Wife Said She's Done - Pt. 2 ..and Still Hopeful

[AnotherStander]

It sounds like you handled the convo well. I think that in conversations with your W you should stress that your personal views on pornography and pot do NOT mean you condone either of those for your kids or when you're around your kids. In fact I wouldn't even say what your personal views are, just that you believe the kids should absolutely not ever be exposed to either.

Other than that you did a good job of validating and keeping your temper cool, nice work!

"ONCE again I am feeling this is all my fault and If I would have listen/woken up earlier that this could have been avoided."

It takes two people to break up a marriage. Don't downplay your W's participation in that. Sure you did things wrong, but you have worked to correct your mistakes. YOU are HERE on DB'ing forums, SHE is NOT! She hasn't even begun to recognize her mistakes yet. That will hopefully come with time.

[OneDay]

Thanks AS, I have to keep telling myself it takes two people. Its just feels that its more my fault than hers. I keep thinking about boys and how their world is going to be turned upside down and how they are going to cope. It makes me so sad.

[labug]

I think it was a good conversation. I'm not sure where you wanted it to go but it turned out to be an honest sharing or ideas.

Scott, my H is back and I still have times I cringe when I think of some of my behaviors in the past. I think there's good guilt and bad guilt. Bad guilt is rehashing the same thing over and over, you're stuck.

Good guilt tells us, I screwed up, I need to change this behavior.

Your good guilt, (you know you screwed up and are hopefully using that info to change behavior)is turning into bad guilt because you keep recirculating it. Accept that you're gonna feel this for a while, maybe a little bit of it forever but vow to change and continue working on it so you don't repeat the same mistakes.

You could even say to yourself every time you feel that cringe, "I feel guilty because I _______ but I am changing that" and then let it go. That gets you out of staying stuck in the guilt by focusing on the changes you are making.

[OneDay]

Im sure I know the answer to this, but I have to ask anyway. When or Is there a good time to test the waters with WAW? I would really like to say something as to how I feel to her before this Divorce is finalized. I feel I have to give it a shot, but Im sure im going to get smacked around here. Heres the back story;

As some of you know, my WAW still lives with me (which is good and bad). All in all we get along pretty well. We dont talk alot, but when we do its nice enough and I've even got her to laugh on several occasions. Basically just small talk here and there about the kids, work, dogs, chores, and sometimes about each others workout routines. I've been GAL and trying to detach.

The hardest thing for me is that she has been in FULL BUSINESS mode since filling in Nov. She has however admitted that she's not doing well with all this and even though she appears composed she is just in Business mode. A few other times during our conversations she mention how this whole situation stinks, and how its really going to stink once its all done.

Neither her of I have ever brought up R since I moved back home, but after we split the checking account up I told her closing this account stinks and I really think this whole Divorce stink. She said yes it does, but you deliberately made choices over and over, year after year, that has allowed us to be where we are today. This is now the unfortunate path we are taking. I said all be it late, I would have done several things differently if I knew what I know now. She said I know.

Lastly, she mentioned to me the other day that she has noticed many changes in me. Positive changes in me and with the boys and she thinks its great, BUT, she said she afraid they are not going to last and you will fall back into your old ways again. (I kinda took this a positive)

Other than that nothing major has been said, Just that we both agree us getting a divorce stinks and its going to stink for us and both the boys. She seem very run down and let's large sigh out quite often. She gets tired early in the evening and says she is down right exhausted. (i am too Mentally)

Now I know all the above doesn't seem like much, but Deep down I know this women and I would bet that she does not 100% want to divorce and to split our family. I feel she is afraid that I will go back to my old ways and nothing will ever be different. I can bet you she is SCARED. She is a hard headed women, always has been and once her mind is set, its hard as hell to re-direct it.

I just feel I should say something at some point. Tell her how I feel, tell her that I want to try. Or write something to her, or just ask if we could try again. Something before the divorce is finalized. Im sure I know the answer, I just had to ask.

[labug]

What can you tell her that she doesn't already know?

[PatientMan]

Lastly, she mentioned to me the other day that she has noticed many changes in me. Positive changes in me and with the boys and she thinks its great, BUT, she said she afraid they are not going to last and you will fall back into your old ways again. (I kinda took this a positive)

I won't speak to your desire to "test the waters" and kind of of give it one last shot with your W, but I will tell you that she will believe your changes are real more and more the longer you keep them up. It takes time.

-PM

[AnotherStander]

Just tell her that you would still be interested in working on the marriage, but you understand that she doesn't want that and you will honor her wishes. Basically you're telling her your position while making it clear that you understand and respect hers as well. That's all that needs to be said.

"Lastly, she mentioned to me the other day that she has noticed many changes in me. Positive changes in me and with the boys and she thinks its great, BUT, she said she afraid they are not going to last and you will fall back into your old ways again."

They all think that. It can take a year or more of consistent changed behavior before a WAS starts believing it's real and not just fluff.

"Now I know all the above doesn't seem like much, but Deep down I know this women"

You may know who she used to be, but I doubt you know who she is right now.

"and I would bet that she does not 100% want to divorce and to split our family."

Definitely not 100%, but probably 75%. She's pretty sure. So you have to go with the flow, don't pressure her, don't talk about it. Sometimes if the LBS can remove all the pressure than the WAS will fall back on the 25% "unsureness" and will quit pursuing the D.

"She is a hard headed women, always has been and once her mind is set, its hard as hell to re-direct it."

So is my W. Look at my sig to get an idea of how long you might be at this.

[OneDay]

Uh oh. I think my thread might have been intercepted by WAW. not sure if all has been found out, but some of it for sure She told me and I quote. I saw or printed (couldn't remember) somthing about how I'm being more chatty than normal ands it's kinda strange. She then said I'm not sure who you were writing to and I don't really care. But just thought it was interesting.

I don't know what she actually saw or read. I've only used that computer 2-4 times for posting here and I'm sure to clear all traces when finished. The only thing I can think is if I copied a section of my post to move it and she might have somehow hit pasted it in something she was doing. Either way she knew something and wouldn't full tell me what, nor did I want to pry too hatd

I have more to tell u guys too. She actually gave me a heart felt apology and a bit more. I'll fill you in later after I figure out what to do with the possible WAS Hacker.

Any suggestions?

[labug]

Let it go.

[OneDay]

Let it go.

Really? What if she's still reading it? My screen name is really close to my real name and she would easily know its me.