Hello
I am a stay at home dad, married 10.5 years (after being best friends for 7 more years and dating for 5ish) with 4 children, 9,7,4,and 2. Until the early morning after Christmas Day, I though I had a very strong marriage and a happy wife, but that morning she told me that she didn't want to be married anymore, and couldn't give any more details. I offered to give it time or try counseling and she just shook her head no sadly. Also I got ILYBINILWY. I found out later her main issue that has been building for some time is that living with me stresses her out (it couldn't be her stressful job with a boss she hates, or having 4 children under 10, or the three dogs she just had to get a few months ago (only two of them were new)) She also thinks that I yell to much at the kids, not screaming at them but still... and I have to admit that is probably true. We've always talked about everything or I though yet she hid these feelings for years apparently, never once commenting on it, and last July on our 10th anniversary I even took her out and asked her if she had any problems with our relationship, because I wanted it to last another 10, but she said it was great and had no problems. We've talked about it a few times since, but I realize now those were probably mistakes, my logic may have been sound but it doesn't matter here. She did say that I had been a great husband and that we had a pretty good marriage, but when I asked again about why she wouldn't seek counseling, when the cost was so low and the potential so high, she said she just didn't want to make an effort. Her heart is clearly hardened to me. It is also clear that she is sad about how awful this is for me and she desperately want to remain best friends. It even seems hard for her sometimes. She also I think feels guilty that she let it get to this point without ever telling me how she was feeling, but that changes nothing... its like shes locked onto her course now and nothing will dislodge her from it. She keeps saying that it will be better for everyone in the long run, better for her, the kids and even for me. Not likely on most or all of those counts. I am pretty certain that there is no one else in the picture, (which in a strange way, is a shame) though since I didn't see this coming, I may not have the best judgement.

Since I found out I have been trying to get my life in order, to get back in shape, lose weight, I'm back in school finishing my degree, Ive been seeing a Councillor to help be with temper control strategies, and Ive been working on a plan for what I will do for work, if/when a divorce goes through. I have to say that being a stay at home dad, really makes this so much harder, I'm loosing my wife, partner and best friend, at the same time I won't be able to be with my children as much no matter what else happens, and oh yeah, I'm being 'fired' from my job at the same time. Merry Christmas to me.

My wife is still at home with me, in the same bed in fact, and is friendly, but that's all. I think her her mind we're done, and she is just trying to stay friends.

Ive read both books, though it seemed like so much of the info in the was to prevent a marriage from getting to the is point, I have been trying to detach and to get a life but its hard to do with her living here, and only have one car leaves me kinda stuck, except when shes home and it been long hours lately, probably to avoid coming home and seeing me :p but I have at least been getting out and walking most days. The other problem I'm having in detaching is that she has come to me a few times for comfort about her work situation mostly, and i'm not sure whether by comforting her I'm giving her the best of both worlds, a husband-like figure when she needs it but not when she doesn't (and none of the fringe benefits for me).

So this is pretty long, I'm sorry, thanks for reading this far. The one thing I haven't said is that I am absolutely loyal to my family, and I love her so deeply that this is killing me. I'd do anything to set it right, but was never given the chance, to even know there was a problem. And it hurt that she would just throw away a 'pretty good' marriage, a 'great' husband and a best friend into the bargain. Ive given everything I had to her and my children. And this just makes no sense to me, or anyone else Ive talked to about this, including her folks. So hey, anyone have any advice?