Don't Break Character

[Raine]

Hey Everybody! Yes, still kicking around. Sorry Wonka I started a post a few nights ago from my phone, and ended up losing it.

It amazes me to think that last year I was doing all of this on my own, all the driving, working full time, all the kid stuff, all the pregnancy stuff, all the reading, being on here a lot, being on other sites a lot. And now, I feel like I barely sleep and I'm always behind. Yes I have a teething baby boy, but he's super happy to crawl around and play while I get stuff done. S2 is really great with him and the older boys are super amazing. H helps out a lot with running kids to school, helping with homework, watching the kids so I can go out or get work done.

Still, as crazy as it sounds, I've come to the conclusion that having a husband is more time consuming than working 20+ hours a week while being a single mom. 2 hour of online time has now been replaced by 3 hour make-out sessions. I don't remember ever being like this with anyone ever. Sorry FY. Your time is coming buddy.

FY, I seriously laughed at "LBB." LBB is having a really bad time of it. His wife told me I have been blacklisted. Yup I called it. He doesn't want to hang out with H with me there, because H is too concerned about me and wants to do things I want to do, or thinks I want to do, not what LBB wants to do. Jealousy be brewing.

H asked me what plans we have for tomorrow night. I said nothing scheduled. He wanted to invite some old friends over, and if that didn't work out, he said let's just spend time together, you and I. This surprised me because I left him with the kids last night and went out, and tomorrow night is usually his night with LBB and other buddies without me. Interesting enough he has only done that once in the last 3.5 months, since we started reconnecting. That was two weeks ago and he came home early. I thought for sure he would go tomorrow night and I didn't plan anything on purpose. He and LBB haven't spoken in over a week now.

I'm realizing just how messed up LBB is. I knew he wasn't going anywhere in life, but more and more issues continue to popup with him. His wife of a month and a half is having a really rough time of it. She has a massive amount of expectations. I feel like I gave her some really good advice. A lot to do with compassion and understanding, as well as she always has a choice and focusing on her and what she will and won't do, not focus on him and what he is or isn't doing. Two hours worth of great advice I've gleaned from going through this last year, from reading, and all of you on the forums. And sitting here thinking about it, I'm realizing just how much I am the go to person for advice, especially relationship advice. I always have been, but now, there is a lot of people talking to me about it. People I will meet once, who then start talking to me afterwards and just completely open up about themselves and continue to come back to me over and over again. LBB's wife is now one of those friends too.

I wonder how long LBB's marriage will last, and I almost wonder if he got married because he admires H and wants what he has. He said he got married because he wants a family. He has also said for a very long time, even when H and I were separated (he doesn't know we were) that he wants to have a relationship like H and I do. He also adores our boys. But as far as life goes, LBB is still working no education required jobs, while H is the youngest at his level and destine for more advancements sooner rather than later.

It seems like H is ready to break free of LBB. He doesn't like to be controlled. Likely, LBB thinks that I am the cause of change and making demands, but I'm pretty chill-ax. H can do what he wants to do. I ain't his mother. I'm totally fine with him going out when and whenever he wants. That's his choice. And yes, it feels pretty amazing that all he wants to do is be with me. He is so interested in me, what I want, what I like, what I'm doing, what I think.

Thanks AJ for your sweet words. You're a pretty amazing guy! I'll have to spend some time checking out the piecing forum.

uR, I love you to death my friend. You have helped me so much. You know the thing I'm struggling with is I felt like things were addressed. I felt like we communicated. We spent a lot of time together, we dated, did things with other adults, lots of family time. I thought we were doing everything we should be doing. We were always doing so much more than other couples. I felt we were so much closer than other couples.

It was really hard for me, and still is extremely hard for me to accept this had to do with the marriage. I read the 5LL shortly after BD1, and I was thinking in my mind, check, check, check, check, check. I do these things. And I know I had bad moments and I'm not perfect. But what stands out so much is he said to me a week or so ago that he has the relationship he always wanted, and he realizes that almost all of it we already had. He feels closer to me than he ever has. He felt before that I never thought much of him, that he was never good enough, that I didn't love him. He said he was so blinded by the depression. That he was so stupid. That he couldn't see what he had in front of him.

There isn't a lot that is new. I'm different, but not that different. I'm happier. I'm more secure. But I was happy. I was secure. I like the changes. But if it was good then, like I truly believe it was, then that only makes my trust issues and walls that much bigger. And if minor imperfections in me or the marriage or whatever, lead to infidelity, I want off this ride.

There is some trust building. I don't check up on him like I did before. I just don't think to. The patterns have been very consistent for long enough for me to trust more. I have both feet in. And I'm no so much scared of it happening again, I just refuse to be made the fool.

Which reminds me...I got very upset a few days ago. I don't remember the last time I was upset, not like this. H had made a post about talking dirty and one of the women he has flirted with, no physical, made a comment about that's why it's so fun when he and she talk. I was so ticked. Like they have this secret thing that I don't know anything about. And I called him out on it. I sent him a message telling him I was really upset and it was all I could do to not comment back. He phoned me right away and said it was nothing. And I called him out on stuff. He apologized, but said it was nothing. And I know he never talks to her. He continued to reassure me that he hasn't even talked to her for a year and he is only interested in me. I told him that I'm not going to be made a fool. And he keeps saying, no one thinks that. But I know better. I'm so annoyed he still keeps all of them as FB friends. Yes, I could ask him to delete them, and he would, no problem. But I want that to come from him. He should do it because he knows it's inappropriate, not because I demand it.

And that's how I know that I'm not ready to deal with the past yet. Because the little things make me super angry. I'm still so close to all of it. He says something that I think it's a story change from something he has said in the past, and it sends me back a mile. Stupid, pointless things. Anything where I feel there isn't honesty, where the story has changed, brings it all back to me. And there is anger there.

GG! I was so excited to see your post. A lot of us have setup FB accounts. I'm on there as Raine DB if you want to message me there. I do think a new ring needs to happen. I'm just gonna see what he does about it.