Wife Said She's Done - Pt. 2 ..and Still Hopeful

[labug]

Did you leave the site up on the computer at some time? I would guess had she been reading a lot she would have said more. But maybe not.

Change your screen name and make something not so close to your name.

You can't do anything about what she might have read. That's the part you let go. It is what it is.

[OneDay]

Did you leave the site up on the computer at some time? I would guess had she been reading a lot she would have said more. But maybe not.

I'm not sure but I don't think so. I've only used my home computer a few times. Like u said it's too late now and nothing I can do anyway

On a different note. WAW had a super rant on me last night. She told me that everything is my fault and how i do everything wrong. How everything from dirty dishes to leaving the toilet seat up is my fault. There was much more but It was basically an I, I, I and you don't or ur not rant. Basically I can't do enough or on time or right. She kept going and going and nothing I said mattered. I was getting angry, because none of it was true, but didn't let it show. I ended up tell her that she needs to take a long look in the mirror then said I'm done with this conversation and I'm going for a walk, run or something and I'll b back later.

When I returned she came up to me an apologized about putting the entire blame on me. She admitted to having a lot of built up resentment towards me and she's trying to forgive me. She also said she's keeping score as to who does what around the house and she hates that about herself but can't help it. She admitted that I'm not solely to blame and that she has issues too.

After hearing that I realized she has always done that. Always kept score and no matter what was done it was never good enough or the way or at the time she wanted it done and it bothered her greatly.

It really stinks knowing this and I can tell you it's a lose, lose for me. This is something she has to work through.

[labug]

You both keep score, you just do it silently.

Again, I don't see this convo as all bad. She apologized for what she did. That's doesn't happen much around here from the WAS.

She realizes she has an issue, she just doesn't know how to fix it. She may figure it out, she may not.

Why is it lose/lose for you?

[OneDay]

I don't know Labug, I've just been so down on myself lately. I guess its not a lose/lose. I should take it as a positive that she noticed the problem and communicated it to me.

To be honest with everyone here, Im not taking this well at all. I really dont know what Im going to do without her. I had the sweetest, prettiest, most kind woman ever and I pushed her away. I wanted to do, what I wanted to do, and still have her be there for me. I was very selfish in that aspect. I should have paid more attention to her, actually been there for her, and cared more deeply about her than what I did. I took her for granted. I thought I already had her and that I didn't have to fight for her anymore. I now know I needed to fight for her everyday, emotionally and spiritually. I didn't do either of those often enough.

I want to be there for her now, I am willing to do whatever it takes, but she has built her wall so high, that it doesn't matter what I do. I want more than anything to have another chance.(and I want it to happen now) I know everyone says this is a marathon not a sprint, but I cant help feeling the way I do. Every time I get a text from her (which isnt often) Im hoping its going to say "hey I dont want this Divorce, can we talk" . Or something to that effect.

I now know, that she has thought about getting a divorce for along time, without my knowledge or without me noticing the signs. I hate the fact that she has put up this huge wall, that her heart is done and she is a completely different person. I wish she would let me in, just a little bit.

Its hard enough just to have a conversation with this new person, let alone be upbeat and be someone only a fool would let go. I can say Im trying to be positive, upbeat, caring, understanding and patient etc etc, buts it's really hard for me strike up a conversation with her. Atleast a conversation that's not about me. Once the kids go to bed, we usually do our own thing, in separate rooms. We dont talk much, I dont talk much and I am fairly short with my answers. Maybe I should try something different and see how that works. Maybe I should talk a bit more, be more open with her.

[PatientMan]

On a different note. WAW had a super rant on me last night. She told me that everything is my fault and how i do everything wrong. How everything from dirty dishes to leaving the toilet seat up is my fault.

To be fair, you probably have to give her that last one.

-PM

[PatientMan]

To be honest with everyone here, Im not taking this well at all. I really dont know what Im going to do without her. I had the sweetest, prettiest, most kind woman ever and I pushed her away. I wanted to do, what I wanted to do, and still have her be there for me. I was very selfish in that aspect. I should have paid more attention to her, actually been there for her, and cared more deeply about her than what I did. I took her for granted. I thought I already had her and that I didn't have to fight for her anymore. I now know I needed to fight for her everyday, emotionally and spiritually. I didn't do either of those often enough.

Just breathe.

And vow not to make the same mistakes again. Whatever happens in the future, you'll be better for it.

-PM

[MrBond]

"I now know, that she has thought about getting a divorce for along time, without my knowledge or without me noticing the signs."

You said your W recommended going back to counseling and then you dismissed her and said she could go on her own. She TOLD you the signs. You just didn't care.

Do something different. Start engaging a bit with her. Slowly talk to her and then slowly increase the time of the conversations. Make them light and about her. Ask her how her day was, etc. Start from there.

[OneDay]

You said your W recommended going back to counseling and then you dismissed her and said she could go on her own. She TOLD you the signs. You just didn't care.
Do something different. Start engaging a bit with her. Slowly talk to her and then slowly increase the time of the conversations. Make them light and about her. Ask her how her day was, etc. Start from there.

Your right I didnt care at the time. I thought she was the one that had issues. ha Why is it when were about to loose something/someone we finally see what will be missed? Did our eyes finally open?

MrBond, I started engaging a bit more last night and it went well. I talked about her only and validated when needed. She had a fun yet tiring day and (I think) she enjoyed sharing it with me. I told her I'm glad she had a great time and I'm sure your whopped. It was short but sweet, and I felt it was a good starting point. Also, I knew she was going to get a shower and after both the boys took theirs, we were just about out of hot water, so I offered it to her, before myself, and she gladly accepted.

One more thing! I hate ending my post with something negative, but Its been bothering me for a few days now and wanted to get some opinions.

WAW is not very happy with current living arrangements and hasn't been since I moved back. It's my pre-marital home and her attorney told her it would be best if she stayed. (I'm guess for legality purposes) I also don't think she could afford a place on her own, so maybe she feels stuck. She "appears" happy for the most part "probably for the boys" but also acts short, and a bit rude with me. She has mentioned before its like living in limbo and She doesn't feel she has any privacy in her own home. (we dont have a huge house). Her and I are mentally exhausted at the end of the day. It almost feels like we're counter DBing each other.

She told me these thing during a rant so I really didn't get a word in edge wise, I just let her rant. Do you guys think I should bring up the topic again? Not that I want her to move out, but I thought it might be a good thing to discuss with her.

Any Thoughts?

[PatientMan]

What is there to discuss? It sounds like there is currently nothing that can be done, so I would leave it alone.

-PM

[OneDay]

What is there to discuss? It sounds like there is currently nothing that can be done, so I would leave it alone.-PM

I guess nothing. My mind was more in the fix it (husband) mode.

On a side note I've been engaging her a bit more the last 2 days and it's going well. Just talking and asking questions about her, her day, the gym. Nothing serious Just casual conversation and I'm keeping it all about her. I also end it first and on a positive note. Its only been two days but I've noticed she hasn't been as short or annoyed with me.

I've been very positive lately and it feels great. Even when I'm not feeling it or she or the boys are being negative I immediately turn it around and start being positive. It's tough sometimes but I'm trying to live positive in the hear and now In the moment.

I mean this is it, right now, this is life, it's happening and I want to be a part of it.

The power of positive. I'm liking it.