Reaching out for support and advice 2

[bluesgal]

I'm wondering if my 'detaching' is me saying goodbye to this relationship. I catch myself thinking that I do not love the man my H has become. I do not want to be with someone who seems incapable of working through their problems. I don't want to be with someone who easily lies and cheats on me.

I know, I know-he's in a bad place, blah, blah, blah. I feel so worn out. So tired of this sitch that I think about him/it less often all the time. I find myself being happier when he's gone. I fantasize about ending this whole nightmare.

This is obviously not 'lovingly detaching'. Is this part of the process or am I on my way out?

[labug]

Why isn't it lovingly detaching?

You may be saying goodbye and that's OK. Only you know when you're done.

You get to decide what your dealbreakers are.

[bluesgal]

Deep breath and relief. Thanks Labug. Yes, I suppose that can be lovingly detaching.

I just no longer feel responsible for H decisions. He can own them and I will continue to grow.

I wish I felt warmer towards him. I find it tough to act smiley/nice around him, but I'll give it time.

When I reflect, I really have created a life of my own and he has little to do with it. It is an eye opener to the progress I've made. I no longer wait around for him to come home and plan stuff to purposely put us together. Nope. I'm working on identifying and moving past my fears. That is tough work. I know what I don't want to face....

[juliegayle]

"I no longer feel responsible for H decisions"

Blues that is great progress because you are NOT responsible for his decisions and actions nor are you the reason.

I think it is perfectly normal to not have warm fuzzies for your H. I still love the man I married and hope that he will one day see that he can work to be a better person (like I am doing) but I certainly do not have feelings for the scruffy dirty alien living in my house.

I think part of why we are going the dbing route is so that we can get strong and live a life of your choosing. If he eventually wants back in you can decide and know that you will be just fine either way.

[bluesgal]

Well, I've made some progress lately, just to set myself back a lot.

As I detach from and dislike who my H is more and more, things get better between us.

Problem: I've been having expectations without realizing it. Example: We went out to eat on Saturday night with friends for dinner club. Had a great time. I asked my H how his steak was and he said delicious. Here's the problem: In the past, he would have offered me some and I'd have done the same. I was disappointed. (Didn't show it) The same happened when all of us girls were wearing our tall boots with heels out in the snow to go the the bar next door. All the H helped their wives by holding their elbows. Mine did only once I actually slipped. In the past, he would have been the first to have helped me. In the past I would have been the first to not appreciate it, too

My big problem comes when these expectations that believe it or not, I didn't even realize I had, build up.

2x4 moment: The next day I engaged H in R talk ugh! Then even worse, I hit my breaking point as H was spewing anger and I acted out physically. I don't want to go into details as I am not proud, but we are no longer on speaking terms. H is spewing more anger than ever and I gave him every reason to. I went to C appt today and she was sympathetic. I've never acted in this manner before. Ever. She believes I never will again based on my shame and remorse. I didn't know things would get this bad. My behavior was awful. I officially feel like this has been irreparable damage. Who behaves like that? Oy, what has become of me?

[paul19510]

Blue, try to forgive yourself. Stay away from H for a bit until things cool down. you right, things should not get physical.

[melissag]

Blues, it's hard to let go of those little things . . . I still have a hard time when I am with H and he doesn't hold my hand in a crowd or help me out of the car or the things he used to do. (Particularly when you are there with M friends and their Hs are doing those things.) It's not necessarily inappropriate expectations - it's just something to get used to. Don't beat yourself up about being disappointed.

No 2x4s here, I think you have beaten yourself up enough about getting physical with your H. It sounds like you have a lot of pent up anger toward him - totally understandable. I know it helps to talk about it in IC. I also would suggest (and I am not joking or being facetious here) kickboxing. I go twice a week, along with training in Tae Kwon Do 3x a week, so I have a lot of opportunities to hit and kick things, and let me tell you, it feels GOOD.

Everyone needs to release that rage . . . a friend of mine said she took this giant Nemo stuffed animal into the basement and after the kids were asleep she would just beat the sh!t out of it with a baseball bat, until the stuffing started flying out.

In the first weeks following DB, when H was still in the house, and all that martial arts wasn't even enough, I used to take a basketball outside and whip it at the side of the garage, slam it into the ground as hard as I could, and otherwise abuse the crap out of
it (I had to keep refilling it with air, LOL!).

I also once REALLY wanted to break all the plates in the house, but was deterred by the prospect of cleaning all that up, so instead I took the bucket of ice from the freezer and slammed it into the concrete patio. That was kind of fun.

(I hope anyone reading this doesn't think I am psycho . . . hehe.)

It helps. Get rid of your rage in an acceptable manner so you don't have to worry about losing it with your H again. You lost it once, you feel badly, you know it won't happen again - now let it go and move on.

(((Blues)))

[bluesgal]

Thanks for the encouragement. I have NEVER done anything like that before. I would consider it the lowest point in my life. Yuck.

I have never really been an angry person before. Never had a temper. Never 'lost it'. Other than maybe a slammed door or verbal argument, I've never had an issue with anger and could never understand people that did. I guess now I understand when people talk about outlets for anger.

M-Yes, I need to get back to kickboxing. Problem is, I have been sick on and off for over a month. I normally don't get sick, so I know my stress level is eating me alive.

As I look back on my sitch, DB was a lot easier before I found out about the affair. Since then, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster. I can't seem to find that peace to not be angry at my H deceit and lies.

My H idea of how to go on with our lives is to live under the same roof and coparent while avoiding eachother for ? length of time. He'll say "You nevermind what I do and I'll nevermind what you do". Hey genious, this is what we've been doing since June, how's that working for us?

H has also said things like "I think there's been too much damage. I don't know where we would begin to fix this"

[bluesgal]

H told me he wants 'out' tonight. Meaning Divorce even though he can't even say the words. He was emotional and upset. He says all of my changes show with my relationships with others, but I still treat him badly and that's never going to change. Ugh!

He still has awful things to say about me and never misses a chance to put me down. He asked for a written list of our finances etc.

My life is swirling down the toilet.

[melissag]

Oh, blues. ((( ))) I've gotta run to get dinner with my kiddos, but I wanted to at least post a quick reply.

I am sorry.

Feel your feelings, cry, be sad, this is a huge loss and it is hard.

And when you are done, remember . . . your life is not swirling down the toilet.

Like you said to me, you have your changes and you have your kids - those are for YOU!

He still has awful things to say about me and never misses a chance to put me down.

Why do you want to be M to this?

Your H has some growing to do, Blues.

If you go back and read through the last few pages of my last thread, I bet you will find some great advice that applies to your sitch as well.

Hang in there . . . we all have your back!!