I think I'm done. 2.5 months, he's still with her (since he said he was ending it, they've actually been together physically for 14 months, emotionally almost 2 years)
She isn't going anywhere. He is just keeping me as plan B. I deserve better.
I made an appointment to talk to a priest about my marriage. I'm not terribly religious but we were married in the Catholic Church and I think my catholic guilt is keeping me stuck.
I made an appointment to talk to a priest about my marriage. I'm not terribly religious but we were married in the Catholic Church and I think my catholic guilt is keeping me stuck.
I'm Catholic too, sthelen, and it is a very difficult decision. But the Church does allow for divorce in the case of unrepentant, continued adultery. I ultimately decided to stand up for holiness in my marriage and file for divorce, and I'm happy to report that my wife ended her affair, we reconciled, and have been happily married ever since. But I ultimately had to be willing to let her go if that's what she decided to keep doing.
I am sorry you are still in this position. As I said, I continued contact (on/off, no sex after the initial few months but contact nonetheless) until H drew a line in the sand and said that's it. I didn't even consider it 'contact' because the last time we ran into each other on accident (and hadn't talked, texted or seen each other in a long time) and I told him I was happy and hugged him. However, for someone who required no contact from you, that was contact. I just didn't think so at the time. Now if I seem him in the store or something, I go the other way as fast as I can because saying hi isn't worth trouble in my M or hurting my H. It just took him saying 'THAT'S IT' (and meaning it) to get there.
Anyway, my point is, I do not think your situation is going to change until you tell your H that as long as he is contact you are through. Let him know flat out that you don't believe him, you know he is in touch with her and you are through being there as a backup for him. And then, stick to it. No R talk, no need for counseling because he is not invested in your M right now. Talk to him about the children and any other conversations should be brief and initiated by him. Do not be rude, angry, etc. Always be friendly and kind when you speak but don't try to act as if your R is normal. He is going to have to be forced to make a decision and right now there isn't anything forcing him to do it. You have tried the other way and it isn't working. LRT is a must.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Also, if he says "ok, I will stop" he needs to PROVE IT before you try to work on your M and go to counseling, otherwise, he will be back to her in no time.
I know someone said it seems the addiction would have worn off by now but I didn't find that to be true. It isn't addicting in the way a normal R is in the beginning, it is addicting in the fact that it allows you to escape reality and avoid the things you don't want to face/deal with so it lasts a lot longer. I think I was addicted 3-4 years and even when we stopped contact, I thought about him nonstop, looked for his car, hoped I would run into him, etc.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Wow, thanks. Great advice. I think I am ready for LRT. What do I have to lose? I've been too afraid to put too much pressure on him because I didn't want to push him away. But I'm ready to take that risk. At this point, what so I have to lose?
LRT is not about pressure, it is about detaching, not discussing your R, not having a lot of extra conversation - always be in a good mood but don't strike up conversations you don't need to have and when he starts one talk a little then end it (nicely) and leave the room, GAL. It is about you moving on with your life and letting H know that you will be okay without him (but not in words). Reread the section on it in DR.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
