PatientMan - 6th Edition - Acting Divorced

[melissag]

I don't like meeting new people. The typical response to that here is that I should "grow" and "learn" and "step outside my comfort zone" and whatnot, but I also don't like pineapples. I'm not going to force-feed myself pineapples when I know I don't like them. Can I "grow" and "learn" to start liking pineapples?

I keep a very small number of people inside my circle of trust. But I'm extremely caring, loving, and loyal to those people, and then it hurts really bad when one of those people checks out of the circle. I'm just not wired in a way to have casual relationships. They don't do anything for me.

Neither do pineapples.

-PM

I see where you are going with this, but I think pineapples are a poor analogy, because it is reasonable to assume that eating or not eating pineapples isn't affecting your life in any meaningful way.

A more appropriate analogy would be if you were diabetic, and you decided you didn't like taking insulin. Or if you were overweight and decided you didn't like to exercise. Because by refusing to try, you are harming yourself.

What if there was a zombie apocalypse, and in the end, the only things left on earth to eat were moldy cheese and pineapples? Would you keep eating the moldy cheese, even if it made you sick day after day? That's what you are choosing right now. Maybe, just maybe, if you tried to eat pineapples, you might find that they aren't that bad after all. Maybe you would find a really nice juicy sweet pineapple! Maybe you would drink a tropical drink out of a carved out pineapple, on the beach in Bora Bora. Oh, no. You won't, because you prefer moldy cheese day in and day out.

Look, you don't have to learn and grow. But if you don't, you will stay stuck where you are.

And do you disagree when I say that having your W as your only friend (as you have stated yourself) is keeping you stuck?

It didn't even occur to me until I typed it, but wow, in addition to keeping you stuck, that's a big burden on your W, isn't it?

[labug]

PM!! Something you and I can agree on.

I'm an introvert and so many people don't understand. For most of my early life I felt branded as having something wrong with me because I didn't want to "mingle". Being in a group of people (more than 2-3) I don't know well [censored] the life right out of me. It's as uncomfortable as being alone is for an extrovert.

Being an introvert is just as normal as being an extrovert.

And PM I apologize if you aren't an introvert.

[planet]

PatientMan

Go out there and meet new people. Who knows what other opportunities that will bring. One thing for sure, it can't be bad. You'll learn something new about yourself.

Take it from an introvert.

[planet]

I'm an introvert and so many people don't understand. For most of my early life I felt branded as having something wrong with me because I didn't want to "mingle". Being in a group of people (more than 2-3) I don't know well [censored] the life right out of me. It's as uncomfortable as being alone is for an extrovert.

Being an introvert is just as normal as being an extrovert

labug,
I'm truly sorry if you feel this way. I agree it's extremely uncomfortable being around people you don't know. Sometimes, it's very difficult to find the right thing to say or even breaking the ice. Nevertheless, it's alright being an introvert.

However, meeting new people have done small wonders for me and I'm glad that I reached out.

[labug]

I'm not sorry I feel that way. I am who I am and I'm happy with that.

I meet new people every day, it's a part of what I do in my job but I enjoy my alone time away from my job.

Sorry for the hijack, PM.

[melissag]

I'm not sorry I feel that way. I am who I am and I'm happy with that.

I meet new people every day, it's a part of what I do in my job but I enjoy my alone time away from my job.

labug, you seem satisfied with your life.

PM has said on a number of occasions that breaking the addiction to his W is extremely difficult, at least partially due to the fact that she is his only friend.

PM, nobody here is telling you what to do or who you should be. Hey, we all understand the idea of taking an emotional beatdown in the hope of saving (or rekindling) our Ms. Only you can decide whether/when you have had enough. I just hope that decision isn't blurred by the fact that there is nothing behind door #2. You are obviously super smart, a great Dad, and you care about other people. It is hard to read your posts when you are really struggling because you don't deserve to feel this way.

(And by the way, labug, I love that you continue to comment on PM's thread even though this is the first thing you have found to agree with him on. )

[PatientMan]

I have a few other friends, but they're all married and living that life, so it's hard to bond further/closer. I've met a few people while GAL'ing, but it just isn't the same. What I realize I've always been looking for is that one person to share my life with. Whether it was a best friend growing up, or my XW for pretty much my entire adult life.

And as I said before, casual relationships just don't do much for me - they don't give me that connection I'm looking for. And so those types of relationships almost feel like a waste of time for me.

I'm certainly more of an introvert, but I'm not nervous or anxious in larger social settings, I just much rather enjoy a smaller setting with just a few people where I feel like I can connect better.

In larger settings there are always the center of attention types that take over so I kind of mentally check out in the contributing department. I'm just not that interested in competing with those louder, center of attention types, and I'm quiet by nature anyway. I've always been more of an observer and listener. Very calculated.

I'm not "uncomfortable" in the larger settings. I'm an excellent public speaker. As a calculated observer type, perhaps the larger settings give me more information to take in and process, so maybe I feel like I'm working more instead of enjoying it. Just thinking out loud as this comes to me.

I also don't use the term "friend" loosely, so perhaps some semantics are at play here. My wife being my only friend isn't completely true, but she's the only one I spend/spent good, quality, bonding, one-on-one time with.

And because I'm so selective about who I let in my little circle of trust, I'm averse to putting myself out there a whole lot for people who aren't likely to make the cut - back to that waste of time/energy feeling.

I suppose this brings me to the point where I have to decide to learn and grow to help myself along in this process, and I don't know if I want to or need to change that part of myself. Do I sacrifice who I am to make things easier? I'm not so sure I'm sold on that as a solution.

