Finally H moved out after he dropped the bomb nine month ago. H claims not being loved for so many years and now he wants divorce.
So far he came back home every night after picking up kids from school. While I was cooking dinner, he did his own stuffs on his computer or iphone. Then after the kids went to bed, H left. Every morning I dropped off the kids to school. But I know finally H will not come home every day; he already suggested to take the kids to his apartment with him for three days a week and then he does not need to come back for another four days.
I asked H about the reason for moving out because the apartment rental will cost us a lot of money; He replied since you don't agree to divorce, I have to move out. No couple who want to divorce still stay together. Our house has an extra bedroom and he can stay there which can save us a lot of money, but he doesn't want to. Anybody here can help me understand what is in his mind?
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
I'm so sorry your going through this. Trying to figure out what's going on in his head will not only fail, you'll go nuts and be hurt. You need to detach for your own sanity.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Give him his space. That's all you can do. GAL as everyone mentions here! Hang in there. At least in my situation, in-house separation has been very difficult with H not really getting the space that he wants/needs. So there is maybe a positive?
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
Thank you all for your inputs. I really appreciate your support.
Yes, at the beginning when he dropped the bomb, he claims that he needs space and privacy, but still we had some conversations and shared our thoughts as normal couple. But gradually we separated to different rooms and he cut off our conversations except things for the kids. During the past couple months, periodically he was gone for couple days without telling us where he was. I feel he is more and more distant. When I tried to detach from him, he is detaching from me more.
Now he moved out, he seems more firm about the divorce. Maybe less responsibilities for kids and family makes him feel more freedom?
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
"He replied since you don't agree to divorce, I have to move out. No couple who want to divorce still stay together. Our house has an extra bedroom and he can stay there which can save us a lot of money, but he doesn't want to. Anybody here can help me understand what is in his mind?"
There's no sense in trying to figure out what HE is thinking. He probably doesn't even know himself. Notice how he continues to blame YOU for how unhappy he is? Don't keep taking it.
The next time he starts blaming you for something, like it's YOUR fault he "has" to move out because you don't want a divorce, hold your hand up and in a firm tone tell him that he cannot blame you for not wanting to pursue a D. Tell him that you've never stopped him from pursuing it on his own and that he will not continue to blame you for his unhappiness.
Then walk off.
He's trying to reduce the size of the guilt that he feels by blaming you.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
MrBond, thank you for always giving me good points. And thank you WB, Djhartm, 2stubbon2quit for your kind support. Yes, I should avoid to give him chance to blame on me.
I also would like to share one of my mistake which I made when I dealt with my WAH. Never never argue with them. From my experiences, the more I argued, the more he blame on me, and the more resentful he is. So I figured out it is no use if I try to convince him that D will hurt our family, our kids and even him.
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
How to set up boundary with moved out husband? This is the question I have been asking since H decided to move out. But still I don't know how to do it.
Before H moved out, he promised that he will take care of kids every night until they go to bed, cook dinner for kids every other night and spend the weekend with them. But apparently he couldn't comply with what he promised.
Though H came back every night, most time he just picked up the kids from school and then did his own things at home. I cooked the dinner, fed the kids, helped their homework and washed the kids. All what H did is eating dinner, washing dishes and helping homework only when requested by kids or me. Otherwise he just sat there until kids went to bed. Last night he even left earlier before the kids went to bed. During weekend he was only there on Saturday. He claimed that he needed to work on Sunday.
I asked him why he couldn't do what he promised? He replied that he needs to work overtime. He also said that he can take care of the kids by himself if I agree to divorce and split the child custody 50/50 every week. But I know he will just let kids eat more fast food and watch more ipad. They will not finish all their homework. H won't have much time to take care of the kids. But H didn't see the problem.
What should I do?
M 18 yrs 5 & 7 yrs old kids H DB in 4/2013 H moved out in 11/2013
I know its difficult Bc I do ittoo. Try not to see the future or mind read. You can't. Predict 100% accurately what H will or will not do with kids. Things change...people change. Might surprise you. You can only work on your side of this. Again still doing this for myself. I'm. No expert.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Boundaries with WAS's are tricky. Usually they're related to what you're not going to let the WAS do versus what you want him to do. IE, you can set a boundary where you refuse to let him yell at you, and as a consequence you can tell him you will leave the room, or cut contact with him for a length of time, or even file a restraining order. That's an enforceable boundary.
But if you want him to do something- mow the yard, fix something, or in your case take care of the kids, it's hard to set an enforceable boundary with consequence for things like that. You know your H better than we do, so let me ask you, can you think of an appropriate consequence to apply if he doesn't do what he says, a consequence that will make him want to do it? Something like limiting access to the kids, stopping him from coming and going in the house as he pleases, or cutting contact with him. Some WAS's would see those things as positive, because they WANT to distance themselves from the family anyway. So those consequences would have the opposite effect for some WAS's. That's why I say it's tricky.
