separated 6 weeks still on the journey

[Underdog]

Paul,

Thanks for sharing that vulnerable post. It made me want to tear up here at work. Hugs.

I was kind of pining away for what "I wanted her to be" not what she actually was/is.

Paul, I think most (if not all) of us here feel/felt this way. I wonder why we condition ourselves to do this? I'm coming back to this in a second...

That might be those in this forums that would say..."well you must have done something wrong o be treated this way..."

Well, not me, and I'm guessing most folks here wouldn't say that. Or feel it either. The simple fact is that you told your W what you needed from her. In a true, loving and giving R, our spouses want to help us, and would gladly give us what we need when asked. You didn't expect her to read your mind: you asked for what you needed straight up. And she refused.

And not only that, something must be really wrong with her compassion chip. She talked about horses and not you to her dad. We could judge her and call her out here, but I think there's more to it than just blanket statements. So let's finish here:

I wouldn't have treated anyone this way unless I really didn't care for them....Just saying.

Again, I think most of us here feel this way, even if it's a new thing for us. And again, I think it would be really easy to sit here and say that your W is a cold hearted, selfish and self absorbed person. That may be true. But what might also be true is that she just doesn't *know* how to be more to anyone. And just maybe she's like my XH, who was conditioned to punishing people who didn't mind read what he needed. I honestly don't know and maybe you don't either.

For sure, her actions sound hurtful. I can't begin to imagine losing a sibling - that must have been so painful for you. And then for the one person you expect to have your back turn hers? Amazing. In a bad way, that is.

Now that you have this insight, maybe you'll be more open minded about "what is" instead of "what you want her/it to be"? I think we all get this lesson shoved in front of us at some point. In my case, my XH had me on a pedestal. The moment he realized that I was human, imperfect, and hurt him was the same moment he knocked me off and made me pay for not being the person he wanted me to be. It's grossly unfair.

But then again, what part of this process is fair? And why did we expect it to be?

The point is, you're a good guy who is willing to walk the walk. That's all you can be. Keep trying to clean up your side and you will win no matter what.

Keep the faith!

Betsey