elder siblings.

I do have to wonder what is up w/the laundry. It appears that there are a few of them that do laundry. I wonder if it's soothing to them to hear the washing machines and dryers running and just knowing that there's not a lot of thought into sorting, etc. My mlcing friend was doing laundry every day! LOL!

How are the in-laws doing these days? What about you? How are you doing?

The in-laws are better. MIL still has bad days from time to time but overall has improved.

I am doing ok. I have some swelling in my feet and legs that is bothersome and am considering a doctor visit for that. (Now that we have insurance lol.) I suspect it is my age and weight and the result of working retail for many years. I think I'll try some compression socks for a bit and see what effect they have.

Regarding the weight, H got me a treadmill for Christmas. (This is another part of what I see as his "trying". I have been asking for a treadmill for years.) I have been faithfully using it and my waistband is showing just a small improvement I actually love working out on a treadmill so this is a happy spot in my days. Other than that, not too much outward development. I am still working both jobs. Wonderfuljob is still pretty wonderful. Fastfoodland is ok, I like my coworkers and being that my shifts are just a few hours and only 2 days a week the whole thing is ok.

Inwardly, I am striving toward more and more detachment. The light I see H in right now is not a flattering one for him (despite the laundry!) I feel I am in a bit of a holding pattern at the moment, trying to sort out what will be the best course of action for me - and for the kids. I am working on forgiveness and am purposefully developing an "attitude of gratitude". Because I do really have so very much to be grateful for (including you Job and all the wonderful posters here on DB!) I am "accentuating the positive, eliminating the negative" and hoky/trite/cliche as that may sound, it makes a difference. I highly recommend it!!

Portia:Awesome to see your post Jaye!

Your H is trying. Lordy, can they confuse us any more? But good for you for not letting it throw you for too much of a loop.

I am a sucker for any animal in distress, so I am very proud of you for sneaking the kitty-cats in. My cat is so pampered, it is ridiculous. That little girl is in there Jaye, she just does things a little differently these days, that is all.

Do you think that laundry is like a Lady MacBeth sort of thing? A guilty sort of "out damned spot?" Wash away the sins? In my infrequent contacts with Skippy, he said more than once that his favourite part of his new apartment was the insuite laundry. And that he did laundry just for fun. So there is another one for the MLC play book, beware clean laundry!

You may be on to something here! I thought maybe it was a way of the MLCer taking control of a part of their environment?

Take care!

You too

willbewell:omg, my h would catch up laundry on the weekends. he'd spend half the day. Folded so pristine!
he didn't like my just get it done method...didn't seem to remember that the laundry was not the only chore...

I so hear you on this! H wanted to know "what is that basket of clothes in front of the dryer?" I told him the clothes were clean but I had not had time to hang/fold them. "Oh! Well you see, I don't start laundry unless I know I'll have time to completely finish the job." (Internal Jaye "Why you sanctimonious pr!ck!!" External Jaye "Yes, that's a good plan. Bye now, gotta go to work.")


of course, I would thank him...

I thank H, but not effusively. A long time ago, when the kids were little I came home to find H cleaning the house. I was floored, stunned, amazed. And enthusiastically thanked H.

Who told me he "Only did it so you would see it can be done and isn't that hard." I'm not sure if that comment would offend anyone else, but it was a sucker punch for me. It still upsets me now lol, and its been over 15 years.

Well, that was the first and last time H "helped" (or showed me his superiority) in household matters until recently. So, I'm keeping the thanks pretty low key. For the past comments and because too, why should I find it remarkable that a husband helps out with household chores? I mean, for my H in particular it is indeed fairly remarkable, but it shouldn't be.


AJM Quote:MWD had a FB post asking if her followers would marry the spouse, if they had it all to over again.

My answer was "No." I was wondering what my DB friends would answer? Are you sure about that, Mizjd? Yes.I mean really? Really. I know I would have. We had close to 20 great years, by both our admissions. I really did enjoy those times. AJ, I am very genuinely glad that you had 20 great years. I think we had maybe, maybe, 2. H's affairs began at the 4 year mark.His attitude and nastiness predated the affairs by about a year and escalated (with periods of calm interspersed) since then. Sure it got wonky at the end (no relation to Ms Wonka; just a term.) (Lol, what a DB twist that would be!!) But that was a point in time and for reasons I can't really explain.

I see a few things though. You're tired. Yes, very. And guess what?! This makes H mad. If I fall asleep on the couch he tells me I disgust him. Reasonably so I should think. Two jobs and raising a family. That'll wear you down both physically and emotionally. Watch for that and try to take care. I thank you for your insight and concern (See the gratitude comments in my response to Job ^)

But it is having an effect on you. You don't have the patience with some of your feelings. The other is that you're rightfully questioning how you are with him. Given all that has gone on, the OW, etc. I'd think that's long overdue, my dear.

In my case, my W cheated and ran off and married the OM all while being very nasty. I never posted it all, but she was continues to be quite nasty when she gets a chance. Even through all of that, I knew something was "wrong" or "going on" with her. And I felt compassion more than anger. There has been some anger to be sure but a person can only take just so much without some anger. I am sorry you had to go through this. Believe me when I say I know how much that hurt. And I debate this very topic all the time. Is something wrong with my H? I think there probably is. Knowing this, I ask myself, what is the right thing to do? What is the ethical thing? And I haven't figured all that out yet. But I do know that allowing another person, even a damaged person, to mistreat me is not the "right" thing. (How'd you like that Jaye-go-to-al-anon folks?) I have changed some of my own behaviors, the "enabling" behaviors. I have changed my perspective; realized that despite being so-called by H, I am not actually the root of all evil. Realized that I am worthy of love, respect and kindness regardless of my achievements (or lack thereof) and regardless of whether or not I fall asleep on the couch. But I can make all these changes and still remain vulnerable to hurt. Frankly it doesn't make me feel good to be called disgusting for being tired - or putting on a sweatshirt. (My being cold also disgusts H.)

I've found the anger to be helpful but also to mask some other feeling in many cases. Not always. There was some justified anger that no other feeling would suffice for. But often it was something else I had to dig a bit for. Perhaps that would be the same for you? I am not sure I follow this bit. I think you are saying you see me being angry - which I am. Justified or not. You feel my anger is masking another feeling? I don't know. Maybe. I will have to think on this.

The anger and tired come together to "help" bring about change. That's it's purpose in the bigger picture. Some of that change is figuring out who you are and what your boundaries are. In your case, not in the heat of anger but over time. My anger isn't very heated any more. Actually its more cold. Its more of wanting to get away from H. Many things preclude getting geographically away right now. But there is a lot of pain connected to H for me.

I can tell that this situation won't go on forever. You won't let it. At some point, a change will be made and things will go one direction or the other. I agree. If there's anything to be learned from this whole experience it is that nothing lasts forever. There will be a planetary realignment, a seismic shift etc and changes will come.

I missed the part about your son. Is he in counselling for the anxieties? S20 was on Paxil for about a year and a half which seemed to ease things for him. I am urging him to pursue counseling. Thanks for asking!

Thanks to everyone for stopping by. It means a lot to me. Part of my new-me resolution is to make more connections with people. And I have started reaching out to a few old friends, working on turning them into current friends. But I have no wish to dump all this, this Jaye/H-trauma-drama on them. And if I did, they wouldn't understand it the way DBers can and do. So I am truly grateful for this board and for the people who connect with me here. You make a difference!

Love,

Jaye