Here We Go!

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Well, if the 1% would stick... I really would rather W just say she can't commit, and she needs to process things, than to make these 100% committed statements, and blow them up. I thought I was past the roller-

Jon,

I read this the other night and I have been trying to think of the best way to explain how I was feeling when I had an A and then did the same thing to my H . I am going to lay it all out the way I felt when I was going through it. Some of it may sound like justification of the A and blaming my H but in the end I hope it will be clear I don't feel that way. I hope you will be able to see my thought process and why your W may be doing this. And I apologize because I have no short way of explaining it.

I spent many years alone in my M. H worked a lot and when he wasn't at work he was watching/reading about/listening to sports. We rarely had an extra dime to do things together because our business was struggling and we were traveling out of state almost weekly for medical care for our son. We mistakenly did not spend time together because 'we couldn't afford it, we were busy with the kids, we worked too much, we traveled too much'. I started working nights and our 'tv dates' fell by the wayside. Now we were really distant, I was very unhappy and I kept asking H to spend time together, come to bed when I did, have more sex, etc. He didn't and I felt like I didn't matter and that I was unloved. He regularly said he wanted a divorce. When I told him other people found me attractive he said 'go be with someone else'. I honestly believed my H didn't care about me or what I did and that we were together only because we didn't have the money to split up. This went on for several years and I was miserable inside. I quit complaining so we would at least get along (like the book says, guys think it is better and women are just fed up) but I felt like I was existing and not living.

I was closing up the bar one night and it was just me and a guy I had known for several years, we were talking and laughing and I was overwhelmed by the urge to kiss him. I didn't. I went home and the next day I begged my H to tell me how he felt about me, I told him he had no idea how important it was and he said "I feel like I don't want to talk about it" and he left the house. The next time I saw OM, I kissed him. Talking, laughing and kissing led to more and more, and then more, and more. I finally felt alive again. I felt happy and loved and like I mattered to someone.

I wanted to leave my M one day and stay the next. After a few months, I ended the A because I knew I wanted my M to work. A few days later H found out about it and the cycle of what you are describing began. I WANTED to work things out. I would say I was committed and I meant it, yet every time something would happen between us, it would feel hopeless. I would mentally and emotionally be back out of the M even though my heart always wanted to be in it. It didn't seem possible it would ever work out. I didn't feel I would ever live down the A and I was exhausted from the whole situation.

Read my story and think about how I felt. It isn't your W's story but I can almost guarantee she has one that is similar in some way. She didn't feel important, she didn't feel loved, she didn't think you cared. Whatever her reasons were, she felt they were true and that you didn't care about her. Maybe she felt the way I did - that my H wouldn't care if I was with someone else because he didn't want to be with me.

Now, imagine feeling that way for however long she did, and doing whatever you could to change it until you become so tired and hopeless that you quit trying. (Read MWD's description of a WAW again) You feel your S doesn't care about you, doesn't love you, doesn't want to be with you and out of desperation/loneliness/sadness/whatever you make the terrible decision to have an A. Then, when your S finds out, YOU are the horrible one. YOU have made the worst mistake ever. YOU have done something that shouldn't be done to anyone. YOU have hurt that person so deeply they may not recover, and therefore your marriage may not recover. YOU may not even deserve another chance at their love. YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON. YOU ARE A WHORE. YOU ARE A (FILL IN THE BLANK).

Now, this M that was going so horribly wrong to start with (and you thought was the other persons fault), is ALL your fault. YOU have to fix it, ON YOUR OWN, and while you're at it, it's up to YOU to prove to me I can trust you. YOU have to make me feel safe. YOU have to tell me where you are and what you are doing every minute. YOU have to give up those news friends. YOU have to make it up to me and whatever you do may not be good enough, I'm not sure I can forgive you. And MY behavior? Well, we don't even need to discuss that because YOU had an A so there isn't anything I did that comes even remotely close to that, I would NEVER have an A.

The person who was so hurt/lonely/sad/unloved that they had an A to start with now has to bear the entire burden of this mess and do all of the cleaning up on their own. For me, I knew I didn't want a divorce but I really wasn't sure I wanted back in. I had felt unloved for years, why would I want that back? At the same time, I loved my H and didn't want a divorce for us or our children. For someone who doesn't have DB and DR to lean on, this is even more of a nightmare. (These words don't even need to be verbalized, a lot of it can be felt by the cheater by the look in your eyes, your body language, your actions, etc.)

Your wife (most likely) isn't trying to deceive you, hurt you more, play games - she is confused. She wanted out because of whatever pain she was in (or at least wanted that pain to go away) and then when an A is discovered, everything focuses on the A and the cheater and not at all on the series of events that led to a M being so broken an A could happen. It is overwhelming to be in this position and you are trying to sort out your feelings quietly because you can't discuss your confusion of a should you stay, should you go, I really want to stay but can it really work, etc, with your S. You have already hurt them so bad you have to show them you know exactly what you want or they may leave and/or be hurt even more. In addition, you don't want to bring up all of the stuff they did before your A because not only have you hurt them so bad, but, hey, sorry S, YOU had an A and that trumps anything I ever did wrong so don't you dare try to talk about my mistakes, NONE OF THIS IS MY FAULT.

Can you try to understand all that goes on in the mind, heart and emotions of the one who made the worst decision of their life? It is a lot, it is confusing, and, secretly, you probably still think it's their fault you had an A in the first place (unless you have a great counselor or DB/DR).

It wasn't until H and I quit talking about everything and were going to divorce that I found this site, the books and was able to sit back, stop justifying and really understand that the A was my decision. Yes, H had done a lot wrong but so had I during that time. No, he wasn't responding to my requests to change things but not because he didn't care, because he was having his own experience of our M and his own way of handling it. I just couldn't see that then - and even if I did, I don't believe it would have changed all of the emotions I went through, my frustration and despair at the fact that it felt as if our M didn't go bad until I had an A, etc.

An A isn't a tough thing to recover from for just the person cheated on, it is a tough thing for the cheater, too. I had to face the pain I had caused my H, I had to face myself because I previously had been someone who judged people who had A's and now I was one of those people. There is a lot your W needs to work through and she has to do it with your support and love.

I know you say you have forgiven the A. I can't say what you have done or haven't done. I can say that some of your posts appear that while you may feel you have forgiven it, there is a residual anger there. Understandably - it hasn't been that long and their is a great deal of pain that comes with an A. Even if you aren't angry, I can't imagine the hurt and pain could be gone already. Even if you don't express it, it could be that your W is feeling and/or seeing this underlying anger or pain and is responding to it. Maybe she is still trying to figure out how to make this work, how she can come back to the M she wants and still keep the happiness she rediscovered during her lapse of judgement.

There are many things at play here. It may not be that she can't commit, it may be that she is afraid that all of her efforts will leave her empty handed or back in the old M.

The new you has to be sure to be supportive, not condescending, not holding the A over her head, not glossing over the A either, etc.

It takes a lot of work on both of your parts and a lot of time and effort to put a M back together.