WANT TO COAST ON FLAT LAND

[Ambivalent]

This check was from another acct., so I don't know the deal on it. I really could care less right now... could be denial or just I'm at peace... I'm not too worried about anything getting cut off. I have enough stashed now that I'll be okay. The practical got pushed to the 29th, which I'm sort of glad.

Thanks for the heads up. I've dropped the rope, and it is liberating. I'm going to cut back down to my normal dosage of Zoloft, just to see if it is me, or the AD. This is the perfect time to try.

This has been a place of comfort, refuge, and support. Thank you and all that have been actively interacting. For those of you who haven't posted, give it a go. This is group therapy at the best price. I hope my cycles and my posts have helped others. I'm not disappearing , but I am focusing a bit elsewhere. I'm allowing a bit of joy to enter my life, enjoying time with what's left of my family, working out and setting more goals.

I have not cried in quite some time. I do at touching movies, and love shared by my peeps. I just don't cry over the death of my marriage anymore. Venting and allowing myself to feel has helped exponentially.

Research is one way I've coped with this traumatic time for me. I stepped back and began to log/journal events, along with cognitively being self-aware of my behavior/reactions . This allowed for some sanity in myself while the insanity I was thrust into played and is still playing out.

I researched areas where I thought I would benefit from growth. I stepped out of my zone of comfort and pushed myself to take risks, humbled myself, gave love unconditionally and still do.

I can only hope one day he will see what damage he reaped on our family, and forgive himself, grow... but most of all apologize to the two beautiful daughters we created. They deserved much more than this. They deserved to live life without the anxiety for which he has contributed to women who already have enough issues of their own with which to deal.

I am fortunate, for I have written accounts of our marital history. I have cards, letters, and documentation from experts that tell me my account was real. The rewritten version, the omitted version may be his perception... but not a reality.

I accept the responsibility for areas which may have been improved. I forgive the areas for which he needed to give and his humanity. We are two fallible beings, and we made it to 33 years, in a situation where the odds were against us. In a time, when people run for far less . I have memories that are precious, and golden. I have memories of hurt and pain. I have MEMORIES of loving.