I am done with trying to remember how he was, what was good, what I loved and why.
He is a selfish, egotistical, cruel man .. someone who I would never spend any time with let alone marry. if that man stays around then i don't want to be married to him.
I am tired of looking forward to talking with him or seeing him and then being smacked down because he comes with his agenda and is angry and irritable. I am tired of this scewing with my life, not being able to make decisions because I don't know how my life looks. Sure I have my own life but moving across the country needs some planning and at the moment I can't. If we live together I move, if we don't thenI stay here.. so the ball is back in his court and he can't remember what I say from one conversation to the next and then he makes up things- the things he wishes I said.
I am tired with being made to feel guilty though I know it was not all my fault.
thanks Julie.. It is more than just angry though..
I think I am mostly done with caring about him.. I used to feel sorry for him, now I am sorry for me.. and if he suffers from his actions- good.If she suffers good. her children will not have it easy.. H does not like children If she thinks it is going to be happy families she will be sadly disappointed..- good. I hope she is miserable..
I think we all go through that at some point in our sitch! It can be incredibly frustrating dealing with a WAS, especially if they're in MLC too. Over time you will learn that he's not going to call and you'll no longer expect it. You'll learn that living alone has its upsides too- lots of time to do those things you never had time for before, way more room to stretch out in bed, you can eat what you want when you want it, etc. Writing journals is good, but defending him? That's not your job. Don't make light of what he's done.
"He will convince himself he is right, that I was always wrong."
They all do that. Even all the WAS's that have reconciled said those things at one time. I remember one WAS said the hardest thing she ever had to do was go back and tell all those people she had spewed venom to that she was wrong and didn't know why she said those things and that her H really was a great guy. She said it was so hard that she almost decided not to reconcile so she could avoid doing it.
"So I am tired of it being my fa5ult."
Well this may sound strange, but GOOD! Because when you get tired of the crap, THAT is when you decide to change things. THAT is when LBS's get serious about GAL and leaving their WAS alone. And that is what you need to do for YOU
I am working on the same place in my separation and AS and 3boyz and labug and LTTb amoung so many others have been amazing in their support. keep moving forward with your life you deserve it.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
moving forward? I wonder what does that look like PMA and G AL for sure works helps exercise helps I am busy but there isalways that shadow.. Guess when the shadow is gone then I am detached...or done..
I would like to say to him I don't and won't see you while you are with the OW. Seems counter productive in that it is controlling. And also not sure I could carry through so could be an idle threat. I have been careful not to back him into a corner or make ultimatums. He claims the affair is a coincidence and he was done with the marriage. I would like to challenge that but understabd challenging and arguing is not useful. This calm accepting person is not me, sure is a 180 but I don't feel true to myself. Yet being true to my self is not goibg to help me towards my goal. When I act as if when he iz here he accuses me of avoiding the issue.
He is stressed and wants it to be all over. Wbile I am working at controlling only me he is not going to be in conntrol of me.
Ahhhh, you sound like me! I'm in a very angry place right now, and it makes me angry that I'm angry!!! Lol
I start Al-anon today. Do you have that near you?
And I have been going to IC and have a DB coach- the affair is not the reason the marriage is in crisis mode right now. It is merely a symptom- it is unacceptable in every way and not an excuse, but it is only a symptom. He will probably realize that at some point.
Hang in there!!!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
I would like to say to him I don't and won't see you while you are with the OW. Seems counter productive in that it is controlling.
I'm confused. How is protecting yourself counterproductive and counterproductive to what?
And how is it controlling?
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And also not sure I could carry through so could be an idle threat.
It's good not to make idle threats but I see what you wrote above as a boundary, there's a difference. It is counterproductive to set boundaries you won't keep. Do you have any boundaries about anything with anyone?
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This calm accepting person is not me, sure is a 180 but I don't feel true to myself.
What does that really mean? When we make changes in our behaviors and thinking, it takes a while for it to feel natural. It also takes a while for the people around us to see that our changes are real and a permanent part of us.
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When I act as if when he iz here he accuses me of avoiding the issue.
What issue?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I just read this little bit in DB. It was about taking your words and changing them to properly correlate your intentions. The clear goals you want to achieve.
It showed that instead of saying 'I don't and won't see you while you are with OW' to better focus on your wants and needs. 'I can not make you do anything, however I can control what my actions are and they are to not disrespect myself by getting caught up in someone else's mess.' It draws a line between your actions and his and what you are accountable for and not coming off as controlling or an ultimatum.
Hope this helps!
_____________________________________________________ Me 32 H 32 D 6 S 4 S 11mth
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Hi lb his strategy is to disappear and leave me alone long enough that I make a life without him and then he never has to face up to his actions. He did it in his last relationship, left town and avoided the woman until she gave up..however they were not married though had been together for 7 years. I knew this story so when he started the same strategy I have not been as easy as she was.. he cannot face conflict, avoids it at all costs and hopes we could divorce without any conflict.. as long az he gets his way.. however that is not what I want. Am I being controlling or am I setting a boundary. I like the idea of using the positive. I will respect myself and only involve myself with you when it is respectful t o us both. My coach has said to maintain a contact..
The issue is separating.. he thinks it could be discussed and decided in 30 minutes. I beleive that is not appropriate and when I feel l I can not discuss anymore I ask for a break, take a walk, movie, dinner and he says I am avoiding. I guess I am avoiding him controlling the agenda and me.. he wants me to agree and agree now.. I am not inclined to.. He is depressed won't get help.. I really don't trust his judgements.. he wants to put our furniture in the dump, give my pure bred pup ( who has saved my sanity these last 4 months) to the animal shelter, sell the house.. not sure what else he has dreamed up.. I don't think it is controlling to look after me! Boundaries.. I am getting better with them. I was someone who never said no.. now I do.. I also will say when I am unhappy. I used to pretend everything was fine then fume about it..I really never neeced boundaries with him...he was a sweet man who looked out for me. We were good friends and gave each other space.. this depression has turned him into someone I don't know. ?. Now I can't trust him, he lies, is dishonest and angry.. boundaries..seems like I have to create a new one each time I see him. The last one was.. he may not take things from the house without telling me.. what a mess !
