Me 15 months on - standing - detaching

[Laurie]

Let me know, OK?

[hotwheelsaust]

HWA,

In my case, I never did acknowledge the OW. It is about you and the W. The key thing in your interactions with W going forward is friendly and cordial. She's made her choice and needs to live with it for a while.

The main focus is rebuilding your relationship with your sons. It is about making them happy, feeling valued, and being able to trust you once again. What does that look like to you? Dig deep and you'll see the answers right inside you all along.

Thanks also Wonka. I understand what you are saying and it is quite a good way of thinking/doing. The only time I mentioned the OW to the W, was when I asked about the relationship way back in June. Nothing since then. So I will play it that way, no acknowledging of the OW.

With regards to the sons, yes that is my focus. While I felt that I was valuing them, I accept by talking occassionally about the W, I was devaluing them instead. So no W talk (I have mentioned that already). The trust and happiness I believe will come from showing them I value them better by doing no W talk. I already validate them as much as possible, let them know how proud I am of their achievements. While I have always been talking about having my head held high in this sitch for the boys, in all honesty, I haven't shown them that attitude. So now I need to.

Thanks Wonka.

Laurie, will put the reply or no reply on here.

[Wonka]

HWA,

Your actions and words have to be congruent. This is how trust is earned.

[hotwheelsaust]

Yes Wonka, I need to be better at this. I will focus on being congruent. I even looked it up :-)

[Laurie]

I will keep a watch out.

[hotwheelsaust]

MIL contacted me via facebook and is coming around tomorrow to have a chat.....scary music time...

[Wonka]

HWA,

Keep your head screwed on straight and be light & breezy with MIL. Talk about your sons, your job, etc. If MIL brings up W, just listen and validate. You've got this!

[hotwheelsaust]

Thank you Wonka for your caring. Yes I think I will have this. I will do my best to listen and validate. She is a hard woman, very tough, but I will do what I can.
I do think it is funny, that I mentioned, once you talk to one member of the family, the info goes to them all. So here I am finally talking to SIL last Sunday and now the MIL wants to chat. Mmmmm.

[hotwheelsaust]

Well that was so much fun. Yes, as I believed it was always about me and what I did wrong.
MIL issues:
* I lied to her about the job transfer location.
- I explained 1. the boys needed to know first 2. It wasn't 100% guaranteed 3. why would I need or want to tell her after 6 months of no communication
* I am/was selfish over the whole splitting of assets.
- Sorry to say folks, I started to lose it. I did keep my voice calm I did try to validate, but I had to stand up for myself here.
- This is where the family (mil) is a joke sometimes. I told her firstly, I don't need to explain myself to her, but I will. I explained calmly that I haven't fought the W on any issue with splitting the assets. All I have done is agreed to everything she wanted/not wanted. In the MIL's opinion I should have told her (W) how unfair that is/was and renegotiated the deal. WTF.
- She asked "well what would you say if W wanted to change things now?". I answered back that would be between W and I.
- Anyway bottom dollar, she walked out of the house saying I am still a selfish bastard that hasn't changed and no wonder W won't go back and she (W) is quite right in her ways to be with this other woman, who by the way isn't in a relationship with W. Another WTF?
Total time here 20mins.
So the whole conversation meeting was to have a go at me and truth be known, to request me to allow the W to have the townhouse (investment property) to come back to next year.
And the MIL doesn't want to speak to me ever again, because in case you didn't hear, I am SELFISH.

[planet]

hotwheelsaust,
It's almost always WTF with the WAS's family. LBS is the one to blame. Well, what can you do if they prefer to nibble at the 'speck of dust in your eye'?
I can empathize.