PatientMan - 6th Edition - Acting Divorced

[AnotherStander]

Melissa, I love that about the moldy and maggoty cheese, LOL! Point well made, and I must say I've never heard it put that way before

It's in this post.

Gotcha, thanks. Well I think you handled it great! I think it would have really hurt her if you refused the hug, I'm glad you didn't. And what she said really sounds like it was from the heart. If my W ever said that to me I think I would pass out on the spot.

[JayMan]

We are in different places, but your W sounds a lot like mine from an emotional/needs standpoint.

If we get in an argument, for example, she'll get really upset and ask for some space, so I'll not contact her, and she'll so badly want to see me, but she just can't get past the conflict, and finally, three days later, she'll call me, and ask me to come over, and hug me, and ask me to spend the night.

I could be wrong - but your W sounds very similar if you substitute space for divorce. She wants you, the comfort of you, enjoys the hugs and the closeness, but thinks she's still good enough on her own.

I think the difference in our cases is that my W got "let go" - she started taking care of herself financially, emotionally, etc, and ended up several thousand dollars in debt, had two car wrecks and got her insurance canceled, had a very brief A with a nasty guy, and ended up waking up one day and saying, "Holy shnikes, I have screwed up my life so bad."

Dunno. THAT is what I think is missing in your scenario...

[PatientMan]

I think the difference in our cases is that my W got "let go" - she started taking care of herself financially, emotionally, etc, and ended up several thousand dollars in debt, had two car wrecks and got her insurance canceled, had a very brief A with a nasty guy, and ended up waking up one day and saying, "Holy shnikes, I have screwed up my life so bad."

Dunno. THAT is what I think is missing in your scenario...

Though my XW is experiencing financial difficulty, you're not exactly lifting my spirits.

-PM (mobile)

[JayMan]

Well, I'm trying. You're in a much tougher place, much more complex, and I wish I could give you magic answers, but I'll say again, "Stay your course".

[melissag]

If she had also lost her fiddle and her dog had died, Jon's W could have been the subject of a country song.

Jon, are you saying that you think PM's W just has not had a big enough wake up call to get going on figuring things out?

PM, has your wife gone to IC through any of this?

[kingdl]

But that's why I told her, "If giving you a hug sets you back, then I don't want to give you a hug. I want you to be okay." I would rather her be sad now and finally get better, than get her fix now and prolong the problem.

I don't say much because I have plenty of my own issues (and I have much to learn). Why are you making the boundaries about her? If they are her boundaries, then she doesn't have to feel bad about breaking them, right. Why are you focusing so much on how she feels?

I keep reading people tell you that boundaries should be yours for your well being and peace of mind. Own them or dump them. Don't try to turn it around and make your ex-W responsible for them. I'll bet she doesn't want to be controlled in that way.

Just my 2¢.

[PatientMan]

PM, has your wife gone to IC through any of this?

No, she's averse to counseling for some reason.

-PM

[PatientMan]

But that's why I told her, "If giving you a hug sets you back, then I don't want to give you a hug. I want you to be okay." I would rather her be sad now and finally get better, than get her fix now and prolong the problem.

I don't say much because I have plenty of my own issues (and I have much to learn). Why are you making the boundaries about her?

They're mutual boundaries for mutual "benefit." I won't lie - I really wanted that hug too, but I wasn't going to ask for it or passively hint for it...we have boundaries that I will respect on my end.

And honestly, I really and truly don't have any expectations. She was suffering, so I consoled her. I don't expect her to suffer every time I see her, and I don't expect her to ask for a hug every time I see her. I was happy that she was good when I saw her Wednesday.

But that hug? It felt amazing. I could hold her in my arms forever.

If they are her boundaries, then she doesn't have to feel bad about breaking them, right. Why are you focusing so much on how she feels?

Because I love her.

I keep reading people tell you that boundaries should be yours for your well being and peace of mind. Own them or dump them. Don't try to turn it around and make your ex-W responsible for them. I'll bet she doesn't want to be controlled in that way.

Just my 2¢.

I'm not making her responsible for them. I'm keeping up my end of the bargain, then trying to figure out how to react when she breaks them (which has just happened the one time).

Right now there is a battle going on between my brain and my heart. My brain knows the boundaries will get me to a place where she can't break my heart anymore, and this is the logical place to be, but my heart doesn't want to go to that place. I'm a pretty smart guy, but when it comes to those I love, my heart is bigger than my brain.

My fortune cookie from lunch: "Bide your time, for success is near."

-PM

[PatientMan]

I bet you would say, "PM, YOU deserve more than moldy cheese."

And it's true. And I know, because even though are sitches are different, we are in much the same shoes, that you KNOW that the cheese could be the best cheese in the world. You just know it!

And maybe that's true. But for now, it's all moldy. So my take - quit eating moldy cheese.

I know you're right in my head.

You set the boundaries for a reason. Right? If the reason was to entice your W to change something, that wasn't really the right reason. The boundaries are supposed to be for you, for your emotional well being - I believe that's what you said. And if they are, and you don't stick to them, how is that helping you?

I didn't initiate the boundary breach, and it wasn't something major like sex, it was listening and a hug. I would have felt like a total dick if I interrupted her when talking so I could leave, or later flat out refused a hug.

Plus that isn't part of the play.

I think the fact that your W has wanted to step over some of the boundaries is just her continuing to do the same thing she has done for the past two years.

Agreed. She wants what she wants, but when she starts hurting, she looks to me.

I am not saying your W is a bad person or is using you or is stringing you along on purpose. But she cannot give you what you want right now. She has proven that time and time again.

True. Right now.

You didn't ask about this, but if I may . . . I think that you need to try harder to go meet new people. You have mentioned a number of times that you don't have many friends to GAL with. I think that's really holding you back and keeping you willing to settle for less than what you deserve. You said once you are not going to find a new BFF at age 33. I disagree. But regardless - you can find new friends. They don't have to be your BFF. Even just people to hang out with would be nice. It would relieve you from being so consumed by your sitch, and I think would give you some clarity.

I don't like meeting new people. The typical response to that here is that I should "grow" and "learn" and "step outside my comfort zone" and whatnot, but I also don't like pineapples. I'm not going to force-feed myself pineapples when I know I don't like them. Can I "grow" and "learn" to start liking pineapples?

I keep a very small number of people inside my circle of trust. But I'm extremely caring, loving, and loyal to those people, and then it hurts really bad when one of those people checks out of the circle. I'm just not wired in a way to have casual relationships. They don't do anything for me.

Neither do pineapples.

-PM

[PatientMan]

I could be wrong - but your W sounds very similar if you substitute space for divorce. She wants you, the comfort of you, enjoys the hugs and the closeness, but thinks she's still good enough on her own.

They do sound very familiar, but one difference is that last part. I don't think my XW thinks she is good enough on her own. That's where she's trying to get, but can't seem to.

-PM