I guess I should also admit that there's an OW kinda chasing after me. She very attractive and fun to be around, but I just don't feel any sort of spark with her. And sometimes, even though I've been divorced for 7 months, it still feels wrong. That's my value system kicking in and maybe I should be listening to it more.

I know there are some who are all for palette cleansers and getting out there to realize there is life past the failed marriage, but it just doesn't feel right deep down so I think I need to put an end to it.

-PM

[labug]

Interestingly, many introverts are very good public speakers, I am and I enjoy it but it's not interacting with a group, making small talk, bonding. Very different activity.

Being nervous or anxious in large setting isn't a hallmark of an introvert. I can have a great time in those settings, for a while, then I'm done and need to go home. Too much time there and it, as I said before, suxx the life right out of me.

I would be happy if no one ever called me on the phone again, but texting is fine.

I have 3 people I consider good friends and lots of acquaintances. I don't spend lots of time with any of them. I'm good with that.

Probably more about me than you need to know but I found it so freeing when I recognized that I'm OK just the way I am. I quit trying to be what I wasn't.

PM, you'll know when you're ready to let someone else into your circle. You're not ready yet.

[PatientMan]

Probably more about me than you need to know but I found it so freeing when I recognized that I'm OK just the way I am. I quit trying to be what I wasn't.

PM, you'll know when you're ready to let someone else into your circle. You're not ready yet.

I don't think so either. Thanks for sharing.

-PM

[PatientMan]

Well...XW is kind of reverting back to pre-holiday behavior. Not quite as much as she was, but I dropped the girls off yesterday after my weekend with them and she was just acting different (good) again.

It's so confusing, and I'm pretty sure the response here is going to be that the boundaries are in place to protect *me*, so I need to ensure they're enforced.

The confusing thing is the mixed signals. She's trying so hard to make it on her own, and she isn't successfully accomplishing that right now - at the very least, financially.

And based on her massaging of the boundaries we established just two weeks ago my GUESS is that she is not doing well emotionally either and is reverting back to her old ways of coping: the occasional hit off of the PatientMan bong to dull the pain for a little while.

So, what happened yesterday:

1) She had some vehicles pulled up on her laptop (she is looking for a less expensive car payment) and asked me to look at them as she values my input on that kind of thing. Her laptop was on the coffee table, so I sat down next to her. About 3 minutes in I realized that both of our legs were touching quite a bit. I don't think either one of us did it intentionally, but I noticed and pointed it out. She said she didn't notice it either and asked if it bothered me. I said, "no it's fine...I just think it's odd/interesting that this is what naturally happens when we sit next to each other."

2) I was saying goodbye to the girls individually, and they were upset, especially D10. XW asked me to stick around for a while. (Her boundary of not wanting me in the house much to establish that as her space; my boundary of not hanging out with her.)

3) She asked for another hug. Added in the step up onto my boots thing she likes to do.

So...

Obviously I am confused. The boundaries she was so sure of just two weeks ago she - I wouldn't say isn't disrespecting - I would say she has found she doesn't like them. To slip into mind-reading and conjecture:

1) She's just having a hard time and slipping back into her old habits of coping. However, using a previous metaphor, as the waves of her behavior come in near me then recede over time, the trend is that the tide is coming in.

2) She has said that she cannot move forward in a MR with me until she is okay on her own. This is the "blueprint" I have spoken about before, almost as though she is telling me that she knows she wants me, but has to deal with fixing herself first. And if I'm just patient and help her get there, THEN we can move forward.

3) I'm just a familiar coping mechanism. She isn't looking for anyone else right now, but if someone else comes along or she begins to look, she'll drop me like a sack of potatoes.

4) Unknown

People who are in love sometimes blind themselves to certain things that are obvious to others, but I very highly doubt it's #3. And that isn't to say that over time, #3 couldn't happen. Some great guy could meet her and sweep her off of her feet, and without the baggage it could be a very attractive option for her.

So these boundaries that are set up to protect me...I think it's obvious to anyone who follows along with me that it is my head doing the leading here now. I was really hurt when she pushed away this last time over Christmas, and my head and heart were in tandem for a little while, but now the boundaries are my head telling me I need to do these things so I can fall OUT of love with her and stop getting hurt.

But that isn't what my heart wants.

I don't want to live my life with regret (I have enough of those), and if I give up...if I quit just so I can feel better...I am positive that's something I'm going to end up regretting.

Continuing to stand for 2+ years led to a lot of heartache and heartbreak. If I choose to continue to stand, I can keep going through this or I can try and figure out a way to protect myself better...keep the gloves up to protect my heart. For 15 years she's had me by the ventricles.

I'm a smart guy, and you're all smart people looking at this sitch objectively. How do I continue to do this dance with her and still protect myself?

Looking back, I let my guard down without even knowing it. In fact, sometimes I am convinced my guard is still up and I learn the hard way that it very much isn't.

I guess my next question is, am I too focused on her and her well-being? I want her to be okay...not for me, just for her. She's the mother of my children and she needs to be okay regardless of our future.

She tells me she needs space so I give it to her, and then she can't seem to stand it so she closes the gap. Should I enforce the gap, or welcome the closing in?

My world isn't spinning or anything, I am just uncertain about how to deal with this present situation. There isn't a whole lot I am uncertain about, so it's an odd feeling.

While all this is going around in my brain I am focusing mostly on the kids and showing her a PMA when I see her.

-PM