Barrybran II - Six Weeks In

[Barrybran]

Well, today was a bit of a 'meh' day. I spent the day somewhat bummed trying to process the events of last night, my wife's morning messages and get through the day with the kids. I did alright considering. In the afternoon, I started to look online for things I could do with my wife. Most of the suggestions are flat out boring so I might have to create my own list and put them to her. We're heading to a major town on Tuesday so I'm thinking about suggesting we find a board game the two of us can play.

Last night, my wife suggested we have a family movie night. We wound up watching Smurfs 2. The kids were happy but there wasn't much closeness with my wife and I. I wasn't expecting any after last night but it's been nice having her affection lately. She wore short shorts and I couldn't take my eyes off her. She's normally a fan of short shorts but it's summer, my parents have left and we were just home with our kids so I got an evening of visual appreciation.

Today wasn't a productive day DB-wise. My wife is home all weekend so we'll see how we go. We're tag-teaming at the gym tomorrow as we have to look after the kids and then going to the town pool in the afternoon. I wish it wasn't so hot outside so I could go do some gardening but it'll just be another day of chores around our plans. See how we go.

[Lostforwords]

Things are only as boring as you let them be.....Think about that.

You stated you had different interests than your wife.....So what are her interests?

While I don't know how (tone, etc) your wife delivered her message, I do feel that you are taking it too personal and not listening enough (hence the meh feeling). I get the feeling that you want to take some initiative, but feel trapped. Some by money, some by the small town, and some by past "deep hurts". These deep hurts are an issue....you have to address them or let them go. If you don't, moving forward will be hard. These are good things for a counselor to help with.

So tomorrow...it is hot....Why don't you take the initiative and invite her girlfriend's family (you mentioned her before...has kids the same age)over for an evening of board games or cards. The kids play, the adults have conversation, and you take initiative while getting out of your social cacoon.

Just a thought.

[Barrybran]

Things are only as boring as you let them be.....Think about that.

Yeah, that's why I'm compiling my own list. I'm not sure if it's a great idea but I figure it's my list, my wife will see that it's my list and not some generic website list and hopefully she'll be able to say what she wants to try/not try. See how we go I guess.

You stated you had different interests than your wife.....So what are her interests?

She loves cooking and does cakes as a hobby. She likes trashy TV shows. She enjoys spending time with friends and she spends a lot of her time playing games on her phone. Oh, and eBay :p

While I don't know how (tone, etc) your wife delivered her message, I do feel that you are taking it too personal and not listening enough (hence the meh feeling). I get the feeling that you want to take some initiative, but feel trapped. Some by money, some by the small town, and some by past "deep hurts". These deep hurts are an issue....you have to address them or let them go. If you don't, moving forward will be hard. These are good things for a counselor to help with.

The message this morning mentioned her confusion again over whether to leave and separate and included us "falling into old routines". In a nutshell, she wants to spice things up a bit by trying things we'd not normally do. I do like this idea, I really do, but I am skeptical as I do have some wounds in this area. I was rejected by her for the best part of a couple of years when I suggested doing things together and her being impulsive makes it hard to either plan an event or get in the same mood as her quickly. I'm not sure I worded that last part right but after a day of chasing kids and doing housework, if my wife comes home tired, she normally sits on the couch and recovers. She doesn't exactly portray an "I'm ready to try something different" mood. I do want to bring up my concerns here with her but because I don't know if I'm still in separation mode or somewhere between separation and reconciliation, I don't really know whether I bring it up or leave it and just 'fake it until I make it'.

So tomorrow...it is hot....Why don't you take the initiative and invite her girlfriend's family (you mentioned her before...has kids the same age)over for an evening of board games or cards. The kids play, the adults have conversation, and you take initiative while getting out of your social cacoon.

It's a good idea but I'm not ready for that yet. I like my wife's friend but I'm not too keen on her husband. In fact, I'm pretty comfortable in my own space and haven't needed people since I've been living here. I know that's something I have to change but I'm in no rush here as I want to make sure it's with people I actually want to hang out with. Definitely an idea to file away for another day though. I may steal the cards though and suggest playing just with my wife. Thanks.

Just a thought.

[Barrybran]

My wife must be reading your mind LFW. Her friend invited us around to her place for a BBQ and for the kids to have a swim tonight. Uncanny.

