Still Dating

[RealityTrip]

I don't feel the need to ask him how he got where he is, I just need to be mindful and appreciative of the fact that he is where he is.

^^^ this is where I need some work. I still feel the need to ask, to know about W's journey. It's coming from the fear of her changing her mind again. I'm working on that. EVERYDAY! lol! It's good to be reminded to be appreciative and mindful of the FACTS... She IS where she IS.

Thanks Bug!

[labug]

RT, I read your post on working through fear over in Newcomers and you and I have a similar process a skill I've learned from my IC. When I really examine my fear, I discover most of it comes from the same wound.

#5 above-Allowing life and love to be just as they are, with all their ecstasy and ache, without trying to take control, is still a challenge and probably will be for the rest of my life. When I think something might be off in H's world, I can feel the anxiety rising in my gut. I now call that my early warning system, it's my signal to stop and ask myself, "what's going on?" I realize how hyper-vigilant I was/am. I'm able to figure it out and let it go but it's been quite an eye-opener.

Thanks everyone for checking in.

[loualea]

Hi Lady
I haven't posted for a while or even read..I was finding the pain everyone was going through too close to home and I could only add me too.
I started reading your thread from the beginning knowing it had a happy ending was a comfort.
I have been in this sitch for 4 months. We still have contact. He still has an OW. However I don't believe or feel it is over. He is depressed and not consistent with his actions or words.
I am better at being ok alone but I think the hope that things will improve keeps me optimistic. I look at the advice of how would you live if it was truly over and I know my answer would not result in any reconciliation because I would be on the other side of the world, so that advice makes me feel like a failure.
You sound like me with the lists of things to do around the house and the need to control how the world works, how people should feel, act, think. Was it pure mental strength to control those urgesto control?
Could the control instinct been part of the ability to not give up?

Like you my work emphasises being in control. It is a hard line to walk. Exactly how did you do that.?

Have you noticed how many women are accused of controlling, pressure. ? Seems like almost a gender specific issue.

From my reading seems like you were in this sitch for more than 6 months efore you really came to terms with it then then there were still dark days a long time later.
Somehow that makes me feel like the advice to divorce now is premature..or am I controlling, using my persistence to get what I want.
Hope I am not hijacking your thread.I value your thoughts.

[labug]

Hi, I have work today, I'll answer later.

[Underdog]

Bug,

Morning! I should have realized you have a thread here, and I'm just sorry I didn't find you sooner. Because you sure as heck verbalize and articulate a lot of things that go on in my head and world too. You were right when you said we've had similar paths. I mean eerily similar, right down to the Al-Anon stuff and need for control and it boiling down to 1 big wound. Yikes!

Sigh. Also right there with you on the honey-do list. When my XH left, the last thing he screamed at me when he moved out was, "Don't call me to come over and fix stuff! Because I'm sick of being your Fixit Boy on your timeframe!" Ouch! Guilty as charged. It took a loooonnnnggggg time for me to bring this into the overall control issue, and then even longer to apologize to him down the road. He was very gracious and accepted my heartfelt apology. And funny... he always has been my go-to handyman; while I try not to take advantage of it anymore, periodically I have his smart self come over and show me how to do stuff myself. Like draining and turning on the sprinkler system. I reward him with a glass of wine and my awesome company.

I will pick up the book recommendation by Richo soon on my Kindle. No doubt it will help me prepare for my next R. No surprise that this stuff comes up for me too post-D. I'll be checking back so I can conduct my own checklist vicariously through you. Thanks!

Right now I'm reading Wayne Dyer's Wishes Fulfilled: Mastering the Art of Manifesting. I keep falling asleep, but I'm going to reread to make the most out of it. I want to design my next 40-50 years to be what my heart desires.

I hope this is helpful but I think the bottom line is, we just have to let go. Until we can be OK with and love ourselves, we can't be completely present in a R.

I am in complete agreement with you on this one. I avoided dating for a really long time because I knew I was not ready, only I had to let go of my D19 when she graduated and moved to NY to go to college. For me, it was the last big piece that I had to manage. I think it was hard because I also turned 50 in 2012, and I was really uncomfortable with that milestone. To me, it meant that there was more in my rear view mirror than my windshield, and I realized that I had a long way to go to make what is in the windshield matter and be terrific. At that moment, I would have given myself a D on my personal report card, and it was really overwhelming.

So, there is much to gain by letting go. Have you ever heard Suzy Boggus' song Letting Go? It makes me cry to this day. Probably because I know it's so important and makes our human experience what it is. We're *supposed* to be separate and not enmeshed. That doesn't mean we don't love fully and deeply, it's just that we allow others to be completely themselves and focus on managing our own baggage.

Back when I was in IC and dealing with the baggage issue and my incessant need for control, yet being so unhappy that nobody else was taking care of their stuff, she made me visualize leaving their massive luggage at a busy intersection curb. From that point forward, I became mindful of the "bags" I was choosing to carry - with the ultimate goal of walking this earth carrying nothing. I'm not there yet, but I'm a whole lot better now than I was when I started this path.

So good for you!

Hope your day is productive and happy, and filled with joy.

Betsey

[labug]

Hi Lady
I haven't posted for a while or even read..I was finding the pain everyone was going through too close to home and I could only add me too.

It can be overwhelming.

I started reading your thread from the beginning knowing it had a happy ending was a comfort.

I'm glad it was a comfort. It's a long story. Yikes!

