separated 6 weeks still on the journey

[paul19510]

Journaling: my detachment journey is continuing. I feel less concerned with W's whereabouts today. I had little feelings about it last night, but worked through it. I know that my D's go out to a country line dancing all ages night. I didn't ask if she was there too. Sometimes she would go with them. they didn't mention it and I didn't ask.

Still remembering some of the things that happened. its not holding a grudge per se, but being realistic about what was happening in the M. I did gloss over a lot. I was kind of pining away for what "I wanted her to be" not what she actually was/is.

example: when my Brother died I was with him at the bedside. I traveling cross country from PA to CA to be with him when his partner called to say he was dying. I did this on behalf of all my family. I am the youngest of 9 kids. I held his hand while he died. It was very painful but uplifting to give my B that. I texted frequently with W during the 5 days. I was surprised how warm she was being.

In the moments after he died I called W right away and was crying. I said, this left a mark on me and I just need some time to heal. it would be nice when I get home to see you and just share a warm meal. I haven't eaten or slept properly in days...and I'm emotionally raw....I'd really love to sit with you for a little and just be held for a while...I've helped everybody else, I just would like a little TLC to help me..."

When I arrived home on Sunday, she stayed awake for about an hour with me and watched TV. I ate cereal for dinner. The following 6 nights she went out every night with friends to "do things" 2 nights at the bar with co workers a night with her horse friends and a night of country line dancing. followed by other events I can't even remember.

On Thursday of that week, my FIL called while W was out dancing. He asked how I was and began to ask how life had been recently. Very matter-of-fact. I asked him if he knew that I had been to CA that week and that my B had just died with me attending to him. he had NO IDEA. he was completely and utterly embarrassed. She never mentioned that I had gone to be with him or told her family that he died...She did tell them of all of her barn work that week and how her horses where. they knew all about that stuff.

Despite my asking to get something to eat with her by the following weekend, she told me she'd have to see what time she could find. We never went.

i'm not saying this as though to hold a grudge, but I must remember that this is the level of rejection I saw in the M. and it was frequent. I really need to step back from her. Is this person really going to step up and do something different? I am changing and remembering to have pride in myself and confidence.

That might be those in this forums that would say..."well you must have done something wrong o be treated this way..." the short answer o that is no. I wouldn't have treated anyone this way unless I really didn't care for them....Just saying.

[Underdog]

Paul,

Thanks for sharing that vulnerable post. It made me want to tear up here at work. Hugs.

I was kind of pining away for what "I wanted her to be" not what she actually was/is.

Paul, I think most (if not all) of us here feel/felt this way. I wonder why we condition ourselves to do this? I'm coming back to this in a second...

That might be those in this forums that would say..."well you must have done something wrong o be treated this way..."

Well, not me, and I'm guessing most folks here wouldn't say that. Or feel it either. The simple fact is that you told your W what you needed from her. In a true, loving and giving R, our spouses want to help us, and would gladly give us what we need when asked. You didn't expect her to read your mind: you asked for what you needed straight up. And she refused.

And not only that, something must be really wrong with her compassion chip. She talked about horses and not you to her dad. We could judge her and call her out here, but I think there's more to it than just blanket statements. So let's finish here:

I wouldn't have treated anyone this way unless I really didn't care for them....Just saying.

Again, I think most of us here feel this way, even if it's a new thing for us. And again, I think it would be really easy to sit here and say that your W is a cold hearted, selfish and self absorbed person. That may be true. But what might also be true is that she just doesn't *know* how to be more to anyone. And just maybe she's like my XH, who was conditioned to punishing people who didn't mind read what he needed. I honestly don't know and maybe you don't either.

For sure, her actions sound hurtful. I can't begin to imagine losing a sibling - that must have been so painful for you. And then for the one person you expect to have your back turn hers? Amazing. In a bad way, that is.

Now that you have this insight, maybe you'll be more open minded about "what is" instead of "what you want her/it to be"? I think we all get this lesson shoved in front of us at some point. In my case, my XH had me on a pedestal. The moment he realized that I was human, imperfect, and hurt him was the same moment he knocked me off and made me pay for not being the person he wanted me to be. It's grossly unfair.

