New here, similar stories to everyone else...

[2stubborn2quit]

The kids will be ok if he spends time with them while you're out. It would be that way if he moved out and they were with him.

[WB2014]

It's not that I think they won't be "ok" - although he lacks patience with them and is, in my opinion, too harsh at times - they are safe and nothing "bad" will happen. I just mean that I'm already going out every night to work out. He is in and out at a whim - I'm the only stable thing going right now. So when I'm not around, it's stressful on them - I've seen it. I would feel like I need to cut back on my working out should I start up some other thing... And I love my daily working out.

In any case, I just told him I have plans for Friday. He asked if this was "in revenge".....

[2stubborn2quit]

In revenge? Jeez passive aggressive much?

Well I hope you find the right balance for your stuff.

[WB2014]

Exactly. He's all for his space and solitude but has some smart Alec comment every time I want to do something.

[MrBond]

"Well, he was/is moping around being depressed and angry with the news of the delayed bonus."

So? I still don't see how that affects YOU directly.

"In this example, the nagging feeling that his depression was linked to the potential delay in divorcing me."

That's you mindreading.

"His withdrawness, coldness, unhappiness..."

Again, that's on him. YOU keep letting it bother you for some reason.

"I don't know why I try and bring anything up - it's never the response I am hoping for."

First off, stop bringing things up. I thought you read DB? Second, stop having expectations. You will always be disappointed in anything in life if you have expectations. You don't want someone to automatically "expect" you to do something or act a certain way, correct? Why should you think the same for others?

"He's getting ready to go out and drink with a divorced friend..."

And what are YOU doing?

"I admit, I have no idea what I'm doing or how to implement these changes or how to not let him, and his moods effect me."

His moods don't affect you. YOU affect you. You ALLOW these things to affect you.

Think about it this way. If he were a crazy person yelling the worst obscenities towards you, you wouldn't give it a second thought. You don't put weight behind the words. Yet because he's your H, his words suddenly hurt. You can change your perspective on this.

"I am seeing a therapist... But if I were out of the home more, I feel it would negatively impact the kids."

Again, who says GAL means to go out? Do something constructive, take a class online or take up a hobby that you let lag. Just do what YOU want to do.

[WB2014]

Ok. Yes. You are right right right. So HOW can I shut my brain off from these creeping feelings and insecurities and not let this stuff affect me? How do I remove the weight from the words?

[MrBond]

Don't worry about your thoughts right now. I can tell you that we've all done what you're going through.

What I did to cope was to visualize my W as that crazy person. When she would vent and say crazy things, I would imagine her as saying gibberish which I didn't believe (it was true I didn't believe alot of what she said because it wasn't true) and thought of her talking in that Charlie Brown adult voice...wah wah wah.

There were times I actually would stare at her and laugh. That stopped her and it made my perception of her much lighter.

[juliegayle]

Just got caught up on your sitch. I am sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to a lot of your story.

I had/have a hard time with the detaching/letting go while living in house with a depressed and angry WAS. It took a long time for me to figure out the letting go was really about me. Letting go of expectations about H and about myself. Letting go of allowing the things around me to control me. At first it was a mind game. H would say something mean and I would tell myself "Ok that was mean but that is just his opinion. I know that I am a good person. I am not going to be bothered. It must su@k for him to be in such a bad place that he needs to lash out etc etc"

After a while I found that his anger and negativity was happening around me and not to me and I didn't need my self pep talk anymore.

You have a lot of good things in place to help with stress and PMA (working out, meditation, therapy) keep it up!!

I hear you about giving your kids the stability. My s has severe anxiety and H coming and going and staying out all night has really not been good for his mood.

I feel I need to be a stable factor. I agree with Mr Bond. Your GAL activities don't always have to take you out if the house. I had gotten really into vegan cooking before BD but gave it up. I started experimenting again. It relaxes me and I am having fun again.

[WB2014]

" It must su@k for him to be in such a bad place that he needs to lash out etc etc""

I like this. He definitely is in a really bad place. You all have convinced me - I really need to address this. I mean, I knew all this, but I just keep getting lost. I guess it's a process... two steps forward and one step back.

Thanks for all the support MrBond and juliegayle.

Today I am really angry. Angry because he can just divorce me so easily and just go on with his life. We've already had a half-hearted (in anger) discussion about custody in the past. I know he'd be happy with one dinner night a week and every other weekend. He wouldn't require them in the summers - he wouldn't know what to do with them! So I am left alone to deal with my son's disabilities, my teenagers drama and all the stuff that we deal with, with my other son. Let me tell you, I love my children like no other - but it takes a two person team to deal with all that we deal with - and I could never, ever walk away from that. I am so so pissed that he can.

I also kind of pity him right now. He's moping around, depressed, oh poor me, I can't get the divorce because of money. Oh, poor me, I have a horrible life because I have a wife who is committed and will do anything to figure something out, including just accepting all his allegations as fact, not fighting it or turning it on him and just working on it. Oh poor me, I have great kids that need me & love me. Are you kidding me?

This morning we had two of our kids causing just random kid trouble, and I was left to deal with it on my own while he just sat and stared off, sitting on the couch.

Today, I am just absolutely fed up that he can forget (and deny it happened!) all the good laughter, fun times and bonding and just sulk around, barely exist and never look inward or at himself, or even consider what he has done to contribute to this, even in the smallest amount. I am so pissed that these new friends, that he's had maybe 2 years get the best him and unintentionally or not, convinced him that single life is where it's at. Fed up that he waited so long to tell me all that he's saying he's stuffed inside for the entirety of our relationship so this never had a chance to be addressed. Fed up that I have nothing to fall back on career wise, and he can waltz off with his 6 figure salary that we really built together and I will be in near poverty. Fed up that in the last year he never really gave a good effort to any of this - working on us, working on him.

Today, I am just done. Just done with all of this. But, I can't just walk away. I don't believe in walking away. Not because of any religious obligations - but I made a commitment and I just don't think it's ethical. And I am upset that I just have to wait around for him to decide he has the money to divorce me. I get no say, even though we entered into this together, he can leave on his own?? That's just wrong.

I am so mad that he's warped into some other person who I can barely relate to and struggle to even like... but I hold on, hoping that if he flipped once, he can flip back...

I don't know. I'm a mess. This is so unfair - and I know life is unfair...

[WB2014]

And I know that everyone here has probably had these same feelings and I just need to get over it. It's just a bad day, with all of this.