I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday! I did despite my sitch! H and I had what I consider to be a wonderful NYE. We did not go out but we spent time together, played darts, listened to music, reminisced, danced (which is VERY out of character for H) and ML. Since then, H has been slowly pulling away and as of this morning have an update....H finally BD'd.
H said he wanted to talk to me, that he hasn't been completely honest (yeah, already knew that!). He "says" he has been seeing ow since he came home in 2011. I do not believe this. Last BD, he told me he had been seeing ow for a year and then told me it had only been a couple of months. I think it makes him feel better to say/eases his guilt that it has been longer. But, who knows as he is a very skilled liar...always has been.
"Says" he cares for both of us, knows it is wrong...blah, blah, blah...says he wants to talk to kids...says he will not "disappear" this time as he did the first time...wants to help out with splitting wood etc. Says he is not leaving right away but implied that it was inevitable.
I listened...validated and then I talked! I know, not supposed to but I don't care...it felt like my last act of kindness/love to him...he did not get upset...shed a tear...maybe 2...gave me a hug...I had to go to work after that...again..."says" he knows it is wrong and not fair to any of us....
Told him that I feared for him...that he was running away again instead of figuring out what was making him so unhappy...told him that even though I know he does not believe in counselors that I hoped he would see one someday. Tpld him that I know he fears dying young as he has already outlived both his parents and that I felt he was alive but not really living...that I hoped and prayed he would find happiness within someday. I don't care...it is how I feel...it was said in a gentle and lovng way. I do feel that he is sooo worried about dying young and has been (his mother dies when we were dating and his father died of cancer before I met H)...he got M to his first wife because she was pg and then she had several A's on him until they finally D'd....anyway, he might as well die as he is wasting the life that God has bestowed upon him! I know, not my problem....I also mentioned that when he came home he spoke of how weird OW was...how she lived on sleeping pills and got him to take them, didn't approve of him drinking beer etc. He said that yes, she is hooked on Ambien but that he "chose" to not drink beer but that he could if he wanted to. Also, she is of a pentecostcal faith which is SOOOO opposite of where H is!
At this point, I am not sure where I stand...it seems different this time...don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing....in the beginning, I came to the boards for hope that I could have a restored marriage...now, I am not sure what I am wanting. I do believe and always will believe that H and I were meant to be but the last 12yrs have been a challenge...(H quit his job of 20yrs and had a brief A in 2000...SS graduated highschool and went into the Marines and was sent to Iraq in 2001 for "shock and awe"...H has not been the same since....it seems he is stuck in the tunnel and I fear that he will never emerge.
When the BD happened in 2009, I came to the boards for hope that my M could be restored...not sure what I am looking for now....I know that a lot of you are here for the same reason and that is why I have hesitated to post an update!
I have been advised to set STRONG boundaries (on another board) this time....I just have to decide if I can be at peace with where those boundaries might lead me!
BD-Aug 2009 OW Confirmed H moves out Dec 2009 D filed by H-Mar 2010 H asks to come home April 2011 BD AGAIN 1-15-2014! H seeing FOW! H ran away again! 1-18-2014
