maybe a bit off the edge?

[dingo]

Thanks again Sandi - i have to admit that your last line choked me up a little and I am so very thankful for your support.

I know that the real core of the problem existed before the A and will need to be fixed and healed. I think it can be done and she has voiced the same.

She still wants to see me - although that has been limited during the "space", hugs me, kisses me (not passionately but still decent lip kisses) and still says she loves me. Its pretty nuts at times.

Again, the optimist will always see something positive but I do see some differences this time around. She has had the ability to continue to see him without anything external holding her back. I did not pressure her to stop seeing him in the week or so leading up to her cutting ties. I knew what was going on but kept my mouth shut and went dark/dim. My hopeful conclusion is that she either realized that there were key things missing from that R or at the very least that she couldn't make a good assessment of our R while he was in the picture. In essence, she made the positive step to end it and he reacted. The other possibility is that he was pressuring her to leave her M and it backfired, just like me pressuring her to leave her A backfired.

That being said, I don't know for sure that she is addicted anymore - or maybe more appropriately put - I think that while it makes her feel good, she is willing to stop. She definitely still has feelings for him and has withdrawals to go through. While she hasn't taken D off of the table, she has said over and over again that she isn't at all convinced that a true R with the OM would be something she wants.

On to the important things - I have had to face some of my shortcomings and know exactly how I failed earlier in the M. I also know what I need to do for myself, both in the context of this situation and beyond it. Those lessons are valuable no matter the outcome.

I do feel like I love her completely now, something that I did not feel until a few months before everything fell apart. And I do forgive her, even if its difficult to trust her right now.

I do like the term unavailable as opposed to going dark - going dark seems so extreme and final.

Just the thoughts racing through my head tonight. Yesterday I felt like I did the day of BD. Today i feel a whole lot better than i did the day after the BD. I guess that's progress.