[Lostforwords]

Think about your 180's.....while they create a new your from the outside, sometimes they pull out parts of you that you have forgotten that existed. Have a great BBQ...be social...expand your horizons.

New doors open in how you live when you decide to get up and walk down the hall.

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

Today was alright. Last night I sent my wife my list of activities I'd come up with before I went to bed. She didn't say anything about it today. We each took turns going to the gym this morning while the other looked after the kids. When I came home I asked if she wanted to shave my face (turned down; not sure of herself with a razor on my face) and invited her into the shower (didn't see the message in time) without expectations. My wife has spoken about trying new things so I just decided to ask her what was on her mind and see how she'd respond. At the end of the day I had to shave and shower so it didn't matter whether she joined me or not.

Later in the morning, we went about sorting out some house stuff. Nothing really exciting there. In the afternoon we had some lunch and watched some TV. We were on opposite ends of the couch but she came and lounged on me a little later which I enjoyed.

Tonight turned out better than expected. My wife's friend and her husband have had some marital issues too so it's a whole bag of awkward but we went along, drank, chatted and the kids ran amok. There was a lot of small talk but it was enjoyable nonetheless. My wife didn't seem all that interested in me but I wasn't expecting her attention tonight to be honest. Now after a late night, the kids and wife have gone to bed and I'm up on my own.

All in all, a reasonable day. I feel unfulfilled but I guess I understand that that is to be expected two days removed from my wife being unhappy with me and separation thoughts flooding back. To have some affection is nice but it looks like I have to be patient. See how we go.

[Lostforwords]

B,

This isn't a sprint....It is a long walk of constant change. Use your time as a gift to change yourself.

You are getting overly hooked on her actions...I know it is tough. In a way, you are kinda like a little sad puppy. Your wife has stated clearly that your procrastination and initiative are issues for her. You sent the list of things to do...not bad, but probably not what she is looking for. A better approach might have been instead of sending a list stating.....I would like to wrestle croc's someday....act on it and say "It is a beautiful day outside and there is a croc down in the river, what do you think about going down there and wrestling him?".

“What you do is what matters, not what you think or say or plan.”

How is the job hunt going?

As for the shower and shaving.....I think you pushed the intimate envelope a little there. While ML is pretty intimate, for a lot of people shaving or showering is a whole other level of intimacy. While I applaud your initiative, I kinda feel this was the wrong place for it. Kind of like like learning to drive....You went right from not knowing how to let's jump into a race car......You missed a few baby steps LOL

As for the friends....You at least got up and started moving towards the hall. Why don't you take it a step further and see if the husband want's to go do something? Not that would be 180 for you.

[Barrybran]

B,

This isn't a sprint....It is a long walk of constant change. Use your time as a gift to change yourself.

You are getting overly hooked on her actions...I know it is tough. In a way, you are kinda like a little sad puppy. Your wife has stated clearly that your procrastination and initiative are issues for her. You sent the list of things to do...not bad, but probably not what she is looking for. A better approach might have been instead of sending a list stating.....I would like to wrestle croc's someday....act on it and say "It is a beautiful day outside and there is a croc down in the river, what do you think about going down there and wrestling him?".

“What you do is what matters, not what you think or say or plan.”

It's my first major backslide so I'm working through my own feelings on that. I hate doing anything wrong. Hate it with a passion. So to do so well and then mess up like I did has taken a little longer than I'd hoped to let go of. I know I have to and I know that I will but it's both frustrating to have screwed up and also intriguing feeling the feelings and trying to learn what I can about myself and how I process not only the good things I've done but any bad things I will no doubt do.

That has contributed half of the puppy situation. The other half I put that down to being acutely aware of my wife's actions at the moment. It's not healthy and something I intend to break free of at some point but it stems from being confused about where my situation is truly at. I'm really confident that I understand the basics of DB. It's early days but I've read to death and what I've put into practice has worked. It's the next step I'm struggling with and I've yet to find the right information to help me deal with it. I know I'll find it but I'm trying to remain aware of my wife's responses until I can find this information.

How is the job hunt going?

Job hunt is slow. I'm finding out new information at least. Putting my name down at the local council will be a dead end and I've yet to put my name down at the local grocery store. In fact, I've put in 1.5 days at my wife's store (voluntarily...) and chased kids all week. There was a job advertised in the next town over which I should have called about already but haven't.


