Am hoping this forum is better then my last. Am really needing some advice/opinions.
H had A and the BD in July 13. Unbeknown to me at the time it was an addiction, a bad one. So bad that he started looking like a junky on drugs, no eating, no sleeping, skinny, dark eyes, etc etc. So although I was under the impression it was over in Sept/Oct/Nov it was actually them still trying to 'sort' out what to do. But I think now it was moreso the fact it was slowly over - the age old 'I love you/I hate you' type endings to bad relationships between him and OW.
OW turned into a monster and dragged me into it all after I had obviously detached myself from 'them'. She wanted to make him pay for his false promises and by that she could send lots of details to me and in turn have me hurt him or get angry to drive him back to her???? whetever the intention I calmly received all the emails and texts that she was willing to hand over and presented them to my H in another very calm but direct approach. He hadn't been able to give me his 'side of the story' so this made it all happen. I got a whole load of his confessions, feelings, apologies and his admitting everything was on him not me. Basically a massive unveil and now pleasantries ever since. Our house is full of 'Sorry's, thank you's and 'let me do that for you' amongst other things. So I believe his goggles may be clearing. I see it like he has finally seen her in a different light and that was a very ugly selfish light that was prepared to ruin his 'family' christmas for her own self gain. I had a boundary issue which I'm glad I have sorted out now as I can understand after reading the divorce remedy that I was expecting too much - my sights were set a little to high.
We are flirting, having fun and looking forward to seeing each other. I'm scared and unsure how to act with - to much effort, not enough effort, just the right amount. We have not had sex but have been exploring other things and it occurs now almost every 2/3 days apart.
Nice texts from him asking how my day is and doing sooooo much around the house I can't believe it. We have been sharing the same bed (about 10days - but we've agreed its about bed comfort) and talking openly about OW and the implications. I know he wants to take things slow/unsure but we haven't spoken about the topic 'let's try again'. Will this come or do you think its best letting things smoothly transition as it really has only been 5/6 weeks since he cut off OW (read to give it 2 months). So I was/am giving him space and only showing him how fun I am. And besides I was given the directive that as long as I wasn't feeling used or something was happening that I wasn't happy with I just needed to be patient. So I am doing this and maintaining a goal list and a journal of all the positives to keep focus and to be honest, I'm marking of my list almost daily.
Does anyone have any insight moving forward on addressing the possibiliy of getting MC and or talking about the 'us' thing now I have allowed the A to fizzle? Also some guideance on showing affection as I believe I'm going in the right direction but unsure about some other ways to show affection that may not be 'coming on to him' as I am still happy to take time for this and not ruin things.
_____________________________________________________ Me 32 H 32 D 6 S 4 S 11mth
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
Well it sounds like you're doing all the right things, so good job You're giving him time and space to sort things out, you're not getting caught up in the emotional turmoil between him and OW, you're being very patient. All great things. Have you read DR? There's a chapter on infidelity that I think you would find very helpful. Many marriages have healed from infidelity and often even become stronger than before, but it takes a lot of difficult work to get there. Has your H committed to working on the M? If so then MC is definitely something you should explore. There are some tips in DR about finding a good MC. You might also consider a DB coach, they can offer some very specific advice to you and also help you with locating a good MC. Also Google Retrouvaille, it's a program that I think you could really benefit from. Good luck!
Thanks AS, I feel like I am on the right track. And patience is the key. As when something happens - he behaves in a certain bad way all I need to do is wait and sure enough he looks inward and then apologises which of course is a giant step. So I look at these things as my positive goals achieved. The problem is he has not yet committed to the M. So I can't really force anything. I have another phone coach tomorrow so fingers crossed she can give me a few pointers on addressing the sitch. I read the DR over christmas break and it really did help with my understanding. The only other problem I'm facing now is I start to have what seems to be the suppressed issues of the real 'problems' we had in our M making themselves known to me and me feeling concerned we won't be able to address them. I know this is only a matter of time but sweeping things under carpet was one bad thing in M and me getting a backbone is a lesson I need to learn. Time is on my side. :-/
_____________________________________________________ Me 32 H 32 D 6 S 4 S 11mth
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
So.... I thought I had completely detached (still think I am) and I can feel like I'm not bothered about my future. I'm strong and confident but why is it that I just found myself looking at my phone in case he text. I actually have started to feel little butterflies again like in the early days but trying to hide them. :-I is this normal when things start appearing positive?
