separated 6 weeks still on the journey

[paul19510]

Journaling: my detachment journey is continuing. I feel less concerned with W's whereabouts today. I had little feelings about it last night, but worked through it. I know that my D's go out to a country line dancing all ages night. I didn't ask if she was there too. Sometimes she would go with them. they didn't mention it and I didn't ask.

Still remembering some of the things that happened. its not holding a grudge per se, but being realistic about what was happening in the M. I did gloss over a lot. I was kind of pining away for what "I wanted her to be" not what she actually was/is.

example: when my Brother died I was with him at the bedside. I traveling cross country from PA to CA to be with him when his partner called to say he was dying. I did this on behalf of all my family. I am the youngest of 9 kids. I held his hand while he died. It was very painful but uplifting to give my B that. I texted frequently with W during the 5 days. I was surprised how warm she was being.

In the moments after he died I called W right away and was crying. I said, this left a mark on me and I just need some time to heal. it would be nice when I get home to see you and just share a warm meal. I haven't eaten or slept properly in days...and I'm emotionally raw....I'd really love to sit with you for a little and just be held for a while...I've helped everybody else, I just would like a little TLC to help me..."

When I arrived home on Sunday, she stayed awake for about an hour with me and watched TV. I ate cereal for dinner. The following 6 nights she went out every night with friends to "do things" 2 nights at the bar with co workers a night with her horse friends and a night of country line dancing. followed by other events I can't even remember.

On Thursday of that week, my FIL called while W was out dancing. He asked how I was and began to ask how life had been recently. Very matter-of-fact. I asked him if he knew that I had been to CA that week and that my B had just died with me attending to him. he had NO IDEA. he was completely and utterly embarrassed. She never mentioned that I had gone to be with him or told her family that he died...She did tell them of all of her barn work that week and how her horses where. they knew all about that stuff.

Despite my asking to get something to eat with her by the following weekend, she told me she'd have to see what time she could find. We never went.

i'm not saying this as though to hold a grudge, but I must remember that this is the level of rejection I saw in the M. and it was frequent. I really need to step back from her. Is this person really going to step up and do something different? I am changing and remembering to have pride in myself and confidence.

That might be those in this forums that would say..."well you must have done something wrong o be treated this way..." the short answer o that is no. I wouldn't have treated anyone this way unless I really didn't care for them....Just saying.