As for the shower and shaving.....I think you pushed the intimate envelope a little there. While ML is pretty intimate, for a lot of people shaving or showering is a whole other level of intimacy. While I applaud your initiative, I kinda feel this was the wrong place for it. Kind of like like learning to drive....You went right from not knowing how to let's jump into a race car......You missed a few baby steps LOL


Yeah, I know. I am way ahead of myself here but, like the list, I'm just trying things here. I was pretty happy with the shaving idea despite the intimacy attached. The shower was clutching at straws though. Again, this stems from the confusion about where exactly I'm at. Once I figure out where I am I'm pretty confident I'll be able to negotiate this next phase successfully.

As for the friends....You at least got up and started moving towards the hall. Why don't you take it a step further and see if the husband want's to go do something? Not that would be 180 for you.

Like my last post, I'll leave this as a work in progress. I know too many bad things about this guy and whilst he's nice to me personally, I know he doesn't treat his wife well, I know he's into smoking pot (I personally don't have an issue with this but it's not for me and my wife) and I KNOW my wife would be asking questions if I spent too much time with him. Also like my last post, I'll be keeping the idea on file when suitable people pop into our lives.

All in all, I still feel pretty buoyed about where I'm at. There are good signs despite the slowdown and then backslide. I just feel that if I can work out where I really am and what the strategy is moving forward I'll be able to arrange the knowledge I have into a workable solution. Right now it feels like I have DB with the expectation that I'll try new things and I'm not exactly sure it's that black and white.

[Lostforwords]

B,

I agree that you are doing very well...with some minor backslides, nothing really major.

My only real concern are your 180's....They seem a lot more wife focused than B focused.

-You are taking more initiative because she wanted it
-You went out socializing because she wanted it
-You are changing things intimately because she wanted it

Now while some of that is being aware of her wants....I don't see a lot of self induced change to better yourself.

One thing I have learned in life and personal change is it is like being an addict. An addict won't end their addiction because somebody told them to.....when that happens it almost always fails. Now when an addict wants to end their addiction, the success levels go through the roof.

You change yourself because you want to, not because your wife wants you to. That way it sticks and old ruts aren't revisited.

[Barrybran]

Yeah, I haven't said much about my 180's. The biggest ones to date are dropping all relationship talk unless she initiates it, giving her her time and space and doing things for myself instead of my wife. Something I read early on that hit home was that when you begin dating you have your own life, your own job, your own friends, your own interests, etc. and you choose to share your life with someone else. I handed mine over to my wife completely. When I read that I understood the importance of being comfortable in my own skin. Oddly enough, I've become comfortable doing what I'm doing right now because I'm doing them for me; housework, yard work and games. It's not much but it's all for me and I understand that there are more changes to come when things start to fall into place.

I feel I've done as much as I can so far given the circumstances. Because of this, I'm more focused on what my wife wants to change while keeping in mind the things I want to change when the time comes. She's been a good sport by telling me some things she wants and since they're reasonable, I either make the changes or she goes elsewhere.

I'll be honest, I have developed a comfort with what I do where I live. I'm used to city life and being able to do the things I'm interested in. Living in the country now, I'm not interested in the activities and people here. Sure, there's enough for the average person and the people are nice but it's not for me. I've thought a lot about my ideal life here and it would involve going to work, coming home and chasing my kids, helping with housework and spending time with my wife and that's it. My special activities would include going to one of the major cities to watch my favourite football team play (once a year), planning a family holiday and maybe taking in some shows in the next major town over. It's not exciting but it's a compromise between what my wife wants (to stay here) and what I want (have a life by exploring my interests).

That's why I have to keep a lid on ideas like my wife telling me she'd consider a job elsewhere. Even in the next major town over there's 30,000 people versus 3,000 and activities and events to reflect that. To move would mean more to do for me but it's a throwaway comment from my wife.

This process has been valuable in helping me think about me and what I want from life. I've always known that I can't have everything I want, especially since I've lived in this town, but it's helped me to prioritise what I feel is important (my wife and kids). I've given up a lot to be here but I understand now that I can have what I want too and I have to explore that. Unfortunately, it's all tied into having a job but I'll get there.

My 180's are important for me and I've achieved the success that I have in such a short frame of time because I have made changes for myself. Now, it's time to focus on my wife's needs and wants because she's been good enough to bring them up. Mine aren't done by any means but things will start to fall into place eventually and I'll be able to make adjustments along the way.