MLC or not - know your rights, protect yourself

[wishing, hoping]

(((GM)))

These guys are so money-driven it's sickening. They try to hide their true colors, but they eventually shine through.

Hang on tight and stick to your guns. These poor babies are victims of their own demise. They just don't get it yet. And maybe never will.

WH

[FloydMan]

Just poking in for two reasons.
First: ((((GM))))!!!! You will do this. You are strong and confident. You have such support behind you. There will be ups and downs through this process. Just do what you need to do. It will work out for you. Mediation is best, and he should kick in his share. Hopefully that can get agreed to. He will be saving money doing it this way. Mediator should suggest that.

Second: have noticed some gender bashing. MLC does not discriminate between genders. Nor does money-driven mindsets or selfishness. Women get hurt. Men get hurt. We are in this together. Take what you want from that but I am hopeful that empathy is not gender biased. I don't think it is generally, and hope I am right.

[golf mom]

Thanks for the support, fm. I really appreciate it. I haven't noticed any gender bashing by anyone posting on my thread. The majority of those posting to me are women and we have unfortunately experienced similar and very hurtful behavior, but I believe we all realize that the MLCer can be male or female and certainly one man's behavior doesn't represent the gender as a whole.

[golf mom]

Well, the cat's out of the bag. Xh's antics today triggered a response from me that I wish I would have had the courage to send months ago. He now knows that I have prepared a very damaging paper trail. I feel such relief. He would be incredibly foolish to not walk away and hope that what I have never makes it into a courtroom.

I realize that my suggestion to mediate was fear-based. Even though I feel very confident heading to trial it's not the experience I want to have. However, if I don't proceed than I will further enable xh and his behavior which has been incredibly devastating, both emotionally and financially. Avoiding the scary path at all costs has been my mo. I'm not going to do that anymore.

[AJM]

Careful GM. Don't let emotions get in the way of what you need to do to finish in your favor.

I am very happy to see you thinking of when this is over. That's a great way to look at things, but be careful to not lose sight of what is going on. You need both to see this through.

There will be emotions mixed into this. On both sides. Take that into account when you plan your way forward. You know what he's about. You know you could take him apart and make him pay. But good for you for realizing you need this to be done and that although you have the nuke, you don't want to use it. You will if you have to, I know that, but it's not what you want.

Nor should it be, really.

Stick with it. It will continue to get better even if there are some bumps along the way.

AJ

[golf mom]

AJ, maybe you don't realize it, but your response perpetuates the stereotype that women are emotional and don't think clearly. I'm going to assume that you did not intend that, but wanted you to be aware of my reaction to your words. You might consider what your belief actually is and whether that contributed to the breakdown of your marriage.

I have no interest in taking my xh "apart and making him pay." However, I will stand up for myself and hold others accountable for their behavior. It's ok for me to feel angry, but that doesn't define who I am. For a long time I struggled to hold onto feelings of compassion for my xh. I felt ashamed if I felt anything different. That's wrong. I carried a terrible burden and was harming myself by suppressing healthy emotions. I won't do that anymore. I know my own heart. Feeling angry about being harmed does not make me any less loving or compassionate.

[T-boned]

I have no interest in taking my xh "apart and making him pay." However, I will stand up for myself and hold others accountable for their behavior. It's ok for me to feel angry, but that doesn't define who I am. For a long time I struggled to hold onto feelings of compassion for my xh. I felt ashamed if I felt anything different. That's wrong. I carried a terrible burden and was harming myself by suppressing healthy emotions. I won't do that anymore. I know my own heart. Feeling angry about being harmed does not make me any less loving or compassionate.

Wow,GM, wise and powerful.

I've just read the last couple of pages of your thread and am so impressed by your actions of late. Way to go! And I wish you all the strength and character you can muster to get through to the end. Sounds like you have firm control on this, especially since you let your xH in on what you have as ammo.

Yes, do what you must in order to protect yourself, your dignity, and your future life.

Godspeed and love to you.

[beatrice]

Yes, worth remembering that fear is an emotion, and that the trauma of MLC helps to engender this sense of fear.

I know that fear as well as compassion and love, has stopped me, at times, from doing what is in my rational self interest.

I also believe that bullies 'smell' fear. When women are fearless they often negatively perceived by men as hostile or angry (and I do not think I am being sexist here) Bullies can be male or female, and poor behaviour occurs in both sexes. However, I have noticed that simply standing up for ourselves often often evokes a negative response in men. The same behaviour in another man seems to be treated less negatively.

If I am wrong here, I apologise.

[FloydMan]

Well, I am a man and have been bullied and abused (on all fronts) for a long long time and took me a long time to admit that openly for fear of the stigma. Either way, I stood up for myself legally and personally and slowly am being liberated. You see most commonly men fear admitting they are bullied, abused and controlled so they give up easily...ie custody, financials etc. Sadly, it is most common that the man takes their own life when there is these breakdowns because of shame, being bullied and being made to feel inadequate and a failure. I learned all of this, and more from 2 IC's (both female, very experienced psychologists) and was coached not to fear the stigma and sterotypes but rather that females and males can both be bullies as much as the other. They also explained that the days of the 'non-involved' father are long gone but men still wither in litigation, however the courts are slowly evolving and recognizing that women and men equally share the responsibilty of raising the children, have equal rights to financials and lifestyle and men and women can equally be wronged. I stood up for myself and exW looked foolish in first round of court and I got the custody the way it should be...equitably. Just being bullied about the $ now, so that battle is ongoing. GM should be and is applauded for her standing up to the bully and for her rights as a 'Person', not because of gender. Each case has its own merits, situations and nuances.
Mediation is best, but when there is a bully that litigates to put fear in the other party ( I agree, they smell fear ) there is no choice unfortunately than to stand up for yourself and protect one's dignity. The negative 'sense of entitlement' runs on both sides. Her L has had a tough time with my exW in trying to get her to think rationally and close this up because her mindset is still sense of entitlement and has stalled the process.
So, GM you keep pushing for what your rights are and fight the bully and be proud of who you are. He is a jerk, but so is my exW. You're awesome.

[BklynMom]

My xH and I eventually went to mediation and I got the short end of the stick. I don't really regret going because I didnt have the guts to stand up for myself, it would have been way too emotional for me to take this to court.

Basically we had been the entire agreement almost done and just going back and forth between 2 or 3 years of maintenance. Then my xH comes into the meeting, what we think will be the last meeting before we sign this document and says "I crunched the numbers and I cant afford to pay you any maintenance" I was [censored]. The mediator was impartial so he couldnt call my xh out on his douche behavior. I agreed to to no maintenance, signed the next week and washed my hands of my xH.

But yeah giving up a year of my kids college tuition does hurt.

My father who was my lawyer says that woman should only go to mediation if they want to give something up.

You confidence and fortitude are awesome. I definitely think you are doing the right thing for your kids. They will know the truth soon enough and know what their mom did for them.

I totally respect what you are doing.