I talked about my wife's addiction a little bit with counselor, but decided that going down that road and trying to figure out the what/why of the matter wasn't really beneficial. I do think part of her current mental state is the result of getting rid of her coping mechanish/crutch. I know i changed quite a bit when i gave up mine. Beyond that, I have let it go as much as possible.
Hmmmm, I see what you're saying but AlAnon, NarAnon, whatever Anon is more about you than the "qualifier". It's definitely not about trying to figure out the why/what, it is about detaching, letting go and getting support in that process.
Just a thought.
Keep working on you, that's all anyone can do.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
One of my concerns with living with my wife is that maybe that doesn't provide enough 'space'. Enough space that maybe she would actually miss me a little and have a change of heart. I certainly miss having a spouse and all the little things it entails. I miss not sending her little emails about funny small occurences during the day. I miss not having someone to share things with........
I have that concern too, but on the other hand(being separated) you run the risk of too much space and your WAS not being able to notice any changes. It seem those of us that live with our WAS think we need more space, and those that are separated think it would be better if they lived together. Im not sure what is best, both seem hard to me. Trust me, It is hard as hell to live with my WAW and try to be upbeat, patient, and keep DBing. I am mentally and physically exhausted by 9:00pm
If you've been texting, make phone calls, and emails thought the day and now your not, you are giving each other space. She might be missing those stories, she may not. She may want to text/email you but is afraid, and again she may not. I miss sharing those things too and I miss the things she use to share with me and it absolutely [censored]. I think labug summed it up best.
Keep working on you, Thats all anyone can do.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
She called me at work today but i missed the call. So I texted her back to see if i needed to step out of my meeting to call her or whether she could text back her statement or question. She responded that 'she forgot I was out of the city at a meeting. Nothing. Sorry'.
I was so sure she was going to tell me she filed for divorce. Worried about it on and off all day. About half way home during the hour drive I remembered the story Michelle tells about her coming home from a convention and meeting her husband.
About how what she thought was going to happen when she got off the plane would actually then effect what happened when they met. So i calmed down and decided to do something different. Right or wrong who knows.
I quit touching my wife (non sexual ways) about two weeks ago as I thought that was space intrusive/pushy/acting like nothing was wrong. So when i got home this time, i just walked over and gave her a hug and said it was good to see her. She acted like that was slightly weird, but at least she didn't deck me!
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Today was difficult. Close to two weeks since any R discussion. I have no idea of what is going through wife's mind. She hasn't filed for D, is she waiting for something? If she is waiting for something, what the hell is that something?
Basically I feel out of control which is not something I like to feel. I so want to just ask 'what are your plans' or 'what are we doing'. This living together and chit chatting, making jokes, getting along all while having a monstrous elephant in the room is nerve wracking.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Going to IC, going to AA meetings again, bought a guitar/learning how to play one, reading a lot of books. Two weeks of no R talk seems to be an indication of detaching. Since we live together but in the same bed even.....lots of opportunity for talking however I am not. I wouldn't say as detached as possible but pretty damn good for the situation!
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
tough spot - I'm newish to the board but have been following your thread because I can relate to your situation. My H told me right before the holidays in no uncertain terms that he was done and that there was nothing that would change things, but in the past two weeks has made no efforts/conversations towards either direction. No talk or action towards D or moving out (hasn't even contacted a L, because he agreed to talk with me first before he does it so we could discuss what type of D proceedings we want), but no interest in working on things either. We just continue to live like we used to except don't sleep in the same room or really go places together except errands. It's definitely walking on eggshells and like you I'm nervous everyday about whether or not today is going to be the day he says he's called a L. Like ScottCat said, each day H goes without mentioning D or anything related I consider it a small success, and I don't bring it up as much as I'd like to ask "what the **** is going on?!". Sometimes I wonder if he forgot he ever said that, but then something little will happen that makes me think he definitely hasn't forgotten.
Like you've prob. read elsewhere, all we can really do is work on ourselves so that no matter what happens, we're in a good place. And hopefully, our H/W's will take notice, but if not, we did what we could. That's what I keep telling myself, anyway!
Me:30 H:29, no kids T:12, M:4 (when D was final) 12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore" 6/14: Separated (I move) 1/15: H filed for D 5/15: D final
I think the same beds is making it even tougher. Either get close, or separate sleeping arrangements. As mentioned, this could have legal implications for establishing valuation date for separating finances. She could be running up debt that you will also be on the hook for. We were in the same bed for a week after separating. My IC and my family doctor said this was very unhealthy for the mind and stress on the body. It is not fair. I probably did not handle it well, but made a move and she said 'no'!. So I said we cannot be in the same bed anymore and told her what my IC and doc said. I went to sleep on the couch and she pushed past me and plunked down on the bed and said she would be the one to change sleeping spot (almost martyr-like). It was so stupid. For two weeks I kept offering and implored her to take the master bedroom and I set up the guest room. She kept going to the guest room and refused to leave it saying she never wants our bed again. (btw-later in litigation for assets she demanded to have the master bed). Anyway, she kept coming into the bathroom in the mornings when I was showering and changing. She believed this was acceptable stating 'it's different for men'. She even commented 2 times I looked good (undressed). How to mess with a head man. I asked her to stop this and give me privacy if she had it. 2 months later she accused me of kicking her out of the master BR. Can't win. Bottom line pal, either you get close and reconnect, or discuss separate sleeping arrangements. This is driving you nuts. Anyone else with suggestions on how TS can make this transition smother than mine? Or, should he stay and hope for the best?
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Today i sense that she is almost irritated to be around me. Of course, that book i mentioned, 'the four agreements' states that one 'isn't supposed to presume'. That book is kind of interesting. certainly has things in it that can make me a better person.
If you can get through the 'this sounds like it was written by a stoned flower child'. Still, worth reading if you have the time.
I don't want to move out of the bedroom. A) only the couch is an option and B) if she wants to leave, she can move out the bedroom.
I think it is much more of a stressful situation for her, I have never had problems sleeping.....things that are bothering her definitely keep her up. So maybe putting her in a stressful situation is bad for R, but I don't think making myself uncomfortable to ease her emotions is necessarily a good thing for me either.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
It certainly is nerve racking Kgirl! I go to IC and discuss the parameters of DB'ing and she isn't familiar with it. Once explained, she seems to get the concept of how it works. Not sure she 100% agrees with it but she is smart enough to not dismiss it as she doesn't know the subject.
Perhaps today my wife isn't irritated with my presence. Perhaps she is off being sneaky! Looking on her iphone for ways to poison her husband and get away with it Perhaps looking for legal ways to get me kicked out of the house..... Perhaps texting with her friends about how i am such a lame spouse and egads how she is done! Or maybe she has totally changed her mind and looking for venues in which we can renew our vows
See, speculation, presumption, concerning myself with her mind set, gets me all over the chart. And to boot, I bet none of those ideas are really what she is thinking. More proof of how detaching is required..........
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Perhaps looking for legal ways to get me kicked out of the house..... Perhaps texting with her friends about how i am such a lame spouse and egads how she is done! Or maybe she has totally changed her mind and looking for venues in which we can renew our vows