The only "explanation" is that the person is not thinking clearly, because normal people don't behave that way.
Us LBS's need to keep remembering this, such a simple line with a big message.
I generally agree with all this. The only "quibble" ( & it really is just a point of clarification for ME) is this:
Don't blame their fog for your own issues; work on YOU no matter how wacky you think your WAS is.
You have issues to work on. We all do. Don't neglect the "upside" of this whole ordeal, the only upside really, is that WE IMPROVE as people.
Whereas IF you don't do at least that, then this is just a total nightmare. and we have blown our best chance at becoming who we were meant to become. This ordeal, this adversarial time, is our chance to rise to the occasion and to become a man/woman that only a fool would leave.
Second, even if the WAS are not thinking clearly, and often then are not, that does NOT necessarily mean
1) they will again think clearly or wake up; ever, or soon,
AND - OR
2) even if they do awaken, they will not be quite the same as before.
We can still lose them. AND OR We may no longer wish to be with who they are now, or who they were. Then We can become the WAS and it's NOT to be punitive. (Make sure of that).
It's just that once the "DB dance" and work seems done, and the reconciliation or piecing begins,
it's as if WE LBSers suddenly awaken only to ask ourselves,
Hey, is this what I want for MY life now? Now that I know I'm quite alright, with or without my spouse? Now that I have GAL and have become the person I once was, or hoped to be...
what or whom do I WANT, NOW??
As for recon, the ones I have seen seem to follow one of two paths (generally). Once we get along enough to be civil and co parent, we can usually become cordial, even friendly...with our former spouses...
and from there, the reconciliations begin..
If they are going to reconcile, of the couples I know who have, that's usually how it happens. A kid's event, a family thing or a phone call, but they all succeed after AND ONLY AFTER both people have really dug deep, to work on themselves, totally independent of each other.
So there is no score keeping. No beliefs that "i will work on me & my stuff,if HE does HIS work too.. WHILE OR BEFORE I do my work...(and I will keep peeking and score keeping to check...) Simply put, That^^^ approach always fails. Ditch the scorecard for good.
Don't even bother working on yourself if it's at all contingent on someone else's working on themselves. IT defeats the purpose.
In sum, do not "wait" for them to awaken.
At one point I decided to Assume my h was in the Australian Bush and I could not reach him until if and when he got a satellite phone. I would NOT sit by my phone waiting, that's for sure...
IT might be a few months, but is likely to be a solid year or two...or never...
Yes my advice is that the LBSers MUST move on. BUT Moving on does not mean we slam and lock the door behind us, but it does mean we stop looking behind us to see if our WAS has noticed, or turned, or is GAL and all the obsessing that goes with guesswork re a WAS....so tiring and wasteful and it very much hinders our own path and growth....
Constantly Looking over your shoulder is no way to swim to the other shore.
Just get to the other shore, to the place where their actions/feelings/plans are NOT our priority or focus.
Accept that your WAS knows how to reach you IF they want to. You're not off fighting in Afghanistan...they have arms that work and can pick up a phone and make their mouth say what they need to say.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
