The answer is yes, it's a deal breaker. I didn't sign up for this to be alone at night and I'd rather be with a person who wants to be a part of my life.
I think perhaps you misunderstood my comment, I wasn't saying that living as a married couple in separate homes is something you should accept forever, I was saying that if your W thinks that she wants that -right now- then don't fight her on it, look at it as the first step in eventually reconciling under the same roof. Keep in mind that WAS's constantly change their minds, so today she may want that, but tomorrow or next week or next month she may be ready to move back in together.
And you're right, you need to learn to be happy by yourself and ALONE before you can successfully reconcile. If you're not happy alone, then you're putting too much pressure on your W to make you happy. Too much codependence is unhealthy. Have you read No More Mister Nice Guy? It gets into codependence and how to break those bonds and it gives techniques to help you learn to be happy by yourself.
I think perhaps you misunderstood my comment, I wasn't saying that living as a married couple in separate homes is something you should accept forever, I was saying that if your W thinks that she wants that -right now- then don't fight her on it, look at it as the first step in eventually reconciling under the same roof. Keep in mind that WAS's constantly change their minds, so today she may want that, but tomorrow or next week or next month she may be ready to move back in together.
Then yes I totally misunderstood you LOL! It's not a deal breaker that she can't come back yet...With time her feelings for me have cleared up so her feelings about living together may do that as well. But unfortunately this will take a long time I think.
I did read No More Mr. Nice Guy and it's changed my perspective quite a bit.
Originally Posted By: Melissag
Does this change your desire to want to be with your W? Would you be just as happy (or happier) if you found someone new, or am I reading too much into what you are saying?
You're not reading *too* much into this. I'm currently going nuts as I seem to be following two roads in my head at the same time. I no longer suffer from what people call "one-ism". I don't believe she's the only one for me....yet I still love her regardless of what she's caused me.
I will be happy and whole again; I hope she'll be part of my future but I don't really need her to be the one anymore. It's very hard to explain, people get annoyed at me for saying that.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Slightly off topic rant. My biggest pet peeve about Facebook these days is the constant spam women post with these memes about how men don't deserve women unless they do x y z and appreciate them for this and that...it's like a slap in the face sometimes. I keep reading them and think "I thought I was doing that".
Perhaps I should start making some of my own saying "when someone spent a decade and a half with you...obviously loves you and you aren't happy, try not being such a self-centered prick and give them the dignity of trying to make it work. Maybe even try talking to him about it instead of your stupid friends."
End rant. Yesterday's little phone conversation hit me harder than I thought it did; good thing I kept busy last night.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Slightly off topic rant. My biggest pet peeve about Facebook these days is the constant spam women post with these memes about how men don't deserve women unless they do x y z and appreciate them for this and that...it's like a slap in the face sometimes. I keep reading them and think "I thought I was doing that".
Perhaps I should start making some of my own saying "when someone spent a decade and a half with you...obviously loves you and you aren't happy, try not being such a self-centered prick and give them the dignity of trying to make it work. Maybe even try talking to him about it instead of your stupid friends."
End rant. Yesterday's little phone conversation hit me harder than I thought it did; good thing I kept busy last night.
OK, I pinned one of those someecards on Pinterest last night that you might like. It says, "Holy crap! Did you just feel that? I think the whole world just revolved around YOU!"
Fine, so it's a little bitter. But it made me laugh.
I know how you feel - I get it, really. But I wouldn't get too worked up about reading that kind of stuff. I think it's often just a way to let off steam. I try to give my H the benefit of the doubt with this stuff (for example, he bitched to someone about having to pay for a house he "doesn't even get to live in" - ooh it still makes smoke come out of my ears) because I know I have said many things to my friends which I know could give someone who doesn't know what I am thinking the completely wrong idea about me, who I am, and how I feel. For example, I asked a friend, "if H actually does D me, will you set me up with your business partner?" I was SO completely kidding. I have also said bitter things, like I'm gonna kick my H in the balls, I'm better off without his whiny ass, and all sorts of other crap that I don't really mean, but am just expressing frustration and hurt.
Just a little perspective.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
LOL! See the problem is, she's not the one posting this stuff otherwise I would have told her to stuff it and unfriended her. It's all kinds of people and it's one of those things that seem nice but every time I read them it's like people are trying to explain how I failed. blech.
Thanks for the perspective!
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
OMG M. Your comments about not being nice while they were there and maybe wanting who they used to be or who we wanted them to be.....that's me too!
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
"when someone spent a decade and a half with you...obviously loves you and you aren't happy, try not being such a self-centered prick and give them the dignity of trying to make it work. Maybe even try talking to him about it instead of your stupid friends."
Ha! I would Definitely share, pin, tweet and Instagram this meme!
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
Sorry to hear that. Me too…not necessarily bad, but I realized I'm a few steps further back than I thought I was. She told me that when she would be working near my office she'd let me know and we'd have lunch. I since learned she'd been several times and didn't give a **** enough to follow up. I'm being strung along. I don't like it.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