But then again, what part of this process is fair? And why did we expect it to be?

The point is, you're a good guy who is willing to walk the walk. That's all you can be. Keep trying to clean up your side and you will win no matter what.

Keep the faith!

Betsey

[paul19510]

Thanks! I just want to feel worth something again. This M left a mark on me. I am cleaning up my side of it and owning things. Even though I asked her to join me in getting help and making this a love to be envied, she declined so far. When I spoke with a friend about this, they eluded to a sense that they had that W felt she could just plug herself back in anytime she wished. As of today I don't agree with that. She has to fight for me too and earn a good M too. I need tonstep back and see if she will. In the meantime, I will continue to visit. With friends and family and make new friends and see where my journey takesnme. If I feel I can no longer hang around and be alone I will evaluate my desire for companionship and act accordingly. I will not break my vows. I'm just not built like that. So, I guess I will cross that bridge another day. I believe rust there are people out there that would have been glad to offer me TLC and a warm meal as I requested above. Why did I settle for what I did? I am worth it. Ideserve to be treated well. If she asks to try that has to be something to consider. Of course I'm dreaming. She already three me away. Right?

[paul19510]

Oh, one thing I am proudnof. Ivenbeen tempted to pull up our phone bill and snoopy. There's. Nothing to see. I'm not even going to. Only possibly hurt myself.

[LITB]

Paul,

All you can do is continuously work on personal growth. That should be the objective no matter our circumstances.

I am concerned about you having to worry about your account. Is it absolutely necessary to continue having your income deposited in a shared account? Is there a way to protect yourself?

Ben

[FloydMan]

Agreed. Separate yourself financially. Only put in your proportionate share of expenses. Separate financially. Believe me, this is the nightmare I am living now. I am out more than $30,000. Basically she stole it, but it was my stupidity and negligence to trust it would be balanced at the end. At the same time I needed to protect my credit and not let bills, mortgage and loans default. She played on this...and she's a friggin bank manager. They don't care. Protect yourself. Separate financially.

[AnotherStander]

I need to post before Betsey because after I read her posts I can rarely think of anything to add Paul, the only other thing I'll say is that your sitch is still very young @ less than 2 months since BD. You expressed concern that your WAS will never change, WAS's do indeed change (and sometimes quite substantially) but it is a VERY slow process. They are about a year behind the LBS on the timeline, the LBS is usually almost done with their marathon of healing/ rebuilding by the time the WAS puts their shoes on and steps up to the starting line. That's why so many M's never reconcile, because the LBS has moved on by the time the WAS starts owning their issues.

So be patient with her and with yourself, focus on you and the kids and leave your W to her journey. Keeping making yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave.

[paul19510]

I just got a belated Xmas gift from my IL. That was very kind. I wrote to thank them. My FIL also invited me for a night out of college wrestling at lehigh university with myBIL too. I bate what this stuff does to all of the connections.

My D16 asked me again about looking for a car for her in the spring. I told her we're. Working on it. I told her all is still up in the air so I have to work carefully with finances douse to maintaining 2 places to live right now. More ripples in the pond. Wish my WAS would get her head out of her backside.

[paul19510]

There's nothing liquid that she can take. The joint operating account is very low, any other moneys are in my name so no raiding. That's all good. Really hoping she gets her act together. Feeling tired of this stuff this afternoon.

[paul19510]

Hi ben, the righteous indignation part is starting to sink in. I really wish shenwoulddnt even come around. I don't like hear her truck idling in my driveway. She just pulls away without talking anyway. She basically blew me off for a lot the M and I hung in there anyway. I kept thinking if I were just a better guy she'd. Love me. I kept buying more junk with her, barns horses trucks and trailers. It'd sooth her for a while then shed go back to being cold. If you read no more mister nice guy you see that this practice unknowingly is passive manipulation.

....if I give you all this stuff you'll. Love me and my life will be wonderful. This creates resentment and disrespect instead. Now when I try to set limits she acts like angry child. I made a real mess. Its not that she
wasn't cold...she is. but, I also didn't manage my R with her in a productive way.