separated 6 weeks still on the journey

[paul19510]

hi 3boyz, I had to write two emails in the past 24 hours that were urgent 1. checking account almost empty until I get paid tomorrow and W is out for the day with D16. 2. Doors at church found unlocked at 5am and lights on. I notified her this happened. Not frills, no follow up. I guess that's as light contact as I can be. in past I might have txt or called (worst idea) about it.

so, two very dry emails is about all. Each message was probably 1 sentence long. Not sure I broke the idea of N/C. do you agree...? or is there something I can improve on with this. basically, our life has a lot of moving parts, I'd be surprised if I could completely cut her off...

[labug]

Married, divorced, separated, there are times when you will need to communicate.

Do it just as you did, facts.

[labug]

I also wanted add to the conversation on venting.

Venting isn't always a good thing as it can expand our anger and short circuit our figuring out what it really is that we're feeling.

Writing here or journaling offline might be a good way to begin to work through feelings. There's a need to be aware of who you choose to vent to because we may tend choose people who will agree with us or encourage our anger, and that keeps us stuck.

I think you're doing a great job, Paul.

[paul19510]

Bug, thanks. I am learning. I wish she'd communicate...I know she is through her silence btlut your know what I mean.

I am starting to talk less about sitch and have openly said to friends thst I vented to thisn month that its my hope to keep moving and vent much less if at all. I thanked them for their support during this time that I hurt but said its time to make my life about way more than this. They accepted my words and we move forward.

I love my wife in spite of the hurting we caused each other. Other people don't have to get it. I see from mandys posts that my W is basically deaf to anything but her own inner voice about this issue st this time. They might be very confused upset, angry scared....lots of stuff. She doesn't have any room for me or my pain now. I guess loving her right now, means being quiet. Not sure if I will give up ssome day and decide I cant wait. But I guess I don't have to decide that today. Make sense?

[bluesgal]

Great job Paul-You are getting this very early in your sitch and that should serve you well.

I spent months doing the wrong things before I discovered, then finally exercised DB principles.

I so wish I knew then what I know now, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.

It is very empowering to take a stand for us, to try to detach (I'm still working on that) and to move forward with our own journey.

What I've really been seeing lately is that WAS often just start their journey once LBS has fully detached and moved on in a sense. That's a tough pill to swallow, so that is where my goals are heading. Detachment, boundaries, time.

[newton0]

Hi Paul, you posted a lot of great nuggets of information in your thread; thanks.

I've been in a similar sitch since 9/6. I got frustrated with my W's lack of progress/commitment and disengaged after we commenced dating for several months (and having a good time). She refused to come home, and whenever I tried to talk about R, I got a laundry list of complaints, the 'I'm lost' response, and a general lack on her part to do anything to move the ball forward.

I got tired of no sex/intimacy, and having to drive everything, so I started acting 'as-if' I was moving on with my life. This included getting a room-mate, buying a vehicle to replace the one she left with, and dating. I continued therapy during this time. This seemed to backfire and push her further away. At the beginning of this month, she said she 'panicked' and signed a 6-month apartment lease after the room she was renting became unavailable.

With that, I've decided to go completely dark. I've taken steps that reflect the reality that she is either incapable, or unwilling to work on R, and not interested in coming home. Last week she got a bit hostile when I asked her to spend the night.

I've been pondering signing-up for DB coaching, but not sure what insightful information they could provide other than either file a separation agreement or wait for her to do so, or emerge from her journey stating she's become 'un-lost'. I'm getting on with my life and not going to be simply sitting on the sidelines waiting for her. I can't guarantee I'll be in a position to take her back if she ever decides she wants to work on the R. In the meantime, I will continue therapy & working on myself. My plan is to perform an exhaustive post-mortem of what happened to our M & what errors I made in an attempt to learn/grow for future relationships.

[3boymom]

Paul - I think that you are doing a great job! You are going to have to communicate with your W. You have children and a shared business. There is no way that you can go NC.

I still talk to my H almost everyday. H reaches out to me way more than I reach out to him. I let him take the lead because I know that he is really only capable of reaching out when it is on his own time frame. It seemed like we were getting closer around the holidays, so I let my guard down a little. I sent my H two text/emails that were not able logistics and he did not responded to any of them. I just made a mental note not to reach out again and to continue on my journey.

I also recommend not venting to your friends about the situation. You need to process the emotions, but I think that you are safer talking about it to a therapist or just writing it down here or in an actual journal. I have yet to get good advice from anyone in real life. They all want me to feel better and think that if I just filed for D, all would magically be repaired. We all know that will not happen.

Your W asked for time and space. It is actually a gift for you as well. You don't need to make a decision today.

[paul19510]

Thanks all. I really appreciate that you took time to help me. As I read this I seem to see that moving on includes/ has included other people. I don't Personally like that idea. I'm not one to stray. I previously told W that. Prior to our physical separation and she confidently said she had no interest in Relationships at this time and was not even worried about other people. Still my mind worries. I can't. Control that so, I will just continue to focus on me.
Venting has just ramped up the hurt. Writing here or talking To c does not. Few people actually see what we're. Trying to do as making sense to them. We have a mentality in our culture that doesn't account for this very well. I will stand until I can't. Anymore. I find myself daydreaming of being able to chat with W or getting invited Onassis date. I wonder if seeing a positive will make it so.

On another note...I am starting to get nice looks and some flirting from women I see out in my community. Feels nice to be appreciated. I must be projecting a happy self. Sometimes I flirt back and practice. She has no idea what she's. Throwing away.....

[juliegayle]

Good for you! As they say "you are becoming the person only a fool would leave." And I guess only time can tell which WAS prove to be fools.

Just got caught up on your last few days. Sounds like you have figured some things out and are in a really good place.


The email contact is necessary and you handled that well. (I wish my H checked his email ever). One final word about venting to friends. If there is one silver lining to this mess it is that I really learned who has my back. I had 2 old friends that were slipping away. The fact that I confided this to them solidified our relationships. I also reached a point where I realized it was time to say enough about me but I now know who will really be tbere when I need them.

[paul19510]

Thanks Julie. I am getting to a place but still wish she'd. See. Patience. Time. More patience. And I control when this ride ends. I need to remember that now.