Mediation is helpful in a situation where there will have to be give and take. That's not my situation. I would have to give more than I believe the court would order me to. I was willing to do that just to get my life back, but when xh tried to get information about my home loan from the broker instead of requesting it from me or through his attorney that was the final straw. He continues to be sneaky. He hasn't disclosed anything to me. My attorney just requested the loan application, documents and appraisal from his attorney. I'm sure xh never realized that he would have to provide these. This is just the tip of the iceberg. There are other documents that I am entitled to. I really wanted to settle even though I've never done discovery. I know xh has hidden money and assets, so now he'll be forced to disclose them. He thinks that we're going to go right to trial without doing discovery. What a fool.
My XH also refused to provide any documents by way of discovery. He simply refused, right up until trial date.
When we got there, Judge asked him what he was playing at. He gave a sob story about not having any money or assets and that trial was a useless waste of money on my part (I was the only one to be represented by a lawyer). XH said in the interests of his children, he was not going to participate in the trial. He made me out to be a wasteful, stupid money-grubber who was willing to spend everything on a fruitless task designed purely to spite him.
Judge ordered the trial to proceed on an undefended basis. That will happen in a few weeks. But XH has spent 100s of thousands on his own (& OW's) entertainment in the interim and now has nothing left.
He has played a very smart game.
So... just be prepared for more forks in the road even if you do get him to mediation (which my XH agreed to as a diversionary tactic, too) or to trial.
NLW, I'm so sorry that you're proceeding to trial, but I understand it is necessary. My xh has played the same games and clearly hasn't been advised about the repercussions of hiding and misusing marital funds. There were things he did during our marriage that he will now have to take responsibility for. For years he told me that he didn't have to answer to me. Well, actually, he does.
At this point I've abandoned the idea of mediating. I really wanted to give it my all so I could just be done with this, but I'm not dealing with a rational person. He has a very skewed view of what's fair and reasonable. In my case it's just better to lay it all out for a judge and let them decide. It's costly, but I can live with it.
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I received an email from xh stating his willingness to still mediate, except now he is willing to rearrange his schedule so he is available any day. Before he was only available on Saturday morning. He added that I didn't scare him with my accusations and that they're all false. Denial.
I would have been agreeable until I read the string of emails between him and the mediator. He wanted the mediator to contact me to basically check out my state of mind and determine my willingness to negotiate. The mediator replied saying he wouldn't do that. Also, xh wanted to quickly schedule a date and said he wouldn't vacate the settlement conference unless we had a "successful mediation."
This just showed me that he excepts to settle this quickly, in one session, and that will only happen if I give him what he wants. There has been no give and take with this man. Clearly he is not committed to the mediation process. It takes time and the right attitude.
I really didn't know how to respond, but decided to just pose the question "What is it that you think we have to mediate?" Not the best choice of words, but simple with him is best. I want to know what the issues are as he sees them.
I forgot the mention that he used his typical language - he's giving me one more chance [to mediate]. There have been variations from "this is your one and only chance" to either you do this or I will do that. All of it is desperate talk.
GM, I continue to be amazed at the similarity that is exhibited by mlc-ers.
My XH said EXACTLY the same about mediation. He was all in favour of going - but as the time drew near, he stipulated that i had to agree (in writing, via email, beforehand) that I was willing to settle on his terms.
He saw it as simply an opportunity to have the mediator get me to sign off on his (completely unsubstantiated by financial documentation) version of what i owed him.
It was bizarre. Like you, i tried to point out that if i did this, there would be nothing to mediate... but I got nowhere.
Eventually, he agreed to attend the session, but after 20 mins, it devolved into an argument, after he kept maintaining his point that we were there to agree to his terms, or nothing. Finally, he shouted that it was all a complete waste of time and he stormed out.
The mediator had to pick his jaw from the ground and was left commiserating with me in the meeting room.
What I'll never understand is how these mlc-ers can think (and verbalise) so alike, in such crack-pot ways, about a range of different things.
