I found it particularly difficult to validate when she is straight out lying/or deciding to see things differently.
Yes it's difficult, but it's the quickest way to not only diffuse things but to help the WAS to see the LBS in a different light. The WAS has decided that the LBS is solely responsible for every bad thing that has ever happened to them. They see the LBS as mean, angry and uncooperative. They expect conflict every time a conversation happens. And if they don't get the conflict they expect, they start pushing the LBS's buttons. The WAS wants the LBS to be rude and mean because it justifies their "image" of the LBS, it tells them they were right to BD. So when the LBS shows them dignity, respect and patience, it throws them off their game. It sometimes even makes them angrier! But if you stick to it then eventually they start asking themselves if maybe they're wrong about the LBS. It has a cumulative effect, that's why we always say it takes months of consistent changed behavior before the WAS might change their mind about the LBS.
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last night i kept my distance and we didnt really interact
That is not at all a bad thing. We often say to give the WAS time and space, but we don't often talk about how the LBS often needs time and space too. If you need it then take it.
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I agree with the part about my parents and they are not helping me (no doubt well meaning) and next time i speak to them i will let them know what i expect from them.
They do indeed mean you well, so validate them- thank them for what they've done. But sometimes loved ones need to be reminded that THEY are not at the center of the sitch, WE are. They often get caught up in how it's affecting them, what it means to them, and they forget their priority is supporting US.
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Its great that the majority of people on here maybe understand that some of us (i know i do) find this more difficult than others and need a gentle prod in the right direction and help and can do this in a kind way with humility. This isnt lost on me and i can only say thank you for your post yesterday it really helped me re-focus and knowing i am not alone in all this.
You are quite welcome! That's why it's a good to keep posting updates, sometimes we're so close to our sitches that we need these forums so impartial observers can give some input now and then
