Ugh! This has to be torture, living with the WAS- it's horrible being alone in the house, but it does/will make it easier for detaching if they aren't around you all the time.
I'm new here, but I'd say you gotta let him stew. Sounds to me his issue isn't with you as much as with his job. You can't help that. I'm a control freak, too, and I KNOW it's nearly impossible to sit back and let someone twist in the wind when there's a better solution right in front of them...
You said yourself, keep DBing. It's the most you can do right now. Continue as if he never got upset.
Good luck!!!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
When H is "going through something" whether it's about me or not - how do I act? I'm a fixer, and typically I would try and be there and offer help and advice. Seems like he just "wants to be in a bad mood" so do I just ignore it and let him go through his thing? I struggle with him thinking I don't care - since his impression of our relationship is in such (unfair) negative absolutes. "Always cold and withdrawn" "never there for me"
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
Very tough question. On the one hand we're supposed to give them time and space, but on the other hand you do not want to appear cold and distant. Since you're under the same roof I would suggest just letting him know you're there if he needs you, so don't say things like "what's wrong" (because he'll just reply "nothing") but instead say things like "you seem a little down today, let me know if you need anything". Statements like that are good because they require no response, you can say it and go right back to what you were doing and it's up to HIM if he wants to ask for anything, and when.
I agree with AS- I think another poster on here who is a WAS mentioned the WAS will cycle through a lot of anger, especially when they start to see the very changes they wanted to see for so long. Like, why NOW? I think it may be insulting on some level. I actually can totally see this line of thinking and will be trying to remember it when I see in in my H.
As my DB coach said, they will test to make sure the changes are real, and we need to keep going and ignore it as best we can.
So, keep making your changes! Stay on it!
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
Thanks, that's a good point. I do think I need to reword a lot of what I say. Like last night, later, he was stewing about and not talking to me... I was getting ready for bed and I knew he was heading to do that soon... Normally we would still say goodnight to each other and it was obvious he wasn't going to... So I said, "are you not talking to me now?" To which he replied in a frustrated tone "I'm just in a bad mood!"
I probably put him on the defensive and turned the focus on me... Not intentional, but none the less....
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
Remember: He's the one who "left", he's the one who needs to come back.
I love this and trying to keep this in my focus. The problem is that he doesn't see himself as the one who left, really. Or the one with the problem I guess I should say. He's quite solid in the fact that he "is a product of" what I made him. He's broken and changed as a person because of my 100% cold, neglectful ways for our entire relationship. Not because of the mom who abandoned him as a teen, or the dad who physically abused him. He keeps telling me that I made this monster and "you reap what you sow". He will, on occasion, apologize for a specific instance when his behavior is bad or over the top - but for the most part he is filled with cold, dark anger towards me. Doesn't even acknowledge some of the violent anger of his we've had to deal with over the years (not violent to me or the kids, but property and items) that may have contributed to some of MY withdrawal.
I feel like it's not a coincidence that this started right after a bad visit with his mom and step dad. I was out of town and wasn't there to deflect or defuse. He hasn't spoken to his mom since....
Anyway, how do you handle being the brunt of all that is wrong in the world?
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
H just texted me that he needs to go to his gym tonight because he is feeling super depressed. I texted back "ok no problem" and then followed with "I know you don't want to talk to me about it and I am trying to give you your space (and I don't want that to come off as uninterested or uncaring) but please know I am here if you want to talk"
And left it at that. He didn't respond.
Was that ok?
I am trying not to freak out and mind read that he's upset because he's stuck... But that's what I'm feeling.
Me, 39. H, 35. 3 boys - 13, 11, 9 - 1 w/ multiple disabilities BD Dec 2012 Sort of a quasi in-house sep Nov 2013
