Still Dating

[labug]

Hi Lady
I haven't posted for a while or even read..I was finding the pain everyone was going through too close to home and I could only add me too.

It can be overwhelming.

I started reading your thread from the beginning knowing it had a happy ending was a comfort.

I'm glad it was a comfort. It's a long story. Yikes!

I have been in this sitch for 4 months. We still have contact. He still has an OW. However I don't believe or feel it is over. He is depressed and not consistent with his actions or words.
I am better at being ok alone but I think the hope that things will improve keeps me optimistic. I look at the advice of how would you live if it was truly over and I know my answer would not result in any reconciliation because I would be on the other side of the world, so that advice makes me feel like a failure.[quote] There's no advice that anyone can give that will result in reconciliation but if you and your H truly wanted to reconcile, distance wouldn't matter. No matter what happens with your M, you can have a satisfying life.
[quote]You sound like me with the lists of things to do around the house and the need to control how the world works, how people should feel, act, think. Was it pure mental strength to control those urgesto control?

Hmmmm first I had to recognize what I was doing and then why I was doing it. For the most part it was fear.
Fear of not being good enough, fear of being seen as not smart, not attractive, not enough money, not in control of myself...basically everything.

But it boils down to, I thought I was not enough.

So I had to work on knowing and believing that I was enough and that messages I had absorbed as a child were wrong. Yoga, meditation, my wonderful IC all were insturmental in helping me but I had to do the work. Everyday, I did something that challenged me and my thoughts.

Could the control instinct been part of the ability to not give up?

I'm not sure what you mean by giving up here. If you mean giving up on the M...let me explain a bit more. Yes, I came to this site with the faint hope that H would return to our M. However as you probably read in my story, I really didn't think he would. I now believe that was a good thing because it helped me in detaching, letting go. Even at that, it took a long time for me to really detach.

After BD, I told my IC my goal was to not be one of those angry, bitter, resentful Dd women. I would work my a$$ of to avoid that and I did. So my goals were really about me and who I wanted to be.

I did at times come on here and say "I'm done!" and some wise souls would always counter with "You're not done...yet" and for a while I didn't get it but I took their word for it.

As it turns out, they were right because in those moments I was reacting not responding. I was declaring I was done based on something my H did or didn't do, some hurt I was nursing. I was being the victim, a role I was very familiar with.

I finally began to realize that the being done had nothing to do with the M and everything to do with me. I wasn't done working on me and never will be.

Like you my work emphasises being in control. It is a hard line to walk. Exactly how did you do that.?

I learned to use my skills appropriately, for good and not evil. I ask myself the question, Whose problem is this? Did anyone ask for my help? AlAnon helped me a lot with this piece.

I have a new favorite phrase: Not my circus, not my monkeys.

I can let go! It's such a gift.

Have you noticed how many women are accused of controlling, pressure. ? Seems like almost a gender specific issue.

Many/most of us are socialized to repress our needs.

From my reading seems like you were in this sitch for more than 6 months efore you really came to terms with it then then there were still dark days a long time later.
Somehow that makes me feel like the advice to divorce now is premature..or am I controlling, using my persistence to get what I want.

You're right! The first 6 months were a nightmare. I was in bed watching mindless TV and reading this forum, searching for success stories. Looking back I hardly recognize myself. But it was a part of my process because eventually I said to myself, "This has got to stop. You have to make some changes."

From that moment I started taking responsibility for MY LIFE. No one else had the ability to make my life OK, that was up to me, my thoughts, my words, my actions.

And that's how I found meditation, yoga, mindfulness and most of all acceptance. I knew about them before of course but I could learn and practice these things with online resources in my house. Changed my life!

Using your persistence to get what you want is OK, as long as what you want is only about you. If you say, I want to practice meditation to become a healthier person, you have a lot of control over that. If however, if your goal is I will practice meditation to get my H back, you have no control of that outcome. You can only control you and I know you've heard that a million times but it's not until we really start examining our thoughts and actions that we see how much we are really trying to control things/people outside our sphere of control.

As you become healthier you might discover that having your H back is no longer your goal, you might discover that being healthy attracts healthy people to you, you might discover that you are enough. None of these outcomes mean your H is out of the picture, he's just no longer front and center.

Hope I am not hijacking your thread.I value your thoughts.

Hope it helps in some way.

My life is not perfect today. I still try to control. I can be P/A, sarcastic. I can play victim. I judge.

This is life, constant growing and changing, refining, redirecting, regrouping.

We are never "there" whatever there is.

“We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart.”Pema Chodron

Everyday is a chance to learn.