Divorce on the table, Hoping for Miracle 2

[Groov]

Divorce on the table, Hoping for Miracle

Old thread locked time to start a new one

[Groov]

Got the below email today from OM's W who sent this email to all the parties involved, quite unexpectidly...

Not quite sure what to think of it. Want help with this from you all.


OM, Groov's W and Groov:


As the three of you know, we have all been friends for several years.  Those several years represent some very good times and also some not so good times.  It seems that the four of us now find ourselves in a somewhat similar situation in that none of us live with their respective spouse.  


Although I find our situation to be sad (mostly due to the fact that several small children are involved), I believe that this situation was quite predictable.  Previously, as you know, our Church leaders felt that OM and Groov's W were communicating with each other inappropriately.  At the time, OM was being disciplined for inappropriate behavior involving another female.  Groov's W and OM were both told to stop their inappropriate relationship or further discipline would be taken.


Groov and I were talking several weeks back and he mentioned that he believed OM and Groov's W were communicating heavily.  I requested text message records from our phone company; unless the phone company is wrong, there are close to 8,000 text messages between OM and Groov's W over the recent months.  Some messages were prior to Randall no longer living at our home; quite a lot of the messages appear to be into the late, late night and early morning.  Additionally, there are suspicions of video chat apps and face to face visits. 


This is rather disturbing, especially considering the two of you are still married to other people, not to mention in a very recent past you were considered “close friends”. 


I met with our church leader yesterday and relayed the facts to him as I understand them.  I am not sure what he will choose to do from this point on. 


I am not angry; I just find this rather shameful, disturbing and sad. I do also realize that unfortunately from this point on our friendship from my side will have to be dissolved.  Sad end result, but that’s the reality of this situation.



OM's Wife



I have not responded and won't.

Groov

[Groov]

Well, Talked to W this morning. I called cause we got cut off last night before prayer with kids. So talked to the kids an had a prayer this morning.

W then talks to me about D, she is giving me timelines. She wants me to decide about the assets this weekend. I think I backslid, cause I asked her what was driving this in her. I also asked her why we haven't talked about the issues. She said she is done talking about it. I told her I felt that she may have talked about them but just not with me... To this: she replied with some sarcasm: "Nice, Well played".

So here I am at work, trying to not let this bother me... it does...

Groov

[AnotherStander]

I have not responded and won't.

GOOD. There's not really anything to respond to. Just let it hang out there. I doubt her threat of turning it over to the pastor is going to impact your W or OM in the least. In fact that kind of attempt to alienate typically drives the affair couple even closer together, they feel like it's them against the world.

I also asked her why we haven't talked about the issues. She said she is done talking about it.

Yeah, that's WAS 101 there. Straight out of the textbook.

So here I am at work, trying to not let this bother me... it does...

Hang in there brother, it is abolutely tough and of course it bothers you! You're a man of faith, so you know who to turn it over to. The prayer answer this time is "not yet", so dig deep and find some more patience. You can do this!

[NeedingMore]

AS, your response was perfect!

Groov, one thing that is helping me detach has been to look at the situation from a different angle. For example...I ask myself this question..."NM...are you really detaching from BF, or from having a relationship?" Meaning, is part of my pain due to being lonely and not having the something (R) that I want...vs. being lonely and not having the person that I want. Because, it is different. Do you see?
Believe me, I want my BF...but I have evolved enough to not want him at any cost. Just ponder that for a bit!

[fade]

I told her I felt that she may have talked about them but just not with me..

Boom. That is the kind of thing I fantasize about saying - typically I think of comments like that about a day later. Doesnt have quite the same effect.

My bit of advice or something to think about - you have mentioned a lot that OM and you were "best friends", but not so much about the fact that, although you are in independent agent, he is essentially your boss. He may be in a position where he could potentially really hurt you professionally as he no doubt has many contacts throughout your industry and can likely do things to try to hurt your reputation with other agents/lenders etc. Conversely, this fact also puts you in a position of enormous leverage, should you decide that is something you need to employ. I would strongly suggest you consult with a couple of employment attorneys to familiarize yourself with your rights, risks, and potential actions available to you. And I wouldn't keep it a secret either. This guy stabbed you in the back in the worst way possible as your friend and your broker and continues to do so; I dont think ignoring/avoiding the issue is the best approach.

