But shouldn't this process of "becoming the husband only a fool would leave" be leading us toward some more positive interactions with each other?
In time it should, if her idea of that H is the same as yours. But I think when a woman is ready to walk away from the M b/c she has basically given up on getting her needs met in the MR, and after she reaches that decision she sees her H doing things that he wouldn't do when she wanted & tried to get him to do in the past.... yes, it could cause anger. She is angry b/c you waited until now to do it.
IMO, some WAW probably want to scream at the LBH and say, "Don't you get it? I'm through with all of this! You wait until the M is over and then you decide to do what I've tried to get you to do for years?"
I don't how you respond (if any)to her anger, but if you can understand why she's angry, it might help you to be sensitive to her feelings. You probably think you can't do anything to please her at the moment, and a lot of that may be true, b/c she has a lot of "stuff" that she has to work through. Just as you can't expect overnight to become that man only a fool would leave, neither can she get her stuff together that quickly.
Since you both are Christians, I will tell you this about my own stitch as a WAW who got busted on her EA. I did not happily make a decision to stay in my M. I was not eager and did not care about putting forth one ounce of effort to improve the R. I was extremely resentful of many things in our past MR together and had no desire to continue on with my H. My decision was simply made to "do the right thing". I had always done the right thing (based on what I was taught) except, of course, during the EA/WAW time. However, my decision to do "right" did not bring me happiness. My H & I were going through several very tough transitions in life....our ages, increasing health problems,finances,family, MR, etc. In trying to escape from my reality through an EA, actually made these other problems escalate. My H's health steadily got worse. I won't go into all of it, but my point is that we had to get through all those other transitions whether our we stayed together or not. Lord only knows what kind of mess I would be in today if I had left. I will forever be thankful I chose to do the right thing. However, positive feelings were not there for me. I was just there....and for a long time, that was the best I could do. I realize everyone is not the same, but that was how I was at that time.
Once I made the decision to stay, then I had to get through the withdrawal addiction of the EA. It was very difficult and if not for this board talking to me every night, I don't know if I would have made it. After I got through the withdrawal period, then I thought I would nearly die with depression. It was horrible. I had a lot of work to do on myself before I could get enough strength to work on the M. When you have no desire to be in a position you're in.......how much do you really give it? I can tell you..... not very much at all.
My H didn't have the tools you've received here on the board. He wouldn't go with me to see a MC to piece our M back together. But he was and has continued to be a lighthouse in many ways. His love for me is amazing and I will never be the W he truly deserves. I've not told many folks this, b/c they don't want to hear what I'm about to tell you. After making the decision to do the right thing....it took around two more years of me getting through my personal "stuff"...and getting my heart right... and able to feel like I could put some effort toward a better M. And all those other transitional problems we were facing? Well, they didn't magically disappear once I made the right decision.
I don't tell that information often b/c it must sound discouraging to newcomers. I am not sure why I'm telling you, but just felt like I should. I do want the LBS to know that sometimes just making the decision is exhausting b/c it affects the rest of life.
Remember, you are on a path that is not going to be parallel to hers for quite some time. You both will take a lot of twists and turns before traveling down the road as a happy couple. You may observe her and listen to her, but you don't know what all is going through her head/heart. When she gets in a mood over you trying to be that wonderful guy, just remind yourself she has so much of her own stuff to get through...and it will take time. And if she does make the right decision, don't expect her to be excited about staying. The right decision is her first step, but those emotions you have about a new MR probably won't be her emotions for a while. That's not to say it's hopeless! It will come, but it takes time.
Some LBH's let these everyday things push them to give up, but I'm telling you if you can hang in there, the M can be saved....even if she's not putting anything toward working on it right now.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