I have been in this sitch for 4 months. We still have contact. He still has an OW. However I don't believe or feel it is over. He is depressed and not consistent with his actions or words.
I am better at being ok alone but I think the hope that things will improve keeps me optimistic. I look at the advice of how would you live if it was truly over and I know my answer would not result in any reconciliation because I would be on the other side of the world, so that advice makes me feel like a failure.[quote] There's no advice that anyone can give that will result in reconciliation but if you and your H truly wanted to reconcile, distance wouldn't matter. No matter what happens with your M, you can have a satisfying life.
[quote]You sound like me with the lists of things to do around the house and the need to control how the world works, how people should feel, act, think. Was it pure mental strength to control those urgesto control?

Hmmmm first I had to recognize what I was doing and then why I was doing it. For the most part it was fear.
Fear of not being good enough, fear of being seen as not smart, not attractive, not enough money, not in control of myself...basically everything.

But it boils down to, I thought I was not enough.

So I had to work on knowing and believing that I was enough and that messages I had absorbed as a child were wrong. Yoga, meditation, my wonderful IC all were insturmental in helping me but I had to do the work. Everyday, I did something that challenged me and my thoughts.

Could the control instinct been part of the ability to not give up?

I'm not sure what you mean by giving up here. If you mean giving up on the M...let me explain a bit more. Yes, I came to this site with the faint hope that H would return to our M. However as you probably read in my story, I really didn't think he would. I now believe that was a good thing because it helped me in detaching, letting go. Even at that, it took a long time for me to really detach.

After BD, I told my IC my goal was to not be one of those angry, bitter, resentful Dd women. I would work my a$$ of to avoid that and I did. So my goals were really about me and who I wanted to be.

I did at times come on here and say "I'm done!" and some wise souls would always counter with "You're not done...yet" and for a while I didn't get it but I took their word for it.

As it turns out, they were right because in those moments I was reacting not responding. I was declaring I was done based on something my H did or didn't do, some hurt I was nursing. I was being the victim, a role I was very familiar with.

I finally began to realize that the being done had nothing to do with the M and everything to do with me. I wasn't done working on me and never will be.

Like you my work emphasises being in control. It is a hard line to walk. Exactly how did you do that.?

I learned to use my skills appropriately, for good and not evil. I ask myself the question, Whose problem is this? Did anyone ask for my help? AlAnon helped me a lot with this piece.

I have a new favorite phrase: Not my circus, not my monkeys.

I can let go! It's such a gift.

Have you noticed how many women are accused of controlling, pressure. ? Seems like almost a gender specific issue.

Many/most of us are socialized to repress our needs.

From my reading seems like you were in this sitch for more than 6 months efore you really came to terms with it then then there were still dark days a long time later.
Somehow that makes me feel like the advice to divorce now is premature..or am I controlling, using my persistence to get what I want.

You're right! The first 6 months were a nightmare. I was in bed watching mindless TV and reading this forum, searching for success stories. Looking back I hardly recognize myself. But it was a part of my process because eventually I said to myself, "This has got to stop. You have to make some changes."

From that moment I started taking responsibility for MY LIFE. No one else had the ability to make my life OK, that was up to me, my thoughts, my words, my actions.

And that's how I found meditation, yoga, mindfulness and most of all acceptance. I knew about them before of course but I could learn and practice these things with online resources in my house. Changed my life!

Using your persistence to get what you want is OK, as long as what you want is only about you. If you say, I want to practice meditation to become a healthier person, you have a lot of control over that. If however, if your goal is I will practice meditation to get my H back, you have no control of that outcome. You can only control you and I know you've heard that a million times but it's not until we really start examining our thoughts and actions that we see how much we are really trying to control things/people outside our sphere of control.

As you become healthier you might discover that having your H back is no longer your goal, you might discover that being healthy attracts healthy people to you, you might discover that you are enough. None of these outcomes mean your H is out of the picture, he's just no longer front and center.

Hope I am not hijacking your thread.I value your thoughts.

Hope it helps in some way.

My life is not perfect today. I still try to control. I can be P/A, sarcastic. I can play victim. I judge.

This is life, constant growing and changing, refining, redirecting, regrouping.

We are never "there" whatever there is.

“We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart.”Pema Chodron

Everyday is a chance to learn.

[labug]

Great post, Bets! I nodded along with each and every sentence.

About the dating issue, I thought about it many times during our separation but I knew I was so not ready and that anyone I attracted at that time would not be healthy in the ways I needed.

Handyman story-LOL

Baggage-I'm not carrying unless someone's paying me!

I want to design my next 40-50 years to be what my heart desires.

Although I haven't read the book, this is where I have been for about the last 12-18 months, creating my life and not accepting excuses from me for why I don't do x, y or z. I'm working to keep that going while having a R with my H. I was way too enmeshed before, the pressure was immense.

I had a very productive couple of days. I am blessed to have a job that I love. Despite that, they about killed me yesterday, today is a jammy day!

[woody112]

You are a real warrior, bug!

[loualea]

Hi LB
thanks for the detailed reply. I have a long way to go with control, a long way. Can't do therapy, language problems, try talking to myself.. stopping myself wanting to control then that little voice says it would be so much better if you did control it...
feel like Gollum in Lord of the Rings arguing with the 2 parts of me..

What I meant was you persisted when people said give up. I wondered if that is part of the control issue . For me I like controlling, hate being told what to do.. go the opposite way. You are gooxd at ontrol so you controlled yourself to do what you want.. I have probably made it more confusing now..

so I won't say I am done.. just this week taking a little break from caring about him very much... he is not really worthy of my thoughts at the moment..

[Rick1963]

Loulea what do you mean about language problem and can't do therapy? LA been translating for me for almost 3 years look how good I'm doing