[NeedingMore]

I am going to have to respectfully disagree with Fade on this one. (Sorry Fade!) I just don't think that you should take any negative action against OM professionally or personally. I am all for protecting yourself, but why stir that pot? If your family is your top concern, just keep on standing for our marriage and wait for you W to come back to her senses. She will.

[NeedingMore]

*YOUR marriage, of course!! ;0)

[Groov]

AS,Fade and NM,

Thank you for your caring words, advice and encouragement.

Quick update,

Last Wed, W contacted my brothers W to ask for advice and help with the real estate in our sitch. Brothers W know the sitch as I have confided in them from the beginning. The also know my values and goal to stand for marriage.

When W first BD'd she went to my brother and talked to them. She gave them the impression that this was a temporary thing to try and work things out. (who knows if that was true though). While SIL was talking to W she called W on this. She also asked what had happened and expressed misunderstanding why she hasn't worked on things. SIL asked if there was another person... at that point SIL said that W walled up and became cold. Then shortly left.

A few hours later W called SIL and expressed that there was no one else waiting in the wings... She also stated that she cried all the way home. SIL was just there for her and is willing to help where needed. SIL told me that W would consider coming back to the marriage if she felt a divine impression, If she felt divinely impressed she said it would be hard...

So... To that. I am not staking hope. I am keeping hope in me and my journey, I am hopeful that W's journey will take her to truth and realization. I do hope we can R at some point. In the mean time. I am painting, playing with kids, I have a coworker moving into my place and renting a room, eating healthy, praying, studying and in general GALing. I am sleeping better, I feel better. I am no longer doom struck.

NM, I really appreciate your example and words! I have been thinking about your outlook and it has really affected me for the better. I am finding more and more happiness in my attempts to work on myself and leave W to W and God... I am 6 months in now. I feel I am in a better place than even 1 month ago. I believe I am accepting things as they are but also know that I have a lot of power in myself to be myself and improve myself. My relationships with others are improving immensely. Who would of that changing myself would be so powerful! Anyway

Thanks all for your continuing help!

AS I read what you post on others forums and find you are a great light here!!! I hope your sitch gets the miracles it deserves!

Groov

[Groov]

So need some advise from wise DB'ers out there. Please help.



Wife just sent the following email. How would you respond?



Hi,

So I've attached all of the numbers as I understand them to be. As I see it, we have about 20k in credit card debt and 29k in assets after the deduction of the 35k from the Indy properties. Both assets and liabilities should be divided 50/50. I've been trying to determine how that can be done equitably, but it's proving to be a bit more complicated. The credit card debt seems simple, pay down what we can with our savings/tax return, then split the remainder. The properties are not quite as easy. You've told me that you you'd like to take the condo, which is fine. The burden of the Indy properties is a tough one to divide though. Particularly, since Warman is appearing to be uninsurable by traditional methods. Iv'e been looking at different options, but anything that exists is much more expensive for sure. Since we haven't collected rent in probably two years now, and have only put in, well.... You get it. Worst case is forced place insurance by the lender, which will be around $2000/annually or more. I don't know what this will do to the monthly payment, but ultimately that may be the final nail, as it were. Especially if I cant get it rented.

So the question remains, how to quantify liability. It easy to say, I just give you half of the equity, condo included. But you walk away with our house, money in your pocket and perfect credit. I walk away on the brink of foreclosure with your pet projects, neither of which I want or have ever wanted, debt, and a credit score that won't recover until I'm 40. I can't even get a credit card in my name at this point. That being said, that may just be the reality of the situation, and I will be accountable for the choices that I've made. So.... How to proceed? I have a couple of ideas, I'm open to any you have.

As far as child support and alimony are concerned, I've been thinking about that a lot as we work through the details. Trying to balance our real estate situation is going to be a real challenge for me, not to mention kids and work. I don't feel like your request of child support adjustment is reasonable, considering everything I've listed above, and the fact that I've actually considered not taking alimony, which I'm entitled to, in an attempt to ease your burden.

Please consider what I've said from both sides. I know that you don't want to be a party to this at all, but the reality is that this has been a two way street. You say that you respect me and my choices, please live up to those statements. I only want to for all of us to be happy, our babies first and foremost. I am not nor will I ever try to take advantage or "stick it you" in any way. Please let me know what you think.

Thanks,
Wife


Much appreciated in advanced for any help you can offer.

Groov