I have been thinking a lot about my M after reading Melissa's post yesterday about living in a M without emotional support. For the past couple of years, H was not there for me emotionally. He was often dismissive or turned everything back around on me to make me feel like the bad person. I know that this is because H believed that I was attacking him and because he is unable to take criticism. I was so desperate to feel loved and understood the last couple of years. It lead to a SSM, each of us refusing to give the other person what they needed the most.
Yet, the hardest thing to process is that H had an EA with OW. H gave the OW the exact thing that I desperately needed. How was H capable of meeting the OW emotional needs when he was never capable or willing to meet mine? Does he just love her more? Does she ask in a way that I had not previously asked?
My H has said that he wanted to help the OW in her time of need. She would call drunk and sobbing. He would talk to her for HOURS (H cant even talk for longer than 10 minutes with me). He would make up excuses to leave our house and meet her to provide emotional support. H swears up and down that it was not physical. I honestly think that it would hurt less if he just had a PA because it would make sense since we had a SSM. The fact that H gave the OW what I had begged him for just about destroys me. Maybe it was a PA and his needs were getting met, so he provided the emotional support. I don't know.
I am just so tired of his insensitivity and his selfishness. H called this morning to talk about logistics for when I was out of town. I was talking about getting the house ready before I left and packing and H jokingly said "You better back up all of your boyfriend's things and hide then so I don't see them." I know that he is joking, but it hurt. I am not ready to joke about us have a GF/BF. I don't know if I will ever get there. I just find it insensitive because H knows that I don't want this. I wound up calling him back and told him that while I knew he was joking, it hurts and I would appreciate if he not joke about this.
Is this really all just a huge JOKE to H? H just does not care about what this is doing to me or our kids. S5 cried again last night asking over and over again why his mommy and daddy cant be with him at the same time.
I am hurting. I feel like something needs to change, but I am not sure what. My plan right now is to think about what I want between now and when I return from my trip.
