maybe a bit off the edge?

[sandi2]

An optimist will always find something positive just as the pessimist will find something negative.

The sad thing is when you are believing progress is being made, only to discover she hasn't been 100% truthful or she didn't honor what she had said she'd do, etc. I'm sure you feel crushed all over again. B/c how could a man get use to this?

The positive side I think is you've had to face some tough things and maybe had to face some of your own weaknesses. Not fun stuff! If it helps you be a stronger, better man.....then I see it holding positive lessons (lessons b/c I believe you are beginning to learn from the experience). I also believe you are getting ready to rely on some DB tools, instead of finding a magic button to press.

The other thing I see as being a big plus is the fact she continues to still want to see you....and the fact the two of you can have a great time together and not discuss the R or have a fight! She hasn't filed for a D in order to be "free" from the M. There are positive issues along this line.

Some may see it as a positive move that OM has told her what he did. I hope so, but the positive action needs to be coming from your action....and not the other guy. It may be a break for you that he told her not to contact him.....but I don't think so. You can't depend on what the OM does or doesn't do. The two people in the M had to be the ones to do the work.....not the A partner, know what I mean? However, if it would really tick her off at him enough to get her through her withdrawal stages, it could shorten the time....maybe, IDK. I just don't believe it's going to be that easy. Notice, he told her to not come around "until" she was D. Hardly the same as "I never, ever want to lay eyes on you again!" So, he left a door open for her.

The negative side is that she is addicted to this A and keeps running back to OM b/c of the thrill she gets. She confuses the thrill with falling in love.....but she loves you, so more confusion while she bounces back & forth. She tries to hold onto both men b/c she's get "part" of her needs met by you and "part" of her needs met by the OM. That has a lot to do with why she can't make up her mind and choose one.

The truth is that a M won't survive her having multiple affairs, and if the "need" that sent her to OM is not filled by her H, she will have more affairs. She was already on the prowl before she turned to him, so there was a problem in the M. The problem will need to be resolved, fixed, or healed.

Not that you have said anything on these line, I'm just saying....it's not about winning or losing another person in a relationship. It is about loving another person completely, and being able to trust them without the need to spy. It is about value. Knowing what you can live with and what you won't live without. It doesn't always come at once. We make mistakes, we learn and we grow. Love and forgiveness have to walk hand in hand or it splits. I see no reason the two of you can't start over and have a wonderful life together. But I don't think she needs to hear a lot of discussion or R talks at this time. Sadly, talking R to a WAW is about useless. Besides, you've tried it, right? Hopefully, the time will come to talk but it's usually later.

I think the term going dark may seem over-powering to you. If you can see yourself as unavailable to her......it's a beginning. I am still seeing this M being saved!