Afraid I have waited too long

[nit84]

All in all it was pretty quiet weekend. Did some GALing, continued to do things around the house and didn't backslide at all.

Saw MC yesterday. I am to continue to observe what is going on but not tear it down and think too much. I am doing a decent job at this. One thing that is bothering me though.

Yesterday I screwed up the TV by hitting the wrong buttons. I tried and tried to fix it myself but couldn't. I went upstairs and told the W about this and asked if she knew what to do. To my surprise she stopped cooking her dinner and came down and corrected the problem. I asked what she did, she told me, and I thanked her.

While she was messing around I had this feeling come over me like I wanted to or should try to strike up a conversation. It didn't take long for her to fix the problem so my opportunity went away quickly. I always want to talk to her but for some reason the feeling was different this time. I felt connected to her.

When she came home earlier the door was locked and she knocked for me to open it. This is a new thing because other times she would set things down and get out a her key and do it herself. Also, she has taken to cleaning the house without me starting to do it first. We aren't helping each other but are cleaning different parts of the home at the same time.

Then it is back to shutting the bedroom door when I am near and no talking or interacting again. Although, I had to speak with her about a bill so I knocked on the door but didn't open it. She asked what I needed I told her and left it at that. Her voice sounded as if she might be sobbing.

[nit84]

A thought just occurred to me.

I have moved back to the marital home. I am doing what I told myself I would. Cleaning the house, preparing for some upgrades, GALing, letting wife have her space and trying some 180's.

If the wife loses her source of income in a few weeks, I will have to pick up the financial slack. She is very involved in the gym that she goes to. Any normal job with commute time will play havoc with her routine at the gym, I believe this is hampering her job search. I am not positive of this because there is not much communication between us so I am just guessing.

While I work 40-50 hours per week, I still find time to go work out, and still do things around the house, but not everyday twice a day like my W. I have no physical proof of an A but by just observing there is a strong possibility of at least an EA and most likely a PA. I also believe this hampering the job search.

Not sure if my W suspects I know or not again no communication

My issue is how to handle these situations?

While I need to pick up more of the bill paying to keep the household running. My W for lack of a better term gets to "mooch" off me sort of. If we were still together this is not even considered a problem.

But since we are technically S. The wife gets to do whatever she feels like, Gym two times a day, food, possible A, roof over her head and I have to take it.

Is she thinking about me like I am an idiot because I might have feeling about an A but am not confronting and as long as he is paying I might as well stay and are other people looking at me and saying he is crazy doesn't he see what is going on?

In reality I am not naïve, I just love my W and want her to come back.

I understand from reading DR that all the work is on me. I have been doing all those things. IMC, GAL, 180's, How then am I to handle a situation where all these possibly aren't working or won't work.

I can continue doing all things indefinitely. It just seems like right now my W is not having to deal with any of the consequences of being a WAW. She said she has no money to file for D. Without a job she certainly won't have the money so I guess my question is. Is there a way to make S life a little more uncomfortable for her and it not be considered going against DBing principles?

I feel like the W is cake-eating and I am allowing it to happen is this normal to feel this way

[nit84]

By continuing to do things indefinitely I mean, I can keep trying different 180's if one is not working. I can keep going to IMC and GAL.

I am much happier with myself than I was 7 months ago because I am DBing and also because I am back at home.

It is just hard to understand my WAW. I am standing for my M and will continue to do so but some times even though I love her with all my heart. I wonder if it is better to D then Pray down the road that she then realizes what a mistake it was to walk away. If I am there for her at that time maybe we could start anew.

My gut tells me this is not the direction to go but it is an internal battle I have at some points with myself

[AnotherStander]

If the wife loses her source of income in a few weeks, I will have to pick up the financial slack.

"If" implies that currently she still has her income, and that she may or may not lose it? I'm not sure I'd worry about it until it happens.

She is very involved in the gym that she goes to.