Don't want rejection after he has shown nice signs. He asked to go to the movies and we are heading out tomorrow night without kids. Also he has shown signs of jealousy whilst I spoke to one of his friends - the friend commented to him how 'hot' I looked. It felt awesome, I had to go to my bedroom once home to fist punch the sky! It's been a while since I felt so good and all I had to do was make sure I looked the best I could!
still no committment talk.
_____________________________________________________ Me 32 H 32 D 6 S 4 S 11mth
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
sounds like you're on the right track. Just take it one day at a time
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
So.... I thought I had completely detached (still think I am) and I can feel like I'm not bothered about my future. I'm strong and confident but why is it that I just found myself looking at my phone in case he text. I actually have started to feel little butterflies again like in the early days but trying to hide them. :-I is this normal when things start appearing positive?
Yes. You'e starting anew R with someone you think you might like. Doesn't mean you aren't detached, we still have emotions.
[/quote]Don't want rejection after he has shown nice signs. He asked to go to the movies and we are heading out tomorrow night without kids. Also he has shown signs of jealousy whilst I spoke to one of his friends - the friend commented to him how 'hot' I looked. It felt awesome, I had to go to my bedroom once home to fist punch the sky! It's been a while since I felt so good and all I had to do was make sure I looked the best I could!
still no committment talk.
[/quote] Are you enjoying where things are right now? Do you have a timeline? How would commitment talk change things?
If you were dating anyone else would you expect a commitment talk at this point?
Have fun. You can't control the outcome of this.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Huh! wow labug...you're right! no we wouldn't talk about committment if it was a new R... I wasn't thinking of it like that. I suppose I had seen it in a sense that he was maybe cake eating as everyone refers to but I have this new person that does sooo much - lots of effort and shows concideration. So I don't feel used in any form.
Still secretly expecting bad things to happen but they haven't yet.Yes one day at time paul. :-)
_____________________________________________________ Me 32 H 32 D 6 S 4 S 11mth
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
I suppose committment talk only realy gives security which I suppose can be given in other forms.... And I really don't want a timeline in case I'm dissapointed, don't want to set myself up for a fall.... thank you, you have really got me thinking or looking at it a little differently.
_____________________________________________________ Me 32 H 32 D 6 S 4 S 11mth
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
My phone coaching went well as always. I have a little more clarity. you were right labug about taking my time. not pressuring things. However there are issues I need to address in a firm manner which I will need to do at some stage but again not urgent. The progression forward is pretty good. So looking at continuing to Look good Be fun Don't disclose all my plans - hard to do when living under same roof. but happy to keep trying to GAL. Allowing him to make most of the effort toward anything regarding separation and/or family activities/dates as he needs to make the effort. Openly flirt from time to time with a convenient touch. Always use manners and appreciate their effort on the little things. Start to think about how I will bring up the committment to R and trust issues. Am thinking a lunch date during week with careful words. ??? any other ideas?
_____________________________________________________ Me 32 H 32 D 6 S 4 S 11mth
Never allow kindness be misinterpreted for weakness. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.
You're giving him time and space to sort things out, you're not getting caught up in the emotional turmoil between him and OW, you're being very patient. All great things. Have you read DR? There's a chapter on infidelity that I think you would find very helpful. Many marriages have healed from infidelity and often even become stronger than before, but it takes a lot of difficult work to get there. Has your H committed to working on the M? If so then MC is definitely something you should explore. There are some tips in DR about finding a good MC. You might also consider a DB coach, they can offer some very specific advice to you and also help you with locating a good MC. Also Google Retrouvaille, it's a program that I think you could really benefit from. Good luck!