I feel like when you posted back around New Year's, you were really hurting. You were tired of this sitch and the roller coaster, and you knew it was just plain bad for you to continue hanging on and putting yourself through this.
But that is exactly what you are doing now. Again.
And I do not blame or judge you one tiny bit. Heck, my H told me in no uncertain terms that he does not want any kind of relationship ever, with me or anyone else, that involves expectations or obligations, but here I am, trying to justify a way that I can go support him at his rowing competition in a few weeks. Because see, I am like you . . . I can't give up on that connection that we have.
(Remember how I told you I see a lot of myself in your posts?)
If you think about it . . . it's not an entirely cheeseless tunnel, right? I mean, if our Ss were mean and told us to F off, or disappeared completely, we wouldn't be dumb enough to go down it again.
It's more like a tunnel with moldy cheese at the end. And we are willing to settle for the moldy cheese because it's better than no cheese at all, which is what we think we will get if we give up going down the tunnel entirely.
So then you realize, you're tired of moldy cheese. It's making you sick. So you say, no more moldy cheese! Forget it. I am done going down this tunnel. So you talk to your W, and you tell her, no more moldy cheese!
And then, how long later? A week? A few days? She offers you more moldy cheese, and you take it.
And like I said, I'm right there with you, PM. I have really only managed to reject the cheese that had maggots in it (and even then it was hard). I'm still taking the moldy cheese from my H.
But would you tell me to do that?
Go read through your thread (including the last post from the last thread, where your W pulled away again, and you had had it), and then imagine what would you say if someone else here that you cared about posted it?
I bet you would say, "PM, YOU deserve more than moldy cheese."
And it's true. And I know, because even though are sitches are different, we are in much the same shoes, that you KNOW that the cheese could be the best cheese in the world. You just know it!
And maybe that's true. But for now, it's all moldy. So my take - quit eating moldy cheese.
You set the boundaries for a reason. Right? If the reason was to entice your W to change something, that wasn't really the right reason. The boundaries are supposed to be for you, for your emotional well being - I believe that's what you said. And if they are, and you don't stick to them, how is that helping you?
I think the fact that your W has wanted to step over some of the boundaries is just her continuing to do the same thing she has done for the past two years.
I am not saying your W is a bad person or is using you or is stringing you along on purpose. But she cannot give you what you want right now. She has proven that time and time again.
So I'll tell you what everyone else tells me - take care of you, and let her take of herself. I think you know that, if you continue to step over the boundaries (whether she initiates it or you do), you are only getting in her way right now.
You didn't ask about this, but if I may . . . I think that you need to try harder to go meet new people. You have mentioned a number of times that you don't have many friends to GAL with. I think that's really holding you back and keeping you willing to settle for less than what you deserve. You said once you are not going to find a new BFF at age 33. I disagree. But regardless - you can find new friends. They don't have to be your BFF. Even just people to hang out with would be nice. It would relieve you from being so consumed by your sitch, and I think would give you some clarity.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