What is it about that that bothers you? WAS's all push away from the LBS, that's just part of it. They isolate themselves in different ways. Some party and drink the nights away. Some climb into OP's bed every night. Some go on wild spending sprees. Frankly getting involved in a gym sounds pretty good compared to the alternatives.

While I need to pick up more of the bill paying to keep the household running. My W for lack of a better term gets to "mooch" off me sort of. If we were still together this is not even considered a problem.

While you both live under the same roof there's going to be blending of assets, I wouldn't consider it mooching unless she's not contributing anything.

But since we are technically S. The wife gets to do whatever she feels like, Gym two times a day, food, possible A, roof over her head and I have to take it.

You don't have to take it, you can move out again. But if your overall goal is saving the M, I think you need to stay put and learn to accept things as they are for now.

I understand from reading DR that all the work is on me. I have been doing all those things. IMC, GAL, 180's, How then am I to handle a situation where all these possibly aren't working or won't work.

GAL and 180's are as much for you as they are for saving your M. Even if you don't save the M you still emerge a better person, and more prepared for your next R. As for whether they're "working", you have no way of knowing. Most WAS's don't recover slowly. Just like it seemed like a switch was flipped at BD, so it often seems when they come back. It's practically an overnight change. They can be cold and distant and uncaring for a year and then suddenly they talk your arm off for 6 hours about how they've changed their minds and want to work on things. It's very unpredictable.

It just seems like right now my W is not having to deal with any of the consequences of being a WAW.

You don't know what's going on inside her. 7 months after BD my W seemed completely happy with living on her own, but then she disclosed to me that she was crying in private every day because she was hurting and confused. Don't assume your W is enjoying being a WAS, she probably isn't.

[nit84]

AS, Thanks for the thoughts!!

When talking about my W losing her income. That is just being aware that I need to have a plan in place if this happens.

Being involved in the gym is a very good thing, she has lost over 70lbs in about a year. Only problem is it take time and dedication which is what she is doing but I don't think she is looking for job very hard.

I work out and still work 40-50 hrs/week. My progress at the gym is slower than hers because I am doing other things(bringing income to the household) besides just the gym. I still have lost 35lbs and I am pretty happy about that. If we were still together and S never happened this would be a totally different story. We could overcome a job loss together and things would work out.

The reason she goes to the gym so much also could be a possible A. No concrete proof but signs sorta point to it. I am choosing to let it go for now till I have a better handle on this.

The "mooching" comes in if she loses her income source and doesn't honestly try to find work. She has passed up opportunities to go back to a previous job but the commute time would affect her time at the gym.

I am "taking" the fact that she has more free time than me but I just don't want to be taken advantage of. At some point shouldn't she want to bringing in her own money? After all she thought I was controlling in our M. With me paying the bills is that not controlling the situation?

You are correct that I don't know what she is going through. A couple months back she did mention that I have no idea how lonely she was after I moved out but she had our dog at least. Our dog then Passed away and she said that she was lonely all over again but I wasn't in the house. so it was worse this time. I tried to validate her feelings. I think I did but it didn't change anything.

Now that I have moved back I feel I just have to observe what is going on and act from there. The only problem is knowing how to act in a certain situation if it comes up so that I don't push her away any further than she is already.

I just wish she would at least talk to me a little . Not about the R, not about her life or my life. Just normal everyday small talk.

I mentioned to her that my Uncle is pretty sick on Monday she said she was sorry to hear I said thanks. This morning I mentioned my Aunt had to be put in a nursing home to recover and I got nothing.

These are family members she cared dearly for just 8 months ago. I'm not looking for sympathy here just keeping her up to date on people she loved or maybe still loves idk.

Maybe I am taking these instances a little too personal but my W has never been an uncaring person to anybody, not even strangers, so to have her act this way is a bit surprising and I won't lie it makes me angry. I know she distancing herself from me but still her actions are a